The Urban Candidates of 2008: A Field Guide

Elections are tough times for the committed voter. That single vote you can cast on October 14th is your only way to let your political overlords know how you feel, and it's an integral part of a functioning democracy that this vote is cast based on in-depth research and intense spiritual agonising over which candidate to support.

That said, doing your civic duty is extremely hard, especially in situations where none of the candidates are especially appealing and complicated issues like environmental sustainability and the economy dominate most political debates.

For times like these, the best idea is usually to let someone else do all the research for you and then tell you how to vote. Residents of St. John's/Mount Pearl, I am here to help you with just that.

So after weeks of painstaking research into the candidates vying to represent the urban portion of the Avalon, I have crafted such a perfect guide to this election that to simply look upon it may physically be too much for small children and the elderly.

Without further ado, here is the only information source you will ever need to consult before heading into the ballot box on Tuesday morning.

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ST. JOHN'S SOUTH-MOUNT PEARL

Siobhan Coady (L) - an ardent believer that "third time's the charm" is more than just folksy wisdom, perennial Liberal candidate Siobhan Coady is again running for a federal seat in the hopes that during an election where the premier of the province is actively registering third parties with Elections Canada in order to defeat her Conservative opponent, she may finally have a shot. Not that Siobhan is especially unqualified - she has smashed through a few notable glass ceilings in her business career, which is no small feat - and while she wouldn't necessarily make a bad MP, voters in the riding have consistently shown they have trouble swallowing the Siobhan Coady package. While there are a number of valid arguments against voting Liberal in this election, I can say without a shadow of a doubt that Siobhan's main issue in this campaign is herself.

Shaking hands with Siobhan Coady is like shaking hands with the captain of the team who you just beat at soccer in 5th grade - he's smiling and saying "great game" but you know in the back of your mind that it's so tremendously insincere that it comes off as grating. This is Siobhan Coady's problem - she's so firmly trapped in the Uncanny Valley that every time she reminds you that she will "never give up, never give in" and flashes that insidious little smile, you can't help but feel like 'Rowdy' Roddy Piper in They Live after he finds the magic sunglasses. If you get that reference, congratulations, you've got as bad a taste in movies as I do.

Merv Wiseman (C) - Merv Wiseman is the only candidate running in this election that I have absolutely nothing to say about. That's how much I know about Merv Wiseman. Presumably, this is reflective of how hard Merv Wiseman is trying to win this election.

Ryan Cleary (NDP) - when I first heard that Ryan Cleary