NL Politics: Serious Business

The Unbearable Lightness of Being Orange

2009-09-15T08:24:00.003-02:30

It's election season! Again! Or maybe it isn't - apparently it all really depends on which pollster or partisan footsoldier you talk to at any given moment and/or astrological alignment.

In what can only be some kind of political reaction-formation designed to exorcise the spectre of Stephane Dion, Professor Michael Ignatieff has announced that the Liberal Party is determined to overturn the parliamentary chessboard, Canadian public opinion be damned. Not that this is an altogether terrible idea - the government has proven it would sooner put the country into billions of dollars of deficit than show a little self-restraint on its tax-credit fetish, which might not be so bad if it wasn't accompanied by Stephen Harper alternately howling about a Coalition Government that (regrettably) hasn't been on anyone's radar since sometime last December and obnoxiously taking credit for an economic faux-recovery that is almost wholly due to a) the American stimulus package and b) a lull between economic meltdowns ala the 'Phoney War' of 1940.

(As for the Bloc, well, they're always up for a party.)

This effectively leaves Jack Layton and the Little Party That Could as the linchpin in the dam holding back the electoral floodwaters, which is interesting considering that in the past for reasons even more trivial than the possibility of extending EI to 70 weeks the NDP have been more than a little enthusiastic about kicking the chair out from under Harper's feet. So why does Layton suddenly look like he's actually considering resuscitating the terminal 40th Parliament rather than fall back on the NDP's typical electoral knee-jerking?

It isn't hard to speculate on why the NDP might be reluctant to go into an election at this exact moment; it is pretty common knowledge that the finicky and jealous God of the market economy gets downright wrathful when parliamentary wrangling breaks out. And, honestly, anyone with a brain knows that the last thing anyone in this country wants to do is sit through 6-8 weeks of painfully mediocre political hacks screaming at each other about whether the Liberals, Conservatives or "socialist" New Democrats (referring to the current federal NDP as socialist is an insult to any legitimate socialist) is ruining an economy the Canadian government doesn't have any real control over - especially considering that in all likelihood the electoral outcome is almost guaranteed to either give us an identical parliamentary configuration to what we have now, or worse, giving us a Conservatve majority that will be sure to delight women, gays, and poor people alike.

None of this is stopping the Liberals from threatening to blow the joint though, and when the Liberals are the ones balking at the prospect it very rarely would stop the NDP. So the question remains - what's the deal? Barring the rumour traveling through some political circles that the NDP put themselves in debt last fall and can't afford another election campaign, the far more likely reason we'll get to see Jack Layton go through rhetorical acrobatics justifying his support of Stephen Harper later this week is a little more selfish than a concern for Canadian public sensibilities; the numbers aren't working out in their favour and an election would see their parliamentary ranking bumped down from "ineffective" to "slightly more ineffective" (and slightly more broke).

Not that there's anything wrong with this, of course - ~~for better or~~ for worse our entire social system is built around the principle of every man for himself, and this rule goes doubly when it comes to the ugly art of politics. But what it does highlight is that the NDP most definitely do not deserve their romantic designation as "parliament's moral compass" and that when their back is to the wall and they're forced off the moral high-horse that comes with never having to touch the corrosive reins of power, they are in the end exactly like the big money-slicked parties they were initially formed to challenge. With the NDP there is no hope, no leftist alternative in Canadian politics - only more of the same. This isn't news to most people, but hopefully it is news to all the smart, dedicated and hardworking people frittering away their effort on a party that, even if it ever did achieve power, would in the end only betray them.

There is an old Nietzschean adage about fighting with monsters; pious NDP supporters might do well to remember it.

Placeholder

2009-08-20T17:54:00.003-02:30

I've been busy working on a project. It's almost started.

So in the interim, pretend I told you about this:

The Economic Crisis In A Nutshell

2009-04-20T22:11:00.003-02:30

[Unfortunately - by God's mercy, how it pains me so to admit it! - I cannot take credit for this piece; it was crafted by a far greater wordsmith than I can ever aspire to be. - r. raleigh, 4/20]

Yesterday, the New York Times’ Robert Mackey noted the growing number of commentators who are attempting to explain the economic crisis through metaphor and analogy. Some commentators, Mackey notes, have stuck to traditional metaphorical staples—cliffs, craters, and nudity—but others have proffered scrambled explanations involving tiger-riding, tangled mixed metaphors about weapons of mass destruction, and the renovation of houses that are on fire.

Mackey concludes, “Besides a sense of urgency, what these metaphors of war and disaster reveal is a fundamental need to explain somehow what it is that banks actually do to make money these days. While it used to be that a bank’s core business could be understood by anyone able to add, subtract, multiply and divide, in recent years bankers started to place very large bets on calculations that might give pause to people with degrees in quantum physics.”

The metaphors Mackey cites fail to adequately describe the economic crisis because they are too simple, not because the economic crisis is too complex. Complexity of subject matter is no bar to metaphor. It is a challenge to which the worthy metaphor will rise and an opportunity for true metaphorical excellence.

I will achieve this excellence. Here goes:

First, imagine yourself as a passenger on an ocean-going vessel or airplane. You do not understand the inner workings of this ship or plane, nor are you permitted to leave it. The captain of whichever vessel is a distant, dehumanized figure with the unquestionable authority of God and/or National Security, and the vessel has smashed into an iceberg, or is crashing from the sky into an iceberg, as case may be. Furthermore, the ship does not respond to conventional controls and its actual operations are a matter of theory. The ship is the economy. As a passenger, you have several pressing concerns which are subsumed into a generalized feeling of dread, helplessness, and desperate urgency.

To better understand the relationship between yourself and the captain of the plane/ship, please consider yourself a low-ranking member of a pack of hunting animals, such as wolves, or perhaps coyotes. (The more “creative” among you may consider yourselves hyenas, but please limit your consideration to canine animals. Canine social dynamics are requisite to the analogy.)

Now, imagine the forest/plain/field your pack hunts for sustenance has been devastated by overhunting. You and your fellows find yourselves on the precipice of a Malthusian crisis. As some form of canine life, you have limited means of personal expression and broader understanding. You must communicate through barking and/or yipping noises, as well as scented cues and ritualized nonlethal combat.

Place your canine self-construction—as well as the rest of your pack—onto the airplane/ship. This is now a vessel manned, piloted, and populated by a pack of wild dogs or wolves. The situation appears grim. The onboard reserves of antelopes and deer are devastated beyond repopulation, and things are on fire—horrifying, engulfing plumes of orange and blue death.

The economic collapse is that fire. Unlike regular fire, this fire produces charts and graphs instead of smoke. These charts illustrate various metrics and measures describing the rate of the flames’ progress, and the extent to which you are doomed. Like smoke, this information hangs in the air, choking and claustrophobic. The charts catch in the lungs of your brain, at once the first blush and the closest associative understanding we can expect of our apparent destruction—for who can understand the fire? After all, the fire is very similar to the economic collapse, which is very difficult to understand, and you are a coyote, wolf, or hyena, on an airplane or a ship, as case may be.

Some of your packmates bark/yip on the importance of putting out the fire, some have questions as to the cause of the fire, and some are preoccupied by the imminent doom of the plane/ship crashing into whatever object, and are less focused on the fire itself. (The crash is the next Great Depression.)

Several of the fatter members of the pack were responsible for setting controlled fires on the ship, for which they were paid exorbitant sums of antelopes, which is very confusing and morally frustrating. However, apparently the ship’s day-to-day operations were powered by these fires. Emissaries of the mysterious captain insist their arsonist expertise requires their involvement in the firefighting activities, and additional antelope meat, taken from other pack members not connected with the fires. This fire-stoppage is designed to change the vessel’s course. Some wolves insist the airplane/ship should crash/sink to prevent subsequent disasters and others insist on doing nothing whatever, while several have “Gone Galt” and are busily licking themselves. Also, you have no health insurance.

That is the economic crisis, in a nutshell.

Mystery Status: Solved

2009-01-08T16:17:00.003-03:30

Everything Harper has ever said/done now rings through with total clarity of purpose.

Politics and the English Language

2008-12-29T15:55:00.005-03:30

In our time it is broadly true that political writing is bad writing. Where it is not true, it will generally be found that the writer is some kind of rebel, expressing his private opinions and not a "party line." Orthodoxy, of whatever color, seems to demand a lifeless, imitative style. The political dialects to be found in pamphlets, leading articles, manifestoes, White papers and the speeches of undersecretaries do, of course, vary from party to party, but they are all alike in that one almost never finds in them a fresh, vivid, homemade turn of speech. When one watches some tired hack on the platform mechanically repeating the familiar phrases -- bestial atrocities, iron heel, bloodstained tyranny, free peoples of the world, stand shoulder to shoulder -- one often has a curious feeling that one is not watching a live human being but some kind of dummy: a feeling which suddenly becomes stronger at moments when the light catches the speaker's spectacles and turns them into blank discs which seem to have no eyes behind them. And this is not altogether fanciful. A speaker who uses that kind of phraseology has gone some distance toward turning himself into a machine. The appropriate noises are coming out of his larynx, but his brain is not involved as it would be if he were choosing his words for himself. If the speech he is making is one that he is accustomed to make over and over again, he may be almost unconscious of what he is saying, as one is when one utters the responses in church. And this reduced state of consciousness, if not indispensable, is at any rate favorable to political conformity.

In our time, political speech and writing are largely the defense of the indefensible. Things like the continuance of British rule in India, the Russian purges and deportations, the dropping of the atom bombs on Japan, can indeed be defended, but only by arguments which are too brutal for most people to face, and which do not square with the professed aims of the political parties. Thus political language has to consist largely of euphemism, question-begging and sheer cloudy vagueness. Defenseless villages are bombarded from the air, the inhabitants driven out into the countryside, the cattle machine-gunned, the huts set on fire with incendiary bullets: this is called pacification. Millions of peasants are robbed of their farms and sent trudging along the roads with no more than they can carry: this is called transfer of population or rectification of frontiers. People are imprisoned for years without trial, or shot in the back of the neck or sent to die of scurvy in Arctic lumber camps: this is called elimination of unreliable elements. Such phraseology is needed if one wants to name things without calling up mental pictures of them. Consider for instance some comfortable English professor defending Russian totalitarianism. He cannot say outright, "I believe in killing off your opponents when you can get good results by doing so." Probably, therefore, he will say something like this:

"While freely conceding that the Soviet regime exhibits certain features which the humanitarian may be inclined to deplore, we must, I think, agree that a certain curtailment of the right to political opposition is an unavoidable concomitant of transitional periods, and that the rigors which the Russian people have been called upon to undergo have been amply justified in the sphere of concrete achievement."

The inflated style itself is a kind of euphemism. A mass of Latin words falls upon the facts like soft snow, blurring the outline and covering up all the details. The great enemy of clear language is insincerity. When there is a gap between one's real and one's declared aims, one turns as it were instinctively to long words and exhausted idioms, like a cuttlefish spurting out ink. In our age there is no such thing as "keeping out of politics." All issues are political issues, and politics itself is a mass of lies, evasions, folly, hatred, and schizophrenia. When the general atmosphere is bad, language must suffer. I should expect to find -- this is a guess which I have not sufficient knowledge to verify -- that the German, Russian and Italian languages have all deteriorated in the last ten or fifteen years, as a result of dictatorship.

But if thought corrupts language, language can also corrupt thought.

- G. Orwell

Scientific Polling on the Issues that MATTER

2008-12-11T13:34:00.001-03:30

In times of economic crises and rampant North American federal elections, it is not entirely uncommon to see the various manifestations of popular media covered in all manners of charts, graphs and figures based on the most scientifically accurate data regarding the opinions of the terminally ignorant.

The ability to quantify thoughts, behaviours and pieces of the vast emotional mosaic that defines the human experience is perhaps the greatest achievement in the history of science and thought - let alone politics! - and it is an unfortunate tendency of society's prevailing biases that it is largely wasted on tracking such mundane phenomena as political approval ratings, potential election results, and modeling the variety of ways in which global markets are currently imploding.

What I have undertaken here for you, gentle reader, is a painstaking study and analysis of some of the major areas of political and economic activity that, for reasons unknown to yours truly, have been neglected by the so-called "credible" researchers. Using the skills I was taught in the process of acquiring a highly-employable Bachelor of Arts from the prestigious Memorial University of Newfoundland, I have presented my findings in a chart format that is both functional and aesthetically pleasing.

If you wish to use these findings in future research or reports, please cite the source as Richard Raleigh, MD., t.i.a. [thanks in advance]

Unfortunately, as provincial politics has been somewhat slow lately (understandably, as it is functionally irrelevant to the government if the House is sitting or not), we turn now towards to the federal scene, which has been substantially more interesting as of late.

It's almost as if you could say... a picture was worth a thousand words... ?

A Picture's Worth a Thousand Words

2008-10-28T10:36:00.003-02:30

"Well, balls."

The Urban Candidates of 2008: A Field Guide

2008-10-02T13:46:00.001-02:30

Elections are tough times for the committed voter. That single vote you can cast on October 14th is your only way to let your political overlords know how you feel, and it's an integral part of a functioning democracy that this vote is cast based on in-depth research and intense spiritual agonising over which candidate to support.

That said, doing your civic duty is extremely hard, especially in situations where none of the candidates are especially appealing and complicated issues like environmental sustainability and the economy dominate most political debates.

For times like these, the best idea is usually to let someone else do all the research for you and then tell you how to vote. Residents of St. John's/Mount Pearl, I am here to help you with just that.

So after weeks of painstaking research into the candidates vying to represent the urban portion of the Avalon, I have crafted such a perfect guide to this election that to simply look upon it may physically be too much for small children and the elderly.

Without further ado, here is the only information source you will ever need to consult before heading into the ballot box on Tuesday morning.

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ST. JOHN'S SOUTH-MOUNT PEARL

Siobhan Coady (L) - an ardent believer that "third time's the charm" is more than just folksy wisdom, perennial Liberal candidate Siobhan Coady is again running for a federal seat in the hopes that during an election where the premier of the province is actively registering third parties with Elections Canada in order to defeat her Conservative opponent, she may finally have a shot. Not that Siobhan is especially unqualified - she has smashed through a few notable glass ceilings in her business career, which is no small feat - and while she wouldn't necessarily make a bad MP, voters in the riding have consistently shown they have trouble swallowing the Siobhan Coady package. While there are a number of valid arguments against voting Liberal in this election, I can say without a shadow of a doubt that Siobhan's main issue in this campaign is herself.

Shaking hands with Siobhan Coady is like shaking hands with the captain of the team who you just beat at soccer in 5th grade - he's smiling and saying "great game" but you know in the back of your mind that it's so tremendously insincere that it comes off as grating. This is Siobhan Coady's problem - she's so firmly trapped in the Uncanny Valley that every time she reminds you that she will "never give up, never give in" and flashes that insidious little smile, you can't help but feel like 'Rowdy' Roddy Piper in They Live after he finds the magic sunglasses. If you get that reference, congratulations, you've got as bad a taste in movies as I do.

Merv Wiseman (C) - Merv Wiseman is the only candidate running in this election that I have absolutely nothing to say about. That's how much I know about Merv Wiseman. Presumably, this is reflective of how hard Merv Wiseman is trying to win this election.

Ryan Cleary (NDP) - when I first heard that Ryan Cleary was running in Mount Pearl for the NDP I was honestly intrigued, although I brushed it off with "he's far too abrasive, he'll never win the nomination." Then a cohort of mine who attended the nomination informed me that Cleary delivered a passionate speech that sealed his nomination and I thought "my God, he might have a chance." I hadn't heard Cleary speak since the Trust and Confidence Rally in 2007 at Confederation Building where he delivered a heartfelt polemic on the injustices facing Newfoundland within our union with Canada that was so intense I almost felt my heartstrings flutter; considering that his main competition is a woman whose speeches sound more contrived and superficial than the dialogue you'd see on Springer, I figured that Ryan Cleary may legitimately find himself with a real job.

This is before Ryan Cleary was forced into a crash-diet of nothing but his own words right from the beginning of the election, and now he seems so intellectually malnourished that his only talking points on the campaign trail are lame protests against the Green Shift and quasi-incomprehensible monologues about his new-found love for Jack Layton that usually sound as if they're being delivered by a Will Farrell character. The only way to describe Cleary's entire campaign so far is "half-assed", which is disappointing because while I don't care for Cleary himself I know he's capable of doing a much better job. If I was Ivan Morgan, I'd put down the Purity biscuits and start cracking the whip at this point, because as far as I've seen there is no legitimate reason to vote for Ryan Cleary.

Ted Warren (Green) - Ted Warren is the best candidate in this riding by a long shot, and probably one of the best candidates running in the province. But you've never heard of him and you're not going to vote for him, so the fact that Mr. Warren is one of the most brilliant and eloquent minds I've seen run in politics for years is completely moot.

Greg Byrne (NL First) - ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

ST. JOHN'S EAST

Walter Noel (L) - Walter Noel blows. If I were a Liberal in St. John's East I'd be tempted to hang myself if Walter wasn't so cartoonishly terrible he looped around and became hilarious. There are no questions directed at Walter Noel that don't end with him giving long winded explanations about why spending 8,000$ of public money on alcohol is completely justified because "there was no law against it at the time", and his only pet cause in this election is seeing to it that a 92$ million dollar tunnel is built to an island with a population of 200 that hasn't seen the creation of a single new job since Joseph R. Smallwood stalked the corridors of Confederation Building. On the rare occasion that Walter Noel is asked about something other than his personal flaws he usually responds by reading a few pages out of the Liberal platform book and then rambling on about how the Liberal Party of Canada is the only way to stop the NDP's stealth communism and that Jack Harris is a crook. Considering that Walter Noel looks and sounds like a '50s newscaster was molested by a Dick Tracy villain voiced by Skeletor from He-Man this doesn't even seem that out of place. Walter Noel really, really sucks.

And yet, he was still a better choice than Debbie Hanlon.

Craig Westcott (C) - you can live to see the days where the sun shall be darkened and the powers of the heavens shall be shaken loose, and I can guarantee you that you will never see someone look as uncomfortable running in a federal election as Craig Westcott. When asked to explain why his party holds policies even the Golden Horde would balk at he will usually mumble a few lines from Conservative briefing notes into the nearest mic, and the entire time Stockwell Day was giving a press conference about the need to crack down on young offenders in order to stop a coming epidemic of gang violence in outport Newfoundland Westcott looked more uncomfortable than the Premier did in whatever garbage luxury car he owned before he traded up to his current 250,000$ Maserati. He's not a conservative by any stretch of the imagination but no amount of prefacing his public appearances with "I disagree with my party over everything they stand for" can erase that not-entirely-unfounded sensation we all have that at the first opportunity his leader will drive the nation headlong into a reactionary dystopia.

But it's important to bear in mind that Westcott's not running for Stephen Harper; he's moreso running against the ABC campaign and its mastermind, Premier Danny Williams. Westcott has been the Holmes to Williams' Moriarty more than enough in the past for his candidacy to take on an almost cinematic feeling, especially since all of Westcott's public statements make a point of highlighting that his candidacy hearkens back to the battles of the National Convention in the 1940s. Stephen Harper is - regardless of whether or not it's a good thing - about to win another (probably majority) government, and if we elect to follow the pied piper of the ABC campaign through this storm, the province will be shutting itself out of having any representation in the cabinet of a federal government that already disdains Atlantic Canada. Considering that the alternative is that we'll be left at the beck and call of a comically inept provincial government here in Danny Williams' Hermit Kingdom, Westcott's pleas for us to swallow our revulsion at Harper's regressive policies in order to get a seat at the control panel of government before we end up like Quebec in 1995 shouldn't be discarded out of hand.

I'd go on but I can't bring myself to explicitly endorse a Conservative, even if he does occasionally sign my paycheques.

Jack Harris (NDP) - Jack Harris is really the only "good" candidate running in the city in this election. I say "good" because he has everything going for him you'd expect to find amongst anyone running for a major federal party. While he may not be quite as sharp on resource economics and concrete policy issues as someone like Craig Westcott, he also doesn't look visibly uncomfortable whenever he has to tow the party line. While he may not have quite the same level of money backing him like Siobhan Coady, he is also able to interact with his constituents in a non-robotic manner. And while he may not have the same level of executive experience as someone like Walter Noel, he also isn't scum.

In fact, the only real problem I can see with Jack Harris' campaign is that he's such a good candidate for his party and his riding and that his election is such a shoe in that it's boring. There's nothing interesting or noteworthy about Jack Harris, his campaign, or anything he'd do in the House of Commons. This is probably great for most people, but I'll be deep down in the cold, cold ground before I vote for someone sensible.

Howard Story (Green) - Much like his counterpart in St. John's South/Mount Pearl, Howard Story is a great guy with brilliant ideas and pointed conviction about the environment and systemic problems that none of the other candidates or parties seem to be taking much note of. But unfortunately for him his party is relegated even further back in the depths of leftist irrelevency than the NDP in the minds of most Newfoundlanders, so there's little point even discussing him. If nothing else, fans of Lost will appreciate him for his uncanny resemblance to popular anti-hero John Locke; if I may hand him some helpful advice via the internet it would be to start talking about how important it is to do whatever it takes to "save the Island."

Les Coltas (NL First) - his grammer are good!

Shannon Tobin (PC) - I have nothing bad to say about Shannon Tobin. He's the little candidate that could; he's a twenty-something fresh out of university who has too little experience to grasp basic policy issues, let alone the complex economic development issues (i.e. the Lower Churchill) that he's crusading for. He's got no district association and his federal party is only running a handful of candidates across the country, most of them are older than Tobin by half a century. His entire campaign is to appeal to the disaffected elderly who have been writing "Joe Clark" on their ballots since 2004 and who will live and die by the letters "ABC." He goes to public functions up against professional business people, journalists and politicians who have more years of experience being knowledgeable public figures than he's physically spent being alive, but he doesn't lose his nerve and he'll quote historical figures like Edmund Burke and Peter Cashin and spew Danny Williams' talking points like the best of provincial cabinet ministers. Say what you will, this kid has balls.

Shannon Tobin is running in the 2008 federal election powered only by his love of Newfoundland and Labrador, and by proxy its Glorious Premier Danny Williams. If you don't vote for Shannon Tobin, you hate Danny Williams. I hope everyone keeps that in mind this election day.
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So as we move through the next 12 days before the day where you make your monumental decision to give a federal party 1.75$, I hope you'll consider my expert analysis and general words of wisdom about the candidates vying to represent you, the urban Newfoundlander, in Parliament for the next 4 years. Unlike Danny Williams, I won't tell you how to vote; all I will say is that I wish the Conservatives would drop this talking point because it's the dumbest thing in the world and that "not telling you how to vote" would invalidate the entire premise of campaigning and make this whole election an exercise in foolishness.

Huh.

Rumour Milling 2: Mill Harder

2008-09-18T09:52:00.003-02:30

I have it on extremely good authority that today at a luncheon in Holyrood Premier Danny Williams will formally endorse Liberal candidate Scott Andrews as he ramps up his ABC campaign against Fabian Manning in the Avalon riding.

And by extremely good sources, I mean straight from the horse's mouth.

Keep your eyes open today, the "battleground" riding of Avalon is suddenly going to start looking more like a Cold War-esque war of proximity.

Rejected ABC Campaign Ad #590

2008-09-09T11:36:00.003-02:30

Reason: Not sufficiently proud, strong, or determined.

Rumour Milling

2008-09-07T16:54:00.003-02:30

There's nothing like a good election hey? It's been so long since we had to go to the polls to give a personally abhorrent conservative another term of being drunk with power behind the machinery of the State that I was almost starting to go through withdrawal.

Also, I really just wanted and excuse to put up a placeholder post here to replace that poorly thought out John McCain sight gag from July.

Sabbaticals are rough, let me tell you.

But in the meantime, I'd just like to throw out an unsubstantiated rumour relayed to me by a confidante who made the questionable life decision of being involved with the New Democrats: namely, that Ryan Cleary's campaign manager (or similarly frivolous position) is none other than my good friend Ivan Morgan! I have no idea if this is true but I really hope that it is - if only so that Cleary's coffers will be filled with complimentary Purity pastries.

Feel free to spread that rumour around anyways - there's nothing like a good self-fulfilling prophecy.

I, dwarf

2008-07-05T21:10:00.003-02:30

As usual, Ed Hollett is quicker than yours truly on actually putting things on the internet with real relevance and import to things that matter.

But anything related to Ray Guy bears repeating, naturally.

It is always good form to pay occasional homage to the giants upon whose shoulders we stand.

We Are (not) Devo!

2008-07-04T02:48:00.003-02:30

The Order of Canada is the centrepiece of Canada’s honours system and recognizes a lifetime of outstanding achievement, dedication to the community and service to the nation. The Order recognizes people in all sectors of Canadian society. Their contributions are-

OH HEY LOOK EVERYONE, NORMAN DOYLE IS HERE

LOOKS LIKE HE'S BROUGHT OPINIONS

Just for argument's sake, sir, let's imagine for a second that abortion isn't a hot-button issue for millions of Canadians who define themselves and their political identities entirely around opposition to the subject. Let's also imagine that federal elections are not decided by single-issue swing voters who put the issue of abortion above every other issue facing Canadians every day.

I trust this shouldn't be very hard.

No, let's get right down to the utmost basic flaw that permeates every discussion of abortion (and a host of other issues) that has ever taken place all across recorded history.

Are we not men, Mr. Doyle?

Could be possible that - maybe, just maybe - the fact that we are physiologically precluded from ever experiencing an unwanted pregnancy, and any of the accompanying issues, mean that the issue of abortion is entirely a woman's issue?

Could it be that regardless of our respective opinions on abortion, whether "pro-life" or "pro-choice", and no matter the validity of our points, we should both butt out of the discussion because it is fundamentally not our issue, and never will be our issue, in any way, shape, or form save the very periphery of a woman's consideration?

Dr. Henry Morgentaler did not dedicate his life to pontificating on the glories of abortions, nor did he dedicate his life attempting to subvert the moral fabric of Canadian society in an effort to increase 'business' in some nebulous abortion 'industry.' Dr. Morgentaler was simply the most vocal actor for the only real role any man has to play in the issue of abortion - that it should be left entirely up to women, the only people on earth even physically capable of having an abortion, to safely and legally choose what they want to do with their bodies.

Frankly, the only controversy that should be surrounding Dr. Morgentaler's induction into the Order of Canada is why it took so long to happen.

This is not your war, Mr. Doyle. It's not mine, and it's not Patrick Hanlon's; it is not the field of anyone who produces sperm. It is for women - and only women - to decide, for or against, "life" or "choice", and this is understood by anyone who isn't trapped inside an intellectual prison of latent sexism and regressive social attitudes.

Kindly get out of politics, sir. You - and all men like you - are an embarrassment to your constituents and an affront to any Canadian with a working moral compass.

The Richard Raleigh Spin/Approval Matrix

2008-07-03T11:33:00.007-02:30

Apparently, according to a local political scientist, Tom Rideout's exodus from politics won't hurt Danny Williams politically.

Fascinating.

All the real political scientists at MUN must have been out on summer vacation or writing some esoteric journal articles they could later tout smugly at academic conferences, because Mr. Temelini doesn't really seem to have any deep or poignant insight to offer on the topic.

To anyone who has been paying attention to provincial politics since 2005, this development isn't really a surprise; if the findings of the Cameron Inquiry didn't make the Premier's approval rating falter on its ascension to 90+, then his cartoonishly villainous attempts to discredit the process probably should have. Naturally, of course, this didn't happen, because that would make sense, and this is Newfoundland and Labrador.

This leaves us with only one reasonable thought on the topic: if none of this will hurt the Premier's poll ratings, what will?

Allow me to soothe all your curiousities - in harkening back to the skills I learned as a young, wide-eyed and idealistic political science undergraduate, I have constructed this handy reference list. These conclusions are highly scientific so feel free to cite them in casual or professional conversation, as the knowledge they imparts will make you the envy of your friends and co-workers!

THE RICHARD RALEIGH SPIN/APPROVAL MATRIX

SCANDAL: Danny Williams steals candy from small child and/or infant
EFFECT: Child spun as to be from the mainland and the candy was Purity brand, Premier seen as standing up to the feds and getting 'our fair share', approval rating +2%

SCANDAL: Danny Williams crosses floor at the House of Assembly, punches out Roland Butler
EFFECT: Premier seen across the province as "total badass", young children abandon backyard wrestling to re-enact Question Period thus creating new generation of career politicians, clip appears on YouTube overdubbed with the solo from Metallica's "One"; approval rating goes to 99%

SCANDAL: Danny Williams revealed to worship Satan and perform ritual human sacrifice
EFFECT: Premier uses dark magicks to erase the memories of everyone in the province like an arcane version of the flashing stick in Men In Black, approval rating still goes up 1%

SCANDAL: Danny Williams' Viper runs red light, kills cyclist
EFFECT: Running red light spun as the Premier always working on a go-forward basis for the people of this province, killing a cyclist with luxury car spun as not allowing development of properous oil industry to be hampered by burdensome environmental regulations; approval +6%

SCANDAL: Danny Williams involved in sex scandal with subordinate(s)
EFFECT: Approval ratings increase in accordance to how public ranks the woman in question on a scale of 1-10; an increase of at least 8% is assumed

SCANDAL: John Efford becomes leader of the Liberals
EFFECT: Premier's approval ratings drop drastically as people realise Efford would be a greahahahahahaha I can't even finish this sentence
-------------------------------

Rick Hillier, if you're reading this, yes, I am interested in becoming the new head of Memorial's political science department, thank you for asking!

"Leave Britney alone!" cries

2008-05-28T15:19:00.001-02:30

In a shocking twist that is completely out of sync with all past trends, it turns out that the provincial government's nebulous ~~Department of Economic Development~~Energy Corporation will be shielded from prying eyes in the interests of safeguarding "commercially sensitive information."

According to the Department of Natural Resources' spokeswoman Kathy Dunderdale, this is necessary in order for the Energy Corporation to

"function in the world of business [...] [and] be accountable to the people of this province. What we are doing with [the Act to Amend the Energy Corporation Act] is giving the Energy Corp. the tools to be able to do that effectively."

At first glance, these two aims seem almost contradictory and Dunderdale initially looks like she has no idea what she's talking about and is just blurting out government buzzwords as a default reaction to being called on in the House of Assembly.

Nothing could be further from the truth! Constant questioning and incessant scrutiny directed at government initiatives ultimately slows down the march towards giving us, the people, our Fair Share. And if journalists and opposition parties had access to "commercially sensitive information" like "details respecting revenues" and "costs" relating to potential projects, well by God people might complain about things being a "waste of money" or "totally non-feasible" and we'd never get anywhere.

Frankly, anyone who is worried about the prospect of shrouding the information relating to the Energy Corporation's activity hasn't been paying attention to the provincial government's track record. Time and time again, history has shown that if there is anything that government-driven energy development initiatives need less of, it's transparency. Can you imagine where we'd be as a province today if BRINCO had been scrutinised to death?

Actually, on second thought, don't answer that.

BACK TO THE FUTURE

2008-05-28T09:24:00.003-02:30

Some gems of wisdom passed down to us from the Greatest Generation turned out to be slightly more useful than "duck and cover."

Riddle Me This

2008-05-22T18:42:00.003-02:30

If CBC is to be believed, apparently Danny Williams has renewed confidence in the abilities of his cabinet now that former Premier Tom Rideout has tendered his resignation.

Of course, any true Newfoundlander knows CBC is not to be believed, as the Premier courageously demonstrated recently when he (rightly) pointed out that David Cochrane was unfairly attempting to undermine the mastery of our own domain by doing unnecessarily subversive things like asking questions in media scrums.

But, for the sake of argument, let's take the CBC story at face value and assume that when Yvonne Jones asked the Premier if he had any certainty in the ability of his ministers to do their jobs, he did in fact respond with "I have certainty now that Tom Rideout is gone."

Let that sink in for a moment.

According to Danny Williams, Tom Rideout - a man whose political career stretches back to 1975, who is a former Premier with a cumulative decade of ministerial experience - is incompetent.

On the other hand, Joan Burke's revolutionary "well if the Liberals hadn't screwed everything up during the 1990s, I wouldn't have problems to ignore, now would I?" approach to the Department of Education is positively sublime in its genius.

Kathy Dunderdale's performance in her role as "spokeswoman" of the Natural Resources Department is downright enviable.

And of course, the Honourable Ross Wiseman continues to display stunning prowess in the position of Minister of Health and Community Services, up to and including astonishing four month spurts of illiteracy.

Although, upon further reflection, the question that Jones asked was whether or not the Premier had confidence in his ministers' ability to do their jobs. Which, in his defence, he did answer truthfully: every minister who wasn't Tom Rideout was doing a spectacular job.

This is because in Williams' cabinet, the job isn't managing your portfolio with any degree of competency.

It's towing the Premier's line.

e.e. cummings on Budget 2008

2008-04-29T15:03:00.006-02:30

spiralling downward into an abyss -
not a path that could continue

we wrestled down the fiscal dragon,
a turn of fortune has not happened by accident;
it has happened by design

standing tall as powerful contributors to the federation -
as masters of our own domain.
nothing will hold us back
achieving our goals and fulfilling our dreams

a deep sense of betrayal,
frustration over the federal government;
working against us as partisan foes..

will do nothing to prevent us,
acheiving our goals on our own steam -
the threshold of another great milestone..
in the history of this great province!
a significant turning point..
in the history of this province!
no longer the poor cousin of Confederation,
an economic driver of Canada -
a day for great celebration!

a clarion call to young and old,
expatriates and immigrants from far and wide,
to usher in a period of inspiring economic growth;
UNPRECEDENTED!!
the cranberry industry [...] $2.95 million

proven successes to secure a brighter future;
realizing their dreams~

stand on our own two feet in this federation -
as masters of our own domain.
this future we richly deserve -
masters of our future.

beholden to none who would chart our course for us -
free to choose our own path
to promise and prosperity

proud.

strong.

determined.

ownership of a bright future -
Newfoundland and Labrador

(forever and ever,
amen)

Just out of curiousity...

2008-04-09T00:40:00.004-02:30

Yes, it's late.

Yes, I was out tonight entertaining a visitor from the federal government on George Street as part of my job.

So, yes, maybe I'm wrong with the following point which has drawn my attention.

But to the best of my knowledge, it's been the Premier's official line that he was unaware of the ER/PR testing problems before October 2005, even if people in his office knew about it.

And, alright; let's assume that this is some kind of crazy bizarro universe where dogs walk people and McDonald's is considered part of a balanced diet and everyone in the Premier's office can know about something as important as messed up breast cancer testing results and somehow keep it a secret from the most controlling head of government since J.R. Smallwood.

For the sake of argument, let's pretend this is Economics 101 and make this fairly unrealistic assumption.

Wouldn't this following exchange then put a hole in the entire line of argument?

MS JONES: [...] the first account of this issue known in the Department of Health was under your government in July of 2005. That is the facts.

Let me ask this question, Mr. Speaker. The Premier stated yesterday that he could not recall whether senior staff in his office briefed him on the ER-PR testing issue in July of 2005. So I ask the Premier: Have you since asked your staff, did they brief you at that time or did they not?

PREMIER WILLIAMS: I have had that conversation with my staff, and council for the commission has also had that conversation with my staff when my staff were interviewed by Mr. Coffey at the commission and we willing went down and undertook those interviews. Quite frankly, my staff and myself do not remember a conversation.

Now, I will repeat it again. That does not mean it did not happen. I have thousands and thousands, as you do, conversations in the course of a year and some of them cannot be remembered. I can tell you something, if there is something of major importance that was put before my staff and presented as a major issue and then was presented to me, I would certainly remember it, but I certainly cannot remember it. I can tell you that the practice of my staff, who are extremely professional, when critical matters come into that office to our attention, then they come to my attention. This particular note that came in on that day at 2:30 in the afternoon said that this matter required no action.

So, he was told about this in July 2005, but since it "required no action" he conveniently forgot about it until October. This makes perfect sense.

Frankly, I'm not sure I could have come up with a more doubleplusgood answer if I was paid to write it.

The Lost Emails

2008-04-03T14:43:00.006-02:30

In case you've been living under a rock for the past year or so, the Cameron Inquiry is fully underway into the breast cancer fiasco currently rocking the Provincial government.

The most recent development that is making the headlines right this second relates to a number of newly discovered emails that may or may shed some light on when exactly it was that Danny first found out about this whole mess.

Of course, most of these emails are being scoured from the archives of emails sent on the government network. While this is all well and good, a truly ethical and well-respected journalist such as myself _{note: not actually a real journalist} knows that in order to really blow the lid of this scandal the place you'd want to look is the Premier's personal email account, because if he was going to write anything down that was even half-incriminating about anything at all ever, it would be there.

So, I did the honourable thing and used my insider knowledge of government secrets and ELITE TECHNOLOGICAL PROWESS^TM to find and crack open the account and get a glimpse at the Premier's hotmail conversations. What I found, once I weeded through absurd amounts of spam, was astonishing.

Here, unedited, are two shocking exchanges between the Premier and the health minister(s) that I uncovered in my investigation. I will present them to you without any further commentary so you can make up your mind as to its true significance on your own:

-----------------------------------
[07/05/05]
fr: "The Honourable Danny Williams" [dan_da_man1337@hotmail.com]
to: "John Boy" [ottenheimer777@hotmail.com]
re: re: where are you

the reason im ignoring you is because we are trying to organise a giant conspiracy here to swindle the public and your RUINING IT by sending me emails about it in a way that can be publicly accessed YOU IDIOT

god i didnt think it was possible but your more useless than ross

i was going to help you on this but now since you have made me angry i am going to make you take the fall if/when this breaks

you know

because i am an all powerful puppetmaster and i PULL ALL THE STRINGS AND DONT YOU FORGET IT

- d

ps. yeah man i saw big brother the other night!! you should get in our pool, its gonna be pretty good (im gonna win tho :P)

----original message----
fr: "John Boy" [ottenheimer777@hotmail.com]
to: "The Honourable Danny Williams" [dan_da_man1337@hotmail.com]
re: where are you

okay seriously danny what is the deal here ive sent your office like 40 million emails already about this eastern health thing, what am i supposed to do?!?!

man ive tried messaging you on your myspace a bunch but you arent replying, get back to me man i need your advice on what my legal and political options are because apparently i am incapable of figuring it out myself despite the fact that i am the minister and also a lawyer!!

anyways did you see big brother the other night?? haha it was crazy!

-----------------------------------
-----------------------------------
[11/23/07]
fr: "The Honourable Danny Williams" [dan_da_man1337@hotmail.com]
to: "Ross" [bossross123@hotmail.com]
re: FWD: FWD: FWD: new poll out today

GOD DAMMIT ROSS IF YOUR GOING TO DO THIS THEN AT LEAST DO IT RIGHT AND DONT RUIN THE JOKE BY FORWARDING ALL YOUR EMAILS TO ME HOW HARD IS IT TO JUST HIT SEND AND NOT FORWARD ALL

GOD IM SURROUNDED BY IDIOTS

AND WHILE WERE ON THE TOPIC IF YOU SEND ME A LINK TO GOATSE ONE MORE TIME I SWEAR TO GOD TERRY FRENCH IS GETTING YOUR JOB DONT THINK IM KIDDING ILL DO IT DONT MESS WITH ME

----original message----
> fr: "Ross" [bossross123@hotmail.com]
> to: "The Honourable Danny Williams" [dan_da_man1337@hotmail.com]
> re: FWD: FWD: FWD: new poll out today
>
> hey dan have u seen this cbc just did a new poll on our popularity and we got 96%!!1
>
> heres the link u should check it out: CBC POLL SHOWS PCS ARE AWESOME
>
> pretty good job for us dont u think??
>
>----original message----
>> fr: "Charlene" [newfie_beach_babe99@hotmail.com]
>> to: "Ross" [bossross123@hotmail.com]
>> re: FWD: FWD: new poll out today
>>
>> lol ross i cant believe u rickrolld me!! rofl i fall for these everytime lol :P
>>
>> hey u should try sending this to danny i think he'd find it pretty funny!! lol
>>
>>----original message----
>> fr: "Tom Rideout" [clyde_sucks58@hotmail.com]
>> to: "Ross" [bossross123@hotmail.com]
>> re: FWD: FWD: new poll out today
>>
>> ross why are you wasting time with this shouldn't you be doing something useful
>> OH WAIT YOUR USELESS LOL BURRRRRRRRN
>> j/k man your cool this was funny i lol'd
>>
>>
>>----original message----
>> fr: "J. Kennedy" [2_kool_4_skool88@hotmail.com]
>> to: "Ross" [bossross123@hotmail.com]
>> re: stop emailing me
>>
>> i hate you
>>
>>----original message----
>>> fr: "Ross" [bossross123@hotmail.com]
>>> to: "big kenny j" [2_kool_4_skool88@hotmail.com], "Charlene" [newfie_beach_babe99@hotmail.com], "t. rider" [clyde_sucks58@hotmail.com]
>>> re: FWD: new poll out today
>>>
>>> hey guys you should see this, cbc just put out a new poll of our popularity and we got like 95% or something
>>>
>>> here check out the link: CBC POLL SHOWS PCS ARE AWESOME
>>>
>>> i think we should part ourselves on the back 4 this one!!1
>>>
>>>----original message----
>>>> fr: "Ed Byrne" [the_byrnenator@hotmail.com]
>>>> to: "Ross" [bossross123@hotmail.com]
>>>> re: new poll out today
>>>>
>>>> hey ross, you should see this, cbc just released a new poll showing how good you guys are doing, you should probably pass it along to some of the peeps up in cabinet, its at CBC POLL SHOWS PCS ARE AWESOME
>>>>
>>>> anyways hope you guys are doing good way to wreck the LIEberals in the last election lol it ruled
>>>>
>>>> give my props to dan
>>>>
>>>> peace out,
>>>> the byrnenator
------------------------------------

Intriguing.

However, it would be neglectful of me to only focus on the negative emails I found: it also turns out that the Premier is working on projects to ensure our economic success! Just take a look at this covert business deal I discovered that is guaranteed to provide a much-needed influx of cash to this province:

------------------------------------
[03/26/08]
fr: "The Honourable Danny Williams" [dan_da_man1337@hotmail.com]
to: deborah_koffi@terra.com
re: Business Transaction

Dear Mrs. Koffi,

I am sorry to hear about your husband; it really is too bad. That said, thank you for offering me this excellent opportunity. The province of Newfoundland and Labrador is a great place to invest as we are headed for economic prosperity within the near future and now is the time to get in on the ground floor.

After discussing it with my cabinet I have decided that this investment of $2.4 million is exactly what our telecommunications sector needs, and as a result I will gladly accept your offer on behalf of the people of Newfoundland and Labrador.

I'm out of the country currently but as soon as I return I'll email you all the necessary financial information for you to make your deposit. And again, thank you for choosing to invest in the people of Newfoundland and Labrador. You will not be sorry!

Sincerely,
The Honourable Danny Williams
Premier, Newfoundland and Labrador

----original message----
>fr: "Mrs. Deborah Koffi" [kone_nk32@yahoo.com]
>to: dan_da_man1337@hotmail.com
>re: Investment Opportunity
>
>From Mrs Deborah Koffi
>11, Rue des Jean Paul
>Deux-Plateaux
>Côte D'Ivoire.
>
>My Dear,
>
>It is my pleasure to contact you for a business venture which I and my son Rashid intend to establish in your country. Though I have not met with you before but I believe one has to risk confiding to succeed sometimes in life.
>
>I want to confide in you for the brighter future of my son since you are a human being like me. There is this huge amount of two Million Four Hundred Thousand US Dollars. ($2.400.000.00) which my late Husband deposited in a bank here in Cote d' Ivoire before he was assassinated by unknown persons.
>
>Now I and my son Rashid have decided to invest this money in your country or anywhere safe enough for security and political reasons.
>
>We want you to help us to claim this money so that the bank can transfer it into your personal account in your country for investment purposes on these areas:
>
> 1). Telecommunication
> 2). Transport Industry & Equipment Leasing
> 3). Real Estate
>
>If you can be of an assistance to us we will be pleased to offer to you 15% of the total money.
>
>PLEASE,CONSIDER THIS AND GET BACK TO ME AS SOON AS POSSIBLE.THROUGH MY PRIVATE EMAIL BOX
>N/B..IT IS VERY IMPORTANT YOU WRITE ME ON MY PRIVATE EMAIL PROVIDED
BELOW
> (deborah_koffi@terra.com)
>
>
>I await your soonest response.
>
>Respectfully yours,
>Mrs Dborah Koffi.
--------------------------------------

And there you have it. If this is any indication, the only thing the Inquiry is going to find out is that even while on vacation, Danny Williams never stops working for us.

Un-Happy Birthday

2008-04-01T10:25:00.005-02:30

I don't understand how anyone could possibly say anything about today that is even remotely positive.

Fifty-nine years ago, Joey "Stalin" Smallwood cemented his victory over the people of this province and officially put the last nail in the coffin of Newfoundland and Labrador as we sold ourselves into the servitude of the self-serving politicians in Ottawa, the fiendishly arrogant French Canadians and the greedy plutocrats in Alberta, all of whom regard us as either a joke or a resource to be exploited.

It was our darkest day as a people; unlike the battle of Beaumont-Hamel, there were no free and independent Newfoundlanders left standing when the smoke cleared on April Fool's Day, 1949.

HOW COULD YOU HAVE MADE SUCH A TERRIBLE DECISION SIX DECADES AGO, NEWFOUNDLANDERS? YOU WOULD SELL OUT A VAGUE AND AMBIGUOUS NOTION OF "HISTORY" AND "CULTURE" FOR SOMETHING SO SILLY AS A HIGHER QUALITY OF LIFE AND INCREASING YOUR LIFE EXPECTANCY BEYOND THE AGE OF 32? I AM SO MAD ABOUT THIS EVENT WHICH OCCURRED BEFORE I WAS BORN THAT I AM TYPING IN ALL CAPS IN ORDER TO CONVEY THAT IF I WAS ACTUALLY TALKING I WOULD BE YELLING (BECAUSE I AM SO MAD).

So if you'll excuse me, I'm off to spend the rest of the day mourning the advent of social programs, economic development and increased standards of living, proper medical services to those dying of tuberculosis in the outports, and breaking the power of the self-serving, arrogant and greedy plutocratic merchants who ran the show out of St. John's.

Way to screw us over, Joey.

Premier: Stephen Harper Responsible for Winter Storm

2008-03-17T23:00:00.003-02:30

Executive Council
March 17th, 2008

Government continued to fight for the betterment of Newfoundlanders and Labradorians today by outing the party responsible for the blizzard currently blasting most of the island portion of the province. Through advanced meteorological and divination techniques known only to the province’s most elite soothsayers, Prime Minister Stephen Harper was determined to have caused the storm.

“Our government has determined that Stephen Harper is actively directing the blizzard that is shutting down most of our province currently,” said the Honourable Premier Danny Williams. “We’re not entirely sure how he is able to control the weather, but we are absolutely certain that he is using this storm to send a message that he is intent on continuing his campaign to undermine this province in all its endeavours.”

The storm began for the eastern part of the province on Monday and is expected to last until sometime Tuesday, dumping as much as 60 cm of snow in some areas. “Monday of course is St. Patrick’s Day, which also indicates to us that Prime Minister Harper likely distrusts the Irish. Quite frankly, I can say we are not at all surprised that the Prime Minister holds such a regressive attitude,” the Premier added.

St. Patrick’s Day is viewed by George Street as one of the biggest nights of the year for business outside of George Street Festival and Mardi Gras. According to a preliminary study by Memorial University economist Greg Locke, the storm is likely to mean lost revenue for the city of St. John’s and by proxy the Province of Newfoundland and Labrador of up to “a lot of money, I guess.”

“Rest assured that the Prime Minister will absolutely not have the last laugh in this situation,” Premier Williams said. “While he may currently have in his possession some kind of advanced weather control device, I have ordered a crack team of archaeologists from Memorial University to retrieve the Ark of the Covenant, which as far as I know is proceeding on a go-forward basis.”

“While we’re waiting, however, I have decided to expand the ABC program to ABCD: ‘Anything But Conservative & Druid.’ Ideally, this will allow the people of the province to send a powerful message to Ottawa and put an end to a government of frauds and black wizards.”

-30-

Don't Stop Believin'

2008-03-11T14:49:00.006-02:30

Hold on to that feelin'~

PRO TIP: Secret Nation, while very entertaining, is a work of fiction.

Ironically, the funniest thing about this picture may not be the numbers themselves but that the 'Yes' bar is red and the 'No' bar is blue.

edit:
WE KNOW WHAT WE'RE FIGHTING FOR

NEWFOUNDLAND ~~AND LABRADOR~~

Alleluia

2008-03-04T09:39:00.011-03:30

7 And so it was that Loyola returned to the people with tidings of joy; ₂ for he had seen the works of the LORD Most High and had been so commanded to again bring news of His Glory unto them. ₃ He went into the holy city of Saint John's and found there a throng of the people in wait for his emissary from the LORD, and he went before them and spoke:

₄ "O Peoples of Newfoundland, I bring to you these sacred mysteries of Our Father in Ottawa, who loves you so much as to shower you with gold so that you may fix your bridges for skidooing." ₅ The people cheered at first but then grew restless, as many had grown wary of Loyola's prophecies. Ross Wiseman Iscariot was the first to speak, saying:

₆ "Why does the LORD send you to preach these things to us as if they are new when they are in fact as old as time itself? Surely this is further proof that your God is not so holy as you say He is!" ₇ The people at this point began to get restless and threatened to overwhelm Loyola, who fell to his knees in supplication to the LORD so that his seat may be protected. Suddenly a light from Heaven shone down upon the land and an Angel of the LORD appeared, saying:

₈ "Lo! I am the Archangel Peter MacKay, who sits at the left hand of the Father in Ottawa; why do you heap scorn upon this holy man before you? He is a prophet of the LORD and he speaks the truth! Who are you to question His Divine Plan?" ₉ And the people did pause to think, and realised that the Archangel Peter MacKay probably had a point. Had the ancient holy men not said it is better to have one prophet in the Cabinet of the LORD than to fill the Shadows with false ones?

₁₀ Now the High Priest of the day was also there in the same crowd and did not follow with the rest of people in their reasoning, saying: ₁₁"Quite frankly, I am not convinced that we are in the favour of the LORD; how can I believe the words of His prophet when He has cursed our Atlantic Covenant so?" ₁₂ The people then again became rowdy, asking similar questions of the holy emissaries. The Archangel Peter MacKay was prepared for this line of questioning and spoke again, saying:

₁₃"You must remember that the LORD moves in mysterious ways; while it may seem that He has dishonoured many of His covenants to the layperson's eye, He has never done any such thing and in fact all his actions are line with the sacred vow of 'promise made, promise kept' He made during His days on Earth before His ascension to the golden mansion of 24 Sussex Drive." ₁₄ But this answer did not satisfy the people or their High Priest, who spoke again, saying:

₁₅"That doesn't make any sense; how can the LORD be said to be progressing on a go-forward basis by consistently doing the opposite of what He vowed to do at an earlier time?" ₁₆ To this the Archangel Peter MacKay stated simply "I have no further comments at this time" and ascended once again into the light of Heaven. The people, seeing this, soon dispersed, for they had learned of late that attempting to understand the rationale behind the holy mysteries of the LORD proved too taxing on the faculties. ₁₇ And Loyola did bend his knees again and praise the LORD, for he knew that he was no longer in danger from the people. He further praised the LORD for the results of the Liberal nomination which had just happened, ₁₈ for as any wise man knows, barring the emergence of a local Open Line host as a candidate in the next election, since Creation it has been a given that incumbent prophets always win contests against those who believe in "best three out of five."

- The Book of Hearn, Chapter 7

Independent's Day

2008-02-29T15:41:00.003-03:30

As someone writing inflammatory opinion pieces both in print and on the internet, I was legitimately shocked and personally upset when I opened up a copy of The Independent this morning and found out that someone doesn't like me.

Ivan Morgan, I am undone.

In an open letter to yours truly Mr. Morgan has gone to great lengths to convey how dismayed he is that someone out there has the audacity to give opinions on politics using a pseudonym. It's cowardly and dishonourable to the entire profession of journalism and roughly on par with allowing AIDS patients to die untreated or ordering the massacre at Beaumont Hamel.

With smarm and self-righteousness, Mr. Morgan has singlehandedly exposed me as a loathesome fraud, too pathetic to publicly reveal myself for fear that Danny Williams will personally come to my house under the cover of darkness and kneecap me.

I am a disgrace to journalists everywhere and I admit defeat.

This is, of course, what I would say in response to Ivan Morgan assuming his point had any merit or relevance and didn't read like someone gave Comic Book Guy print space and deep-seated insecurities about his place in his chosen career.

I hate to break it to you Mr. Morgan, but I'm not actually a journalist. I know, it's really difficult to make the distinction between an objective and scholarly investigative report and what is essentially a satirical political weblog adapted for print media, so I can understand that this is probably a fairly common mistake. It's cool, I won't hold it against you.

I like your assumption that I am hiding behind a fake name because I fear that were my true identity revealed, I would be put up against the wall. I'm not entirely sure where you got this from, because I don't really remember saying anything of the sort. I'm not even sure I've ever said this is a pseudonym. Why do you assume I'm not legitimately a man named Richard Raleigh? Why do you assume my employment is such that posting on a blog I (apparently mistakenly) assumed no one actually read would get me fired?

What if I actually was Danny Williams and this whole thing is just one big meta-joke? More importantly, why does this even matter? Slow news day? I'm going to assume it was a slow news day.

But since you were so nice to write me a letter, I'll fill you in on a secret, Ivan - the biggest secret of them all. My real, honest-to-goodness reason for being a dishonourable coward (or, if you prefer, a "despicable twerp") isn't because I live in fear of losing my job, but because I think it's funny. I know, a comedy writer doing/saying something because it's perceived as funny - we're through the looking glass here, people. I would make a "stop the presses" joke at this point but I'm afraid if I besmirch the good name of journalism anymore you might have an aneurysm.

I'm also impressed you drew the analogy between publishing monthly opinion pieces in a free newspaper and refusing to treat AIDS patients - I know that the logical acrobatics you need to undertake to draw that kind of parallel are no small feat. A better analogy would probably be an individual from a totally nonrelated profession is a doctor as a hobby and who treats AIDS patients using a different name. Or something like that - you're the professional writer, man; help a brother out.

All in all, your letter reads like a hit piece from J. Jonah Jameson raging about SPIDERMAN WHY DOES HE WEAR THAT MASK RAAARGH - not that I'm complaining, of course. I started doing this to ruffle feathers so I was, in all seriousness, flattered when I opened up the paper this morning. By rights I should be thanking you - by getting angry enough at my mediocre satirical musings to devote a column to me you've actually legitimised the very thing that's making you so upset. Also the free publicity was great, too. Thanks!

Your outrage is silly, Mr. Morgan. Relax - it's not like this is serious business or anything.

Much ado about Freudian Slips

2008-02-22T15:19:00.002-03:30

It must be a slow week for the Department of Education because apparently Jokegate 2008 is the only issue the Minister of Education has to deal with at the moment.

There isn't much point in repeating myself over the merits of the Minister's complaint, but it's worth pointing out that she's brought up an interesting new point: Hearn's joke about an overweight woman is actually a manifestation of underlying sexism present in the federal Conservative party.

While the federal Tories have made some blatantly regressive policy decisions regarding the status of women in the short time they've been in government ("You can go home guys, women are pretty much equal" - Bev Oda, 2006), the last time Hearn's joke could be considered even remotely edgy or sexist would be sometime in the 1930s, and contrary to what Joan Burke might ~~have been told to believe by her boss~~say, it really is a leap of faith to assume that because of an incredibly lame joke, Loyola Hearn truly believes women belong barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen as little more than glorified baby-producing machines.

But, all that aside, Joan Burke's comments raise an interesting question: can such seemingly innocuous statements act as Freudian slips to reveal the deepest, darkest secrets of people and governments?

Why don't we take a look:

Statement 1: "...[it involves trying to] balance the responsibility of the patients who needed change and the responsibility of protecting the interests of [Eastern Health] in the event of a litigation." - Health Minister Ross Wiseman referring to why Eastern Health did not inform patients of inaccurate breast cancer test results

BURKEAN SLIP: "We are greedy misogynists." - Health Minister Ross Wiseman

Statement 2: "I think I represent, in my heart and soul, the hearts and souls of Newfoundlanders and Labradorians..." - Premier Danny Williams, explaining why he feels his party enjoys overwhelming popular support

BURKEAN SLIP: "If you vote Liberal, I'll cut you." - Lord Daniel Q. Williams I, God-Emperor of Newfoundland and her colony Labrador

Statement 3: "I think we have a clear example here of a government that does not respect women." - Education Minister Joan Burke, referring to a joke Loyola Hearn made about an overweight woman

BURKEAN SLIP: "God please let the media keep going with this story so I have time to come up with a way to blame the Liberals for stealing information on children or whatever it was that happened and can therefore continue to avoid actually being knowledgeable about my job in any way." - Education Minister Joan "Psychoanalyst" Burke

Of course, this is purely a thought experiment - I mean, I don't think Ross Wiseman is evil so much as he is inept, and I doubt that the Premier intends to put dissenters up against the wall anytime soon.

Joan Burke, however, is definitely clutching at straws here.

Relax, Minister - sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.

Minister Burke, the joke is on you

2008-02-21T16:12:00.003-03:30

Do you like jokes? I like jokes. In fact I heard a really good one recently that I feel compelled to share with you:

So there's this tourist travelling across Canada, and he decides to visit one church in every province that he stops in. So he gets off the plane in British Columbia and visits a church, and they have a phone line directly to heaven that costs 100 dollars to use. He doesn't use it, of course, because that's an obscene price for a phone call, period. So he heads out to Alberta and finds that at the next church they have the same line to heaven, but this one costs 80 dollars. Thinking there might be pattern to this, his next stop is a church in Ontario and sure enough, there's another phone line to heaven and it costs 50 dollars. He heads to New Brunswick next, where it costs 20 dollars, and finally he runs out of room to head east in Canada and makes his last stop in a church here in Newfoundland, where he discovers that the line to heaven is only 25 cents - the reason being, of course, that he's already there.

Aww.

But wait, it gets better:

While he's stopped over in Newfoundland he hears someone mention that they've got the same thing over in Ireland; so obviously, he jumps at the chance to continue his investigation of these bizarre heavenly phones. Of course, when he gets there, he realises they have a totally different pricing scheme on the other side of the pond, and he's told that it'll cost him about 300 pounds to use their line to heaven. Naturally, he makes the call and then leaves his wife behind.

Hah, I love that one. Unfortunately I can't take credit for it though, since I got it from federal Fisheries Minister Loyola Hearn. Or maybe I didn't. At this point, I'm not really sure if I did or not, and apparently neither is Mr. Hearn or Education Minister Joan Burke.

Honestly I'm not entirely sure Joan Burke is in any position to criticise anyone for over their choice of comedy (or lack thereof). Based on everything I've ever heard her say both in and out of the House, I can only assume that she is the sort of person who enjoys Mallard Fillmore unironically:

That aside, the joke in question - which apparently neither CBC or VOCM will reproduce in print medium - is pretty tame as far as sexist jokes go, to the point where I firmly believe that anyone finding it legitimately and/or offensively sexist desperately needs to get out more (Lorraine Michael, are you reading this?). If it makes you more comfortable, feel free to imagine the protagonist as a woman and replace the word "wife" with "husband" and it's essentially the same joke, although this might make it somewhat more difficult for the Education Minister to claim moral outrage about it.

Also, claiming moral outrage over a joke you never actually heard except through hearsay seems like an extremely frivolous and hilariously trivial thing to do that no sane government member would ever actually follow through on. Or at least, you would assume as much, until you remember that our provincial government has gone completely overboard in its grudge match with the federal Conservative party to the point of being so desperate to come up with something to offset recent spending announcements that they've resorted to trying to make a mountain out of what they heard might be a molehill (but aren't really sure).

Ironically, what Joan Burke and the provincial government don't seem to realise is that by blowing up at the federal Conservatives over everything they do and actively trying to make sure none are elected to the House from this province, they'll create a situation in which the only jokes they'll be hearing from federal Ministers in another (likely) Harper minority government will all start with "so, there's this Newfie..."

We Have Always Been At War With Eastasia

2008-02-15T14:24:00.008-03:30

Well it sure has been an intense week here in St. John's as the Premier finally stepped in to decisively state that there's no real problem with Andy Wells keeping his job as mayor and taking the job of chair of th-

Wait, hang on a second, I'm seeing something else here. Wha-

--

Well it sure has been an intense week here in St. John's as the Premier finally stepped in to decisively state that Andy Wells can't keep both his job as mayor of St. John's and the job of chair of the PUB and that it has to be one or the other.

It's very refreshing to see a reminder of the proud, strong and determined will of the Williams Administration every once in a while; as a single-issue voter who was wowed entirely on the Premier's uncompromising stance against Prime Minister Stephen Hitler, no matter how detrimental to provincial-federal relations that may have been, I am pleased to see that the man I helped give a Smallwood-esque mandate will not crack in the face of public pressure or otherwise waffle on his stances.

I mean, if he had, someone in the media would have called him on it, right?

...right?

Selling out is hard to do

2007-12-11T14:07:00.000-03:30

Or, if you're the provincial government, apparently it's quite easy.

Yes, it would appear that the new equalization formula which has been variously decried as scandalous, a betrayal, valueless, and an overall insult to Newfoundland and Labrador has been signed by the government. Even the Fighting Newfoundlander must throw in the towel on some matches, and certainly this was a battle where the odds weren't in the province's favour. Despite the Premier promising just a short while ago that he was ready for a "new round of fighting," it looks like we'll all be going home, disappointed and sober, after the first round.

To some, this might look like a capitulation of Six Day War proportions; to others it'll resemble more of a Chamberlain-like compromise. In actuality, it's more of the latter; despite very strong implications and overtones of "never give in, never surrender" in the Premier's rhetoric since March, he avoided making any sort of definite statement a la Stephenville Mill with regards to the adoption of the equalisation formula. In Williams' own words, this is a sell out.

Politics, of course, is all about conflict, compromise, and the occasional flip-flop. This is nothing new, and this sort of quietly changing the course is a staple of almost every time a government has ever loudly fought a battle it couldn't win.

However, it's the fact that this is nothing new that's precisely the problem. The Premier and his government have built themselves up as the Fighting Newfoundlanders, eschewing the old ways of doing politics that have gotten the province so far in the hole and let our resources be exploited to the brink of no return; this is a Premier that promised to "stay the course" on getting our fair share and doing not only what is best, but what is right for the people of this province; above all, this is a Premier and a government that have proclaimed, on a large number of occasions, that there will be no more giveaways. And, as they should rightly do for that sort of representation, the province gave this government a positively monolithic mandate.

What we've got now, today, with the signing of the new equalisation formula, is a de facto admission that the new politics and new hope for change promised by the Premier was in fact simply rhetoric. A Fighting Newfoundlander who gives up when the going gets rough; a captain who is only steady at the wheel in calm weather, and who will avoid the risks of uncharted waters in exchange for a smooth, if rather lackluster, ride; a sudden switch to pragmatism from principle because it's "what's best for the province."

The actual mechanics and costs vs. benefits of this deal are essentially irrelevant (although it bears repeating that both the government and the economists who've looked at it have dismissed its worth) at this point, because ultimately what this deal means to the people of this province is that we're just getting more of the "politics of mediocrity" that the Tories vowed to do away with.

And unfortunately, that means that the credibility of the Leviathan we elected is the only joke in this entire entry.

True Grit

2007-11-13T17:18:00.000-03:30

Well, it's official - Gerry Reid has stepped down as leader of the Liberal Party. I'm sure there is a joke in here about Mr. Negativity saying "no" to keeping his job, but since we're all conservatives now post-October 9th I'm sure you can pull yourselves up by your bootstraps and make it yourselves.

This shouldn't come as a surprising development for anyone, of course - it was painfully obvious watching the man over the past year that he didn't want the job of Opposition Leader. And who could blame him? Personally, I wouldn't want to meet the man who was eager to play the part of Judas in what is very much Danny Williams' passion play. That, and his decision to step down should have been obvious to anyone who heard his concession speech, during which his emotional display ranged somewhere between "winning the lottery" and "holding your child for the first time."

Speaking of passion plays, the Premier, in his infinite mercy and compassion, doled out praise for Reid in his performance as the Moriarty to his Holmes; apparently underneath the vendetta politics and accusations of being a totally incompetent, ineffective and useless Opposition Leader who would destroy the province if elected Premier, there were actually no hard feelings on Danny's side of things and Reid really wasn't as bad as previously depicted. If I hadn't decided at twelve that the only appropriate emotional response to my first breakup was to become cold, detached and dead inside, this display of ~~hypocrisy~~non-partisan goodwill would bring a tear to my eye.

Reid's accomplishments (or lack thereof, depending on your political orientation) as Opposition Leader aside, his decision to step down is a pretty intelligent one. Personally, as alluded to, it not only allows him to be done with the thankless job of criticizing the most popular Premier since Joey, but also to finally enjoy the pension that is the raison d'etre for most of the PC backbenchers elected a month ago.

That said, the downside to Gerry Reid throwing in the towel is that this allows the rest of the old guard to step into the ring again for another shot at getting the blood money entitled to Judas. Not surprisingly, John Efford is still jumping at the opportunity for ~~more~~some public attention, and though there isn't much discussion about it in the press, Danny Dumaresque's appetite for power and glory isn't exactly a secret. I would honestly be less surprised to learn that these men are actually in the employ of the PCs to try and keep the Liberals down rather than genuinely trying to make the party work.

And therein lies the true brilliance of Gerry Reid's curtain call - say what you will about him, but he's not stupid. The "New Liberalism" theme was thrown around alot on the campaign trail, but in the end it was little more than a cheap air freshener hanging from the rearview mirror of a campaign bus reeking something fierce; Reid is fully aware of this, and is equally aware of the fact that no one in this province will want to ride the Liberal bus come next election if they try to cover that stench with a few spurts of Febreeze.

No, the only way the Liberals will get rid of that smell is to take out the trash once and for all.

Rumours of my demise have been greatly exaggerated

2007-11-10T12:30:00.001-03:30

The clock was flashing 12:00 incessantly; he hadn't bothered to reprogram the time since the last time the power flickered, but it didn't stop him from instinctively looking towards it every morning. Groaning, he rolled over and sat up in his bed, only to immediately fall backwards again as a flash of pain seared just behind his eyes. Another day, and another vicious hangover. He knew it was the only way his body could communicate "CEASE AND DESIST" to him but he shrugged it off as he did any other day. Whatever doesn't kill me can only make me stronger, he thought to himself as he stood up out of bed, and wondered if that saying had ever been true for anyone in any situation.

He lurched out into the kitchen and squinted at the floor, averting his eyes from the rays of sunlight that cut through the room like blades. He flailed his arms blindly at the curtains in an attempt to get them shut, but the curtains relented until the curtain rod itself snapped in half and the whole fixture fell into the kitchen sink. He sighed, unsurprised. Abject failure was not a new sensation for him. He poured a pot of water into his coffee machine, and tore another page off his 365 DAYS OF GARFIELD calender. November ninth.

Had it really been a month? The fruition of a month of seeing the city dyed in blue with the occasional red or orange highlight, CBC's news anchors feigning surprise when announcing the Tory majority after 20 minutes, the happiest speech of Gerry Reid's career as Liberal leader, the coronation of the new Caesar in the Fairmont's open bar, all of that happened a month ago? That night seemed to have happened in both the immediate past and some ancient, primordial memory only dimly recalled when smelling homemade bread or that perfume your highschool sweetheart used to wear. He raised a cup of black coffee to his lips and sighed again, thinking yes, that certainly was an election all right.

He walked into the living room and looked over to the corner at his computer, its hard drive whining at him under the strain of a thousand different trojans and spyware programs because he refused to upgrade from Windows 98. Slurping loudly on his coffee, his thoughts returned to his neglected corner of cyberspace, buried under the weight of a thousand documents that needed immediate attention and an overpowering sense of political nihilism. What was the point? Luther could nail 95 Theses of Local Politics to the doors of the Confederation Building and it wouldn't make a lick of difference to anyone except that he'd be blacklisted from working in the civil service; an unread blog certainly wouldn't fare any better, even if time and workload permitted it.

He shrugged the thought off and sat down in front of his computer and cracked his knuckles. Might as well get some work done, then. As he opened up his inbox to check for new email, he noticed an advertisement at the top of the page and immediately spit out his coffee. He blinked and rubbed his eyes. No, it was real. He leaned back in his chair and raised an eyebrow contemplatively.

He thought for a moment at the inanity of it all, and took another sip of coffee. You know, he thought, maybe there is a need for Richard Raleigh after all.

Election 2007 Primer: What You Need To Know

2007-10-08T17:08:00.000-02:30

As you all know, tomorrow is finally time to cast our votes and have all the politicians shut up and go back to ignoring us for another four years. In light of this, I felt it was necessary to give this brief reminder that there is a key issue in this election that no one has yet touched upon.

You could even say that it could be the deciding factor for where we should be casting our ballots tomorrow.

If you're still in any way undecided about tomorrow, of if you're harbouring any lingering doubts about the candidate to whom you've tentatively pledged your vote, just remember this:

You can't spell Danny Williams without Slimy Anal Wind.

Someone once said that all of life's wisdom can be revealed through anagrams, for anagrams never lie.

Think about that on your way to the polling booth tomorrow.

In the meantime, I shall see you all tomorrow evening once we've passed through the veil into a brave new world that will likely resemble the one we've got now except the Premier will probably take a few more seats, unless something magical happens and the Liberals take those 6-12 seats that some people have been whispering about.

Until then, of course, may the best men, women, and, in a couple cases around the metro region, children, win. Regardless of what happens, here is to another four years of hilariously absurd governance in Newfoundland and Labrador!

Time Keeps on Slipping

2007-10-01T10:38:00.000-02:30

Yes I know what you're thinking - a political blog in the midst of an election that never updates is a pretty pathetic thing. And I will agree with you, although in my defence apparently working in politics means you get really busy with real life job-related things during election season as opposed to yelling about things on the internet, and also I may or may not have met a wonderful woman who is making it very difficult for me to be a bitter, broken shell of a man online. I'm kind of bitter about that aspect, though, so maybe this cycle will sort of work itself out later.

Anyways fortunately enough this election has been really bizarre in the sense that not a whole lot of noteworthy events have really been constantly happening but the things that have made the news are just short of scriptedly-absurd. I mean, we haven't quite reached the "Dick Cheney shoots a man in the face" level of just-add-water political satire but my God we can't be far off. Personally I was ~~hoping~~expecting poor Gerry Reid to haul off and punch the Premier in the face during the debate but that is another story entirely.

So, since I have been unfortunately absent from the internet for too long so far I'm going to attempt and cover my bases by providing the Reader's Digest Condensed NL Election Campaign 2007 Lexicon And Run-On Sentence Extravaganza! I hope you like rehashed 2-week old jokes because that is what you're all in for!

And so, without further ado:

1. Leader's Debate 2007 or How Fred Hutton learned to stop trying to keep order and just kind of roll with it
I am not even able to exaggerate when I write the following sentence: that was the worst hour of television I have ever experienced in my life. It was painful. But it wasn't painful in any sort of partisan sense - every leader's performance was cringe-worthy in its own special way. Lorraine Michaels looked like she was doped up full of Vicodin or something, and in between trying to feign excitement for possibly running 37 whole candidates in the election and uttering the phrase "well, I don't really know if we'd do a better job than the Liberals" I kind of hope she was really high or something, because if not then that party is in much harder shape than originally thought.

Meanwhile, poor Gerry Reid sounded like he was jonesing something awful the whole time, and while he managed to drop a few ice burns on Danny Williams ("You haven't done anything for rural Newfoundland and you know it!" and "Well, I'd like to comment on the MOU but that would require the Premier to have released some details about it to the public" were some of the more memorable ones) they were lost when he and the Premier engaged in a shouting match reminiscent of a bad divorce.

Speaking of the Premier, I really hope someone sent him a memo regarding posture. I mean, I understand that his slouching in over the podium was probably meant to send the message that Danny Williams is a pretty cool guy you could just go grab a beer with and it would be all casual-like but instead he just looked incredibly smug. Like, the kind of smug that you only get from your six-year-old nephew who willfully destroys your old and incredibly valuable baseball cards but you're the only one who sees him and so his mother yells at you for being some kind of monster for daring to suggest that her little angel could do something and while she's busy hauling him away muttering about how this is why you will die friendless and alone he gives you this look like he knows that he can get away with whatever he wants without suffering any negative consequences - that was the attitude the Premier had throughout that entire debate.

To make a long story short, I guess, I'd rather read a Dan Brown novel than sit through that debate again. Yes, it really was that bad.

2. Danny Williams is such a nice guy he'll give you a thousand dollars to have unprotected sex!

This has been beaten to death but really it is worth mentioning again as it is one of the worst ideas ever. I mean this is a terrible idea on tons of levels, but even if you skip over the fact that this is only appealing to people in situations of endemic poverty who are all out of options, or the fact that these birth bribes as a method of population growth didn't even work for the Nazis, you're still left with the fundamental problem of not having enough jobs for their parents or even the children whenever they grow up. The best way to keep people in the province is probably to create jobs or something like that but hey we got that MOU so construction on the eighty thousand oil rigs are going to start in the fall, right?

All this aside, if there are any attractive ladies out there in internetland feel free to drop me a line and go halfs on a baby or something, because I could totally go for 500 free dollars.

3. "What health care crisis? ...oh, shi-"

As someone all too familiar with Grand Falls I probably found it a lot funnier than I should have that it would be the site of one of Williams' more amusing moments of the election, but the image of Danny saying "You can't be serious" when told just how bad the hospital situation will forever be etched in my mind. It leaves almost a little hope that maybe Danny really is up there doing his best and his ministers are actually hiding this stuff from him so he doesn't look bad, but then you remember that even if that was the case instead of the Punch-and-Judy puppetshow that is the Williams administration then its still pretty sad that the premier would be so clueless as to the state of the healthcare system to be pretty shocked by actually going to a hospital beyond the overpass. What was it he said about St. John's being neglected? Also, saying that the hospital will be standing in line with deteriorating schools and roads was a nice touch too. That's cool, I'd rather die from lupus while being treated for the flu than hit a pothole, too.

Of course, there is a lot left to the election (read: 8 days) and ideally I will be able to cover things as they develop rather than assault the English language and break your scroll button every other week so we will see how it goes. Things you can expect to be on the agenda of business which could be considered serious:
- Election Predictions 2007: The Roland Butler Appreciation Station and I am going to hope, for the sake of the future of political comedy in this province, that the Natural Resources Minister is beaten by a 20 year old political science major
- An in-depth analysis of why this election is quickly turning into a contest to see which party is made up of the least people from St. John's
- And other hard-hitting reporting on Election 2007 as it develops, etc.

Remember, folks: if it happens in the election season, you'll hear it at Serious Business ~~first~~like twelfth or something!

Oh god not this guy again

2007-09-12T13:31:00.001-02:30

I know what you're thinking - just when you thought it was safe to turn off your sarcasm radar some poor fool at Aliant flipped a switch and unleashed upon the internet a Pandora's Box of irreverent snark ("relevant content" is what was left behind in the box if you want me to finish the allusion). Consider this blog like the Churchill Falls deal; everyone wishes it would just go away but it won't and it will be damned if you're going to forget about it.

Anyways with the election campaign just around the corner I figured this would be prime time to actually re-establish a connection with the outside world. Elections are like the Stanley Cup playoffs for me, and since I don't watch hockey I need to find some way to vent about deficient players and which team captains should be fired and how most of the time the referees are making calls that are mindblowingly terrible. I'd go on about the similarities between hockey and politics but that would require me to actually know anything about hockey, so I'll stop here because this digression has just gotten outrageous.

Assuming the people who might be reading this follow current events, I'm sure by now you're well aware of the government's new energy plan which was released yesterday. While this move is sure to please the large demographic of people (this includes candidates in the upcoming election, just so you know) in this province who can't tell the difference between an MOU and a deal that has construction on oil rigs starting next week and who also cannot be bothered to actually read anything the government releases, I think it should be worth at least a glance over. While I again freely admit that I am no economist, I have given it a few runthroughs and have managed to draw up a very succinct flowchart of Williams' new plan:

Step 1. Insist on 10% equity stake in any oil development
Step 2. Mention development of Lower Churchill
Step 3. ???
Step 4. Profit
(Ten points if you catch the reference)

If I'm not mistaken, I believe it was pseudo-philosopher and right-wing czarina Ayn Rand who once said "Throughout the centuries there were men who took the first steps down new roads armed with nothing but their own vision." While our premier probably isn't an Objectivist, it would probably be for the best if he'd share the actual mechanics of his great vision with the rest of us - if there is anything history and campy 80s horror films have taught us, it's that not having a roadmap always ends terribly with either Quebec owning your electricity or a man in a William Shatner mask trying to tear open your car door.

(Or I guess you could combine those two metaphors and wind up with something like "Quebec is the William Shatner of Canada" but then I think saying something like that might constitute a hate crime.)

You see Black and White, but I see Red

2007-08-29T11:19:00.000-02:30

Gentle readers, before I begin on any sort of dissertation on this fine day I must apologise for my unannounced hiatus; moving around St. John's is a hassle when it has to be done incrementally, and it's also really hard to post things on the internet when you're without internet. I know your lives revolve around my occasional updates so I'm trying to rectify the problem as soon as possible - in the meantime, I suggest you finish that knitting project you've been putting off.

Anyways, I was moved to venture out towards a public internet terminal because I've been noticing a curious infestation in the city here as of late.

It would appear that the city of St. John's has contracted a sudden case of Liberals.

Well, federal Liberals, at least. The party has apparently selected St. John's as the host city for their National Caucus events this year, and all the Liberal MPs and Senators have come out in force to apparently take in our wonderful scenery such as the vertical streets and The Bubble.

I'm not sure how far in advance this National Caucus bit is planned, but I can't say I'm especially surprised that the Red Army has chosen to set up camp here for the week; it's a safe bet that Newfoundland and Labrador is the national capital of anti-Tory sentiment at the moment, and because this province will never vote NDP without a gun to its head, assumedly the Liberals recognise that we will likely go entirely red in the next federal election and are most likely going to prod us in that direction over the coming days, weeks and months.

This, of course, is a pretty easy thing for Stephane Dion and his compatriots to do. Much to the chagrin of their provincial counterparts, the federal Liberal party can very easily sidle up with Danny Williams and his ~80% approval rating, and being who they are can also tap into this province's natural vitriol for Stephen Harper. For the Liberals, this is like the Grand Banks except instead of cod it is votes and the Premier is like a magical vote-collecting factory trawler (think Theodore Tugboat) and all they've got to do is rubber stamp his approval to collect all the votes until they run out and there is a moratorium declared and all the votes leave for Alberta and oh God the post-traumatic stress disorder is back and-

Ahem.

But is it really that strange for the Liberal Party of Canada to endorse a provincial Tory premier? Vote-garnering political rationality aside, the logic for such a move really does run a little deeper than it might first appear. Federally, politics is largely driven along more ideological lines; you can see a distinction between the centre-left Liberals and the more neo-conservative Conservatives - it's not quite as stark as the constrast between the Democrats and Republicans who wage war for control of the imperial palace to the south, but it's definitely there.

Not so much in provincial politics, however; in Newfoundland and Labrador, at least, we operate on a much more pragmatic basis, and there isn't really a strong overarching ideological theme to the parties here - we kind of just do what seems like a good idea at the time. Liberals and Liberals because their fathers and grandfathers were, and likewise with the Tories; this is why we've got this weird situation where Liberal premiers will make cuts to the public service and Tory premiers will insist on a (at least partial) nationalisation of natural resources and industries.

So, think about it - if you really look at what he's doing, is Premier Williams seem like more of a neocon ala Harper or did he actually know what he was talking about when he called himself a 'Red Tory' last year? While this is admittedly just a pet theory of mine, it's not entirely inconceivable that in another place and another time, Danny Williams might have been a federal MP flying under the banner of the Liberal Party of Canada. I mean, he's obviously got that fiscally conservative streak about him, but wasn't one Mr. Martin once fitted with that description? (Speaking of Martin, he should somewhere within the city limits of St. John's as I write this - I hear he likes to party, so make sure you bring your camera to George Street tonight.)

So in that sense, when Stephane Dion has a meeting with the Premier about economic issues or provincial Liberal MPs come out with reactions to Williams ranging from 'endorsement' to 'praise', it's not just to score political points here in the province - it may be because these kissing cousins legitimately see eye to eye on the issues.

Mmm, that's good food for thought. On that note, I'm off to go dig my camera out of a box and go out on a safari for some of Canada's political quasi-celebrities. If anyone catches a shot of Belinda Stronach, make sure to mail it to me so I can ~~finish building my shrine to her in my closet~~ showcase your photographic talent on the Internet!

And with that, we now return you to your regularly scheduled hiatus.

8/22 Never Forget

2007-08-24T10:52:00.000-02:30

Stop for a second and take a deep breath.

Can't you taste the difference in the air? I knew it as soon as I awoke yesterday morning. Things were different.

We are officially living in a post-MOU world, and nothing will ever be the same.

I mean, its not a legally binding agreement, and we have very few details other than that it is the greatest deal in the history of time (or at least since Europeans traded smallpox for North America in the 17th century), but still. It's the thought that counts.

However, like all earth-shattering events that may or may not happen in the future, our new post-MOU world raises important questions. Namely, whether or not we'll have an Opposition on October 10th, or even if we need one.

Bill Rowe has been abusing the word 'juggernaut' over the past few days in talking about the Williams government machine, and as much as he is in desperate need of a thesaurus, he has a very good point; Williams may as well attach a steamroller to the front of his RV. Obviously, this throws some doubt on future existence of an Opposition party for the next 4 years or so.

This question of democracy comes on the heels of this wonderous deal-to-probably-make-a-deal and the Premier's intentions to not set it before the legislature for any kind of vote or examination of the details. But don't take my word for it:

"I hadn't even considered [bringing the details before the legislature] quite frankly[...][The opposition] would probably carry government in on their shoulders and pass it with a blink … This deal, is such a good deal for the government of Newfoundland and Labrador, that ratification wouldn't be an issue."
- Premier Danny Williams, according to CBC.ca

The current question of the future of the Opposition in this province has divided the province into two key camps:

Those people who love Danny Williams and who believe he can do no wrong but think there should be an Opposition there just to prove democractically that he can actually do no wrong; and,
Those people who love Danny Williams and believe he can do no wrong so there is no real reason to have an Opposition anyways because it will only slow down Danny's progress (made on a go-forward basis)

The best exemplary of this view was expressed by Minister Kathy Dunderdale calling into VOCM's BackTalk yesterday afternoon to reassure us that we don't need to be worried about the future of our democracy if/when the PCs win all 48 seats in the province.

Her rationale for this came in two major points. After reiterating that August 22nd was the greatest day in the history of the province, she first asserted that Premier Williams legitimately is Newfoundland's Messiah by informing us that:

"He is such a consensus builder [...] everyone in government is on the same page when we go into the House [...] he's such a visionary and I'm very excited and grateful to be working along with him."
- Kathy Dunderdale

With the memory of Fabian Manning and crab fishermen haunting my dreams, I was extremely worried that some MHAs may dissent with the Premier. I'm sure you can imagine my relief to find out that Danny Williams is committed to making sure everyone on his side of the House has the exact same position on every issue as he does. It's good to know that a 100% majority of PCs in the province would move as fast as possible to make Danny's visions a reality.

Secondly, and more importantly, the Minister made the same argument that most pro-Blue Flood indivduals have made on the airwaves: namely, that the current Opposition is basically useless and accomplishes nothing anyways, so by having no Opposition nothing will change at all (except that things will get better because Danny will get things done even faster).

This argument makes perfect sense. The Opposition has been too busy nitpicking silly things like transparency issues over fibre-optic cables or which government officials knew what about hormone test problems or whether or not selling FPI was handled properly. Most of the time the Opposition itself has admitted these are good ideas anyways, so why should we elect them again just to stand in the way of great progress? If there is one thing that history has shown, it's that when good ideas are involved, un-checked governments are physically incapable of acting in a corrupt manner.

So when the government says that getting our MOU was a beautiful, historic day for this province, they were right. Whether or not the deal ultimately turns out in a few years to be as marvellous as we're told or not (I'm not an economist, I only play one on television), that is not the real reason for the Premier's giddiness on Wednesday.

What was really happening at that press conference was a pulic approval-rating sanction to turn government up on Warp 9 in reshaping the province as our Prophet-in-Chief sees fit by any means so long as its "a good idea".

So remember where you were at noon on August 22nd, 2007: the day democracy in Newfoundland and Labrador became obsolete.

"Separatists Are Wimps" (and other inflammatory titles)

2007-08-21T14:32:00.000-02:30

Apparently, according to some of the gurus of the airwaves in this province, the Premier is "wimpy and wussy" if he opts for any course of action in the current dispute with Ottawa short of outright separation.

I mean, other small island populations have successfully become countries, so we should be able to do the same thing, right?

I'm not sure why not threatening to separate from the country is viewed as being a "wimpy" thing to do; to me, at least, advocating this separation schtick as opposed to working within the system to create a meaningful and constructive dialogue across the Canadian federation is akin to breaking up by sending your girlfriend a text message saying "btw we r broke up now n u can keep my stuff :(" rather than sitting down and actually talking about your problems to try and work something out. Maybe I've been out of juniour high too long and I forget the philosophical underpinnings of break-up-via-note-delivered-by-a-friend-of-a-friend that explain why it's as courageous as standing up to the tanks in Tianamen Square, but somehow I just don't see it.

But hey, I don't know what I'm talking about; I mean, I am afterall disagreeing with someone who hosts a radio show.

Sometimes a Cigar is just a Cigar

2007-08-16T15:18:00.000-02:30

Yvonne Jones will win her riding on October 9th, 2007.

How do I know that at least one Liberal will have a parking spot on Confederation Hill come October 10th?

Because Jones has managed something hitherto thought impossible; being a strong Liberal MHA who not only looks like a better choice than the Tory candidate in her district but can also gain some bonus points by being able to praise Danny "The Size of my Poll is not Compensating for Anything" Williams. This would be one of those "I'll eat my hat" moments but fortunately for me I neither wear hats nor made any sort of prior statement regarding such activities.

That said, Dennis Normore made himself a pretty easy target for slagging by all sides. I think he was under the impression he was running for a seat in the Supreme Soviet instead of the House of Assembly; I don't believe I've heard things like "we need to be on the government side [...] otherwise we're going to pay dearly for it" or "this region may be sacrificial in the upcoming election" spoken so plainly since the days when Communists roamed the Earth.

Although Normore is in most likelihood right in his statements (if you look at how politics have worked in this province running back to ~~Danny Williams I~~Joey Smallwood), it's not exactly kosher for the man to come out and say those things. To his credit, the Premier refused to play Emperor Palpatine to Normore's Darth Vader and put his foot down to snap Normore back in line. Regardless of the practice of government actions, the theory of government action must remain pristine. Or at least, don't go spilling the secrets to anyone who doesn't know the secret handshake, and especially not the media. We can say what we will about the Premier, but to borrow Yvonne Jones' terminology, he is most certainly a talented statesman and he knows the rules of the game.

The only problem is that in this game we're the ball, and the rules work in such a way that no matter which team wins, loses, cheats or steals, we're still the ones who end up getting kicked around in the dirt. Dennis Normore was way out of line, but there's no way he didn't say anything everyone else - Liberal and Tory - weren't already thinking.

I'd call it a Freudian slip, but it looks like Normore's subconscious is wearing teflon shoes on a sheet of wet ice.

Celebrity Poker: Canadian Politicians Edition

2007-08-15T16:06:00.000-02:30

I was actually almost surprised that VOCM placed their coverage of Prime Minister Stephen Harper's cabinet shuffle above their article on Tara Oram getting voted out of Canadian Idol, but then again I'm not sure if it had been the other way around they'd really be getting their priorities wrong; both events are at roughly the same relevancy to our lives in this province.

What did actually manage to surprise me, however, was that some people seem to think that Harper leaving Jim Flaherty in the position of Finance Minister is only now signalling that the Atlantic Accord business means little or nothing to Harper.

We have been following the same story, right?

This isn't like an episode of LOST where we're now suddenly realising that THERE WERE TWO ISLANDS ALL ALONG [warning: the preceding sentence contains a spoiler]; if Harper's unscrupulous nature wasn't immediately apparent on the first day of his mandate in making patronage appointments or goading floor crossing from the Liberals, then one could have assumed that his openly musing about reneging on his promise of excluding resource revenues from the equalization formula was probably a better indication that he didn't care about our feelings too much. But I understand we're still in a The X Files-esque form of foreshadowing, and that could get a little difficult to follow occasionally.

Fortunately for us after the budget was dropped Harper made it fairly clear directly in the aftermath he either didn't care about overtly breaking campaign promises or had somehow managed to rationalise it that he had in fact kept it; honestly I'm not sure which is more likely (take your pick of whichever one helps you sleep better at night). And then top himself, just to show how much he didn't care he openly asked the unsatisfied Premiers to challenge the government in court. I'm pretty sure if you added a laughtrack to CPAC no one would be able to tell that it wasn't a bastardised Canadian version of Yes, Minister.

But yet people/MPs seem to be thinking that the war of equalization between this province and Ottawa has become a non-issue only now in light of Harper's decision to hold Flaherty instead of folding him. I want to say I'm surprised that even callers in VOCM could hold this opinion, but, I'd never be able to live with myself if I uttered untruths on the internet.

I will say, however, that if this is the hand Harper wants to take into the next election, he'd better make sure his poker face and bluffing skills are up to snuff. He doesn't seem to need much practice with the latter, though.

Also: I'm aware that this is probably your source for serious political commentary but just for those of you who treat this as some kind of entertainment (you must be bored because this blog is honestly not that funny), here are some BONUS UNUSED CARD ANALOGIES:

Harper's reshuffling his hand in preparation for the flop
Harper must have pocket Aces if he's this brazen over the Atlantic Accord
Harper's so conservative he treats this country like a game Texas Hold-Em (har har)
I'm out of good card jokes so you could say I busted (we are now talking about Blackjack fyi)
Federal Tories looking for electoral support in this province are getting a big "GO FISH" from Danny Williams, which is ironic because we have a moratorium you see

I am so sorry you had to read that.

This Post is Biased against Real Science(tm)

2007-08-14T14:23:00.000-02:30

Just when you thought it was safe to listen to people with degrees, Bill Rowe emerged today on BackTalk to set the record straight on global warming hysteria:

"These people - the 'Suzuki Brigade', you could say - treat this almost as a matter of faith, like a new religion you can't question, that we are headed for impending man-made disaster."

I am so glad someone is finally exposing this conspiracy for what it is. Everyone knows David Suzuki invented climate change 20 years ago in order to further an insidious and highly unscientific liberal political agenda, which is why no other real scientists believe global warming is actually happening. The ones who say that it's real are just really bitter that Al Gore lost the 2000 Presidential election.

To further explode the myth of global warming Bill was joined by Dr. Tim Ball, representative of a group of climate change skeptics based out of Ottawa and probably not pushing any kind of agenda at all. [edit - I wasn't the only one who picked up on this majestic radio event and Labradore points out that this thinktank is "Friends of Science". Apparently these guys didn't quite get out of the friend zone with Lady Empiricism and their only sources of action are consolation hugs from her after breakups - Auth.]

Okay, that last bit was a little harsh; I shouldn't just be making blanket insinuations like that (on the internet, no less) without being an expert on science else I am no better than people like David Suzuki. While a lot of Dr. Ball's scientific moonlanguage went over my head, what I lack in knowledge of climate science I like to think I make up for in knowledge of history and I found one of his closing remarks rather interesting:

"These 'scientists' seem to be constantly making errors in calculating the global temperature; for instance, they're saying that 1998 is not actually the warmest year on record, or that 2005 is not the warmest year on record or any of that [ignore this - Auth.]. Most scientists, in reality, are now saying that the warmest year on record was in fact 1934 - long before humans were producing CO2."
-Dr. Tim Ball, scientician [emphasis added]

Hmm, yes. It was a glorious day on January 1st, 1935 when FDR simultaneously invented breathing, fire, the Industrial Revolution and automobiles at once to end the Great Depression.

This accomplishment is especially impressive when you consider that the man was an alcoholic with polio.

Negotiator? But I barely know 'er!

2007-08-10T11:58:00.000-02:30

It would appear that some earlier musings by some news outlets have actually come to fruition today, as negotiations over the development of Hebron have formally resumed.

I'm still a little puzzled about the point of it these negotiations resuming again, because the Premier has made it very clear that his position has not changed, and if that wasn't good enough for the oil companies a year ago why would the situation change in any way whatsoever? Of course, I freely admit that I am relatively ignorant of the inner workings of oil industry negotiations, and also that I suffer from a crippling lack of faith in the sheer economic might of the Glorious Empire of Newfoundland (and its colony Labrador) and the leverage it gives us to bring Big Oil to its knees. But I digress; unlike some other bloggers I'm not here to talk economics, I'm here to ~~mock~~talk politics.

Let's assume that the Premier is going to continue to be famously consistent (despite what some of you heretics might be trying to imply) and that his statements on government's position going into negotiations with Big Oil can be taken very seriously. Using a mystical and arcane divination technique of reading Tarot cards laid out on a Ouija Board placed in the centre of an indian burial ground at midnight, I have come up with the following detailed list of the events which will transpire in the current round of negotiations:

August 10th, 2007: formal negotiations between the government of NL and Big Oil begin again
August 30th, 2007: Danny Williams appears before an investor's luncheon in St. John's to inform them that "we are making some real headway on Hebron" and that a deal is definitely possibly in the works
September 17th, 2007: Premier Williams launches the "official" election campaign of the PC party; appears on the steps of Confederation Building to make a speech, a large portion of which is devoted to assuring us that "the government and Big Oil definitely have some common ground through which a deal will definitely have some chance of eventually forming"
October 7th, 2007: on the eve of the eve of Election Day the government issues a flurry of news releases to inform the public that talks over Hebron have broken new ground thanks to the Premier and that a deal is very likely on the immediate horizon; Premier Williams is praised as a great negotiator who can roll with the big companies in getting the deals
October 9th, 2007: Election Day 2007 happens, the Williams government wins 49 seats; so many people wanted to vote PC they create an extra seat at the last minute so his majority could be larger
October 10th, 2007: Premier Williams announces Big Oil is being totally unreasonable in their demands, negotiations break down and the oil companies are kicked out of the province; the Premier appears atop the steps in the St. John's airport to proclaim "I told you, no more giveaways on my watch!" to cheering throngs of people; Danny Williams is praised as the greatest negotiator in the history of time
November 14th, 2007: Danny Williams pulls a Brian Tobin, cites "quitting while I'm ahead"; Tom Rideout becomes Premier again, replaces Cabot Tower with a giant statue of Danny Williams giving the finger in the direction of Ottawa; Clyde Wells is exiled to St. Helena
October 8th, 2011: Election Day 2011 occurs; the 17 people still living in the province give the Liberals a landslide majority after they promise to negotiate with oil companies rather than the current PC policy of shooting oil executives on sight
October 9th, 2011: Liberals sell province to Exxon Mobil, use the money to get the Upper Churchill back only to sell it away again for less; First Church of Danny Williams opens in Fort MacMurray

Okay, I mean I know I got a little off-track there towards the end but the powers that be could not contain themselves in showing me where the current round of negotiations over Hebron would take us.

And while some of you may doubt my foresight, I am so confident in my predictions that if the following set of events does not come to pass, I will personally ignore this entry and continue on with my life in an attempt to downplay the embarassment of being a debunked psychic though it will fail miserably and I will perish a broken alcoholic in a gutter somewhere down near George Street.

And that's my personal guarantee.

This is Vicodin. It's mine! You can't have any!

2007-08-08T14:52:00.000-02:30

The best VOCM experiences come when you're only half listening and a line out of nowhere catches your attention.

"Does anybody know [...] the status of what Dr. House is doing now in this province or the work he's doing now for our government?"
-Bill Rowe, BackTalk host

Unfortunately I don't have an answer for Bill but I can conclusively say at the very least that it's not Lupus.

And yes, expect it to be this slow here for the next couple of days. Important real-world business to attend to, and the like.

For Science!

2007-08-07T10:15:00.000-02:30

"We need to give the Williams government a full force - not just half a government - but a full force in the next election, just to see what happens."
-Arthur, VOCM caller [emphasis added]

This is the best idea anyone's ever had.

After all, was it not Lord Acton who once said, "Power tends to corrupt, and absolute power means no more giveaways on my watch"?

Yes, that sounds about right.

Fanfare for the Common Man

2007-08-06T14:56:00.000-02:30

I was busy working away on some mysterious and sexy confidential projects when BackTalk comes on and Bill Rowe is voicing his outrage about some backroom worker in the PMO. Specifically, that it is totally unacceptable for some unelected official from Ottawa to level criticism at an elected provincial Premier who represents all of us.

Thank God we have Bill Rowe out there fighting the good fight. How dare some unelected backroom policy wonk from central Canada belittle Danny Williams by making unreasonable demands like "[the Premier] should have his facts straight before being critical [of Harper]." (I'm paraphrasing here, but, that is the gist of it.)

What kind of world do we live in where people not from our province who have never been elected can point out possible flaws in our Premier (validity of their argument or lack thereof notwithstanding)? I'm surprised Bill even mentioned this on the air, such shocking allegations have been scientifically proven to cause the virgin ears of children to bleed uncontrollably. My hands are shaking and my blood has run cold at the mere thought that some punk kid in Ottawa could possibly suggest that Danny Williams would have to stoop to engaging in mundane dealings like needing a rational basis for things he says. I mean, the man was elected.

Bill was right when he said that regardless of political opinions or partisan stripe, Danny Williams is our Premier and he represents us at all times, across the country and internationally. Not only does this mean we essentially must agree with him at all times, but also when someone calls into question his methods or stance or opinion or even his fashion sense they are in fact insulting every Newfoundlander and Labradorian that has ever lived, is living now and ever will live. And that's just unacceptable.

As for Stephen Harper being elected as the Prime Minister of Canada and deserving the same kind of respect as someone we should agree with at all times and never criticise, that doesn't apply to him for several reasons - you can pick your own justification(s):

He broke his promise on the Atlantic Accord and therefore people who work with him can also never be trusted; this is in contrast with Premier Williams, who has never broken a promise, ever
Canada is a foreign country which oppresses Newfoundlanders and sells our children into slavery and so Harper is basically Hitler (their last names even have the same number of letters and both start with 'H'...I mean use your heads here people)
Because Danny said so

As Bill said it's one thing for some random individual to call into Open Line to voice such an opinion but the minute someone expresses it in some medium that is not Open Line or Back Talk or Night Line then I mean you are just pushing that envelope way too far. Especially if that individual is unelected, not from the province, or both. I know it seems like I'm repeating myself alot here but I really can't stress that enough, the audacity of it all is making me physically ill.

I know that sometimes Bill Rowe gets a hard time from some of you guys but I really and honestly do believe that he is right on the issues and that his opinions are the most clever and insightful I have ever heard expressed publicly - he doesn't let this sort of pressing problem slip through the cracks. I mean otherwise all those hacks and/or traitors (I'm looking at you, Liberal Party of Newfoundland and Labrador) would be able to say whatever they want about our Dear Leader and we all know that criticism of the government is just totally egregious for a developed democratic society.

I don't care what all you unbelievers say. Bill Rowe is truly the Voice of the Common Man.

"Were you sent here by the devil?" "No, good sir, I'm on the level!"

2007-08-03T11:02:00.000-02:30

Remember that episode of The Simpsons where Phil Hartman's Lyle Lanley character convinces Springfield to build a faulty monorail as a get-rich-quick scheme? More specifically, remember at the end where he's on the plane that makes a surprise stopover in one of the towns he screwed over with a monorail previously and his plane is stormed by an angry torch-wielding mob?

That is the exact scenario I envisioned when I heard this morning that Prime Minister Stephen Harper would be gracing our fair province to look at the damage caused by the recent post-tropical storm. I'll give him the benefit of the doubt and assume that it was with the intention of getting a damage assessment so as to provide federal assistance in the cleanup efforts in the relatively near future, as opposed to showing up just to laugh derisively at our misfortune in person before flying back to Ottawa for a delicious meal of kittens with a side of toddlers.

As I sit here writing this entry at this exact moment, the Prime Minister is touring Conception Bay North/Placentia/Dunville, flanked by his favourite Newfoundlanders Loyola Hearn and Fabian Manning. I can only hope that Harper will realise that those towns only look that way after being hit by a very rough storm and do not actually appear in states of disrepair constantly. And you know, since's he's pretty insistent we can do without the Atlantic Accord, he might honestly believe it.

Danny Williams, on the other hand, wasn't asked to come along, and is predictably throwing a tantrum like a six-year-old who wasn't invited to a birthday party. I'm not sure why he was expecting an invite, though; last time I checked, children who hate each other don't generally hang out together outside of a very poorly thought out playdate. Lay off going around telling everyone Stephen Harper is the devil and pick him up a nice Transformers action figure, Premier, and maybe you'll get to play with the big boys again.

Not that Harper is in the right here, either. I'm sure his mother must have taught him to invite all the children to his parties, even the unpopular ones who do nothing but complain about the flavour of the cake or the weird smells coming out of the McDonald's ball pit.

But, hey, kids will be kids I guess. We should enjoy it while it lasts; they grow up so fast, the little darlings.

The Rock of the Rock

2007-08-02T17:23:00.000-02:30

I was listening to Open Line yesterday morning and I happened to overhear Premier Williams call in to both express his condolences for yesterday's flooding, and to inform us that Big Oil is talking about having talks to discuss whether or not to have discussions with the province over the possibility of maybe starting negotiations about offshore oil eventually. Maybe. (I'd provide a link, but apparently VOCM does not believe in archiving anything, ever. CBC, for some reason I will never understand, apparently decided that this epic development was not worth chronicling; for shame on those central Canadian imperialists!)

In typical fashion, the Premier reassured Randy Simms and listeners everywhere that he remains as a rock, his position unmoving.

I think this is great. I was really getting worried that we were going to make a deal and develop the oil or something.

No Blood for Waffles

2007-08-01T12:16:00.000-02:30

After waking up to the depressing realization of both the Regatta being cancelled and that my bed had floated out into the hallway, it was refreshing this morning to check up on the news and read about Loyola Hearn announcing that Canada will not be no longer be an international wuss. By picking a fight with Belgium, no less.

I personally applaud the courage that Minister Hearn is showing in standing up to the mighty and tyrannical nation of Belgium. I'm not surprised though; truly, Loyola Hearn is a man who always stands up for what is right and true, no matter how high the stakes or personal cost.

The criteria for targeting Belgium isn't that they provide the fastest route to France, but because they're apparently the first government to legislate a boycott since Canada's "New" Government took power. Frankly I can't say I blame them all that much; I'd boycott someone who kept Harping (see what I did there?) on being new after a year and a half, too.

Personally, though, if I were a federal government Minister (feel free to email me with job offers, Mr. Harper), I would be picking my fight with Germany on this one, both because the hypocrisy factor is a good card to play and because it would allow MP Scott Simms to make another Bambi joke. Then again, it probably makes sense that Loyola would want to avoid anything even remotely involving hyprocrisy for the rest of his life. (PROTIP: This should include being a politician)

Interestingly enough all of this comes on the heels of the US House of Representatives apparently developing a time machine to go back to the 1980s and declare their disdain for the clubbing of baby seals when it was still relevant (Yuri Andropov, so far, has been unavailable for comment). I would normally wonder how the most developed nation on earth would be unaware of decades-old international developments, but this is the same place which recently found the Internet not to be a "big truck", as previously assumed, but in fact a series of tubes. Excuse me for a second while I change the batteries on my internets here.

While I myself do think that Europe in general is going a little over the top in boycotting over a practice which stopped decades ago, I can't help but feel that Loyola picking a fight with Belgium right now is less about purely defending the Canadian seal hunt and moreso about shoring up some support down here in his home province. If there is anything Newfoundlanders and Labradorians love more than hating on Ottawa, it would have to be hating on pretentious Europeans. When held up to the waffle-makers across the pond, even wafflers like Loyola Hearn almost look like they've still got an air of legitimacy.

Now if you'll excuse me, all of this talk about waffles and clubbing baby seals has made me hungry. For veal.

A Tale of Two 'Sities

2007-07-31T09:56:00.000-02:30

There would appear to be much ado currently in this province concerning the question of whether or not Grenfell College in Corner Brook should throw off the shackles of Townie opression and embrace its own destiny as Newfoundland and Labrador's second full-fledged university. And of course, like everything else in this province from routine municipal construction to recreational fishing, this debate has become a polarising political issue.

Fortunately for the general public what would otherwise be a very boring debate by academics and the people who sign their paychecks, we're treated to an epic rap battle (a war of words is old school) by two of the province's more prominent trash-talkers - Premier Daniel "Da Maniel" Williams who is reppin' for his West Side crew at Grenfell and Memorial Chancellor John "My Press Releases Contain Way Too Many Words" Crosbie, rockin' the mic in the East Side and ballin' with his MUN Board of Regents homeboys. (And yes, that does create the most awkward mental image ever but none of you can say you wouldn't pay to see the concert.)

The main argument between Tupac and Biggie can essentially be boiled down to Williams, on one side, pushing a separate university in Corner Brook on the grounds of the province having the ability/need to expand its post-secondary services in the interest of generating growth in the ~~buzzword-based~~"knowledge-based" economy (possibly on a "go-forward basis"), whereas Crosbie is arguing that the status quo is not only perfectly fine but the only option that is actually feasible given a tiny population and anything suggested to the contrary is a pox upon the earth.

While there would be some who might suggest that Grand Master Flash and Flava Flav here might have ulterior motives for the stances they're taking, I would like to remind everyone that these two men surely only have the best wishes of the province at heart and would never have self-interested reasons for their positions such as promoting goodies to their constituencies in lieu of an upcoming election or grasping to maintain the godlike power of monopoly. (FUN FACT: Politicians, thanks to centuries of selective breeding, are physically incapable of putting themselves ahead of the people they are supposed to represent.)

There is some merit to both arguments, however. More universities would provide more physical space for young minds to become educated and contribute to a society increasingly based on holding graduate degrees in cultural studies as opposed to actually knowing how to do anything remotely constructive, and smaller universities that Grenfell U would conceivably resemble have fared well elsewhere in the country - also, college kids in this province drink like fish and provincial coffers would likely flood with the liquid gold of a thousand keggers.

On the other hand, Memorial is so far serving the province well as the largest university in Atlantic Canada. This province has the second-lowest tuition rates in Canada (second only to Quebec, which I'm sure will someday be brought up by a Newfoundland Nationalist as yet another example of how the frogs are trying to undermine our glorious nation) and the cost of living in the St. John's area is likely also one of the lowest in Canada, especially in terms of university towns.

Somehow I'm not convinced that putting a second university in the province offering comparable degrees and costs will do anything to stem the outflow of students in this province who still decide to zoom out to another province and drop $12K a year in tuition for [roughly] the same education offered inside the overpass for a fraction of that cost. Perhaps a better use of the money it would cost to make Grenfell University happen would be a program to teach children (possibly also government) the value of money; we might even get teenagers to stop spending 150 dollars on those godawful pairs of pre-torn jeans they keep buying while we're at it, too.

Besides, needs-based grants to cover the cost of tuition is a much better idea to improve the post-secondary education standing of the province which someone should probably look into but oh god help it's a quasi-socialist idea

At the end of the day, at any rate, I've got to come down on the side of the one-university idea. That said, I don't exactly share Crosbie's view that "MUN as-is is A-OK!", because I think there are too many things that need to be ironed out with the current public post-secondary education system we have in this province before we should really be thinking "hay guys lets build another one!"

But getting into that is a whole other can of worms I don't feel like opening because then I'd probably get to talking about the fishery and in this province nothing good ever seems to come of that.

In fact, I'd almost rather listen to a white rap battle.

Cage Match: Twilly

2007-07-29T23:07:00.000-02:30

I realise that I'm a bit behind on the times as it were but unfortunately I was away for the last few days at an important conference on the mainland dealing with the outrageous prices of extra dry gin martinis, and as you can imagine, such important deliberations kept me from being able to weigh in on some of the recent events transpiring back on the home front.

It would appear that the first head-to-head of the 2007 election between Danny "Goliath" Williams and Gerry "Job, the righteous Biblical figure God felt the need to repeatedly punish for ambiguous reasons" Reid took place last Thursday.

Now to be fair, it is understandable that the Premier would want to attend a folk festival that involved not only fun but also fish; truly, no sane man can resist such a double-whammy of a siren song. Unfortunately for Mr. Williams this cornucopia of good times happened to be occurring in his opponent's home riding, and it would appear that Mr. Reid also apparently could not contain his enthusiasm for local folk festivals. Despite a lack of neuroticism on Reid's part, the setup seems to be very Seinfeld-esque, and likely even had [G]erry clenching his fist and uttering ~~"Newman!"~~"Williams!" to his steering wheel.

In typical Dan-the-Man style, the Premier was fairly brazen about his intentions in visiting the festival the same time as Reid; the PCs are apparently putting in a special effort to unseat the Opposition leader in the upcoming election. One would assume that simply by running a candidate against him in the area it would provide a good race, but Williams seems very intent on making it personal. As in, crazy ex-girlfriend personal. One would figure two politicians with an axe to grind would at least make an effort to be condescending and out-smug one another with faux smiles and snarky well-wishes, but the visual of the two of them taking the stage without so much as a handshake seems to prop up the "trouble in Paradise" situation. Apparently this is what happens when politicians let the next day "get weird".

Cathartic breakup analogies aside, though, this snapshot of the campaign-to-be would suggest interesting implications for the race to October 9th. I'm going to go ahead and make a point of coining the phrase vendetta politics in describing electioneering which seems to take the political conflict beyond the professional and into personal-rivalry territory.

I mean, yes, obviously the Leader of Government and the Leader of the Opposition will not be best friends who go on hikes together only to be faced with some kind of random adversity which they triumph over and subsequently come out learning more about themselves and each other (with plenty of laughs along the way!), but it does seem to move the election campaign out of the "no hard feelings, this is politics" realm into the "I will crush your dreams" area, and I can't help but feel that sets an ominous precendent.

There have been rumours circulating on message boards and Open Line that the PCs are aiming to/will sweep every seat or otherwise leave Yvonne Jones to fend for herself against a 47-seat Williams Government, and Danny's insistence in personally stepping on Reid's turf would seem to reinforce this vague feeling that the PCs are aiming to go beyond just winning government and moreso trying to actually eliminate the Opposition from the face of God's green earth.

I don't know about anyone else, but for me at least this isn't doing much to lend credence to every PC candidate coming on Open Line and assuring us that everyone in the House contributes to the decisions government makes and it isn't just Danny calling all the shots in authoritarian fashion. Although, I suppose, one-party government does cut out all that time-wasting "democratic accountability" stuff. Who needs that anyways? There are roads that need paving, dammit.

Although, now that I think about it, I can't shake an image of Danny standing up at a town hall meeting, snatching back a contract for roadwork from the local townsfolk and barking, "No soup for you!"

Suzuki Gored by Wells

2007-07-26T18:01:00.000-02:30

St. John's mayor Andy Wells stepped up his fight against annoyingly smug environmentalists recently by taking a firm stance on pesticides; specifically, that pesticides are awesome and DDT will save sub-Saharan Africa.

Frankly I think this comes as a breath of fresh air. David Suzuki is an environmentalist, not a chemist. Obviously he has no idea how pesticides (which I might add are chemicals, not environments) work and anything he says on the topic is basically junk science because it's out of his expertise and he's basically just making things up. As for Al Gore, he doesn't even live in this country, let alone this province. Taking his word on anything is pretty much treason, any way you cut it.

Wells should also be congratulated for reminding us of the last time society got all up in arms about pesticides and the damage it caused. Remember DDT? Yeah, while society was patting itself on the back for saving some eggshells by banning DDT we were actually killing black people. And for what? Because it might be harmful?

Well I'll give you the what for: This Wikipedia article states, and I quote:

The EPA, in 1987 , classified DDT as class B2, a probable human carcinogen based on "Observation of tumors (generally of the liver) in seven studies in various mouse strains and three studies in rats.

You see? Probable. Somehow, pseudoscientists like David Suzuki concluded that people might get cancer based on the deaths of some rats, and even then they can't even say anything with full certainty. Plus, that information comes from Wikipedia, which is totally untrustworthy in every conceivable way and in light of that we can safely say DDT probably doesn't cause cancer at any time to anyone ever. Case closed.

It's shocking to see how many people apparently believe scientists like David Suzuki over politicians like Andy Wells. And it's not even like this is Wells' first term. The man has been consistently re-elected to the office of mayor as far back as anyone who matters can remember. Clearly, if he was unfit for the job or wrong in any conceivable way he wouldn't keep getting re-elected, because that sort of thing never happens. Right?

No relation to the capitol of North Carolina

2007-07-26T14:25:00.000-02:30

For a really long time, I thought there was no real presence of Newfoundland and Labrador political writers here in this crazy place we call the blogosphere.

Then I found this thing called Google and used it to search the whole entire internet and boy, was I wrong!

Clearly, then, I must throw my hat into the ring. Look out, you Confederation/Parliament Building fat cats; the internet, like the sea, is a harsh mistress and her thirst to mock politics anonymously and passive-aggressively has too long gone unslaked in this province.

Consider this a heads up. Next time I strike, it will be like NAPE and pretty much come out of nowhere and ruin government's day.

And maybe even stop schoolbuses or something.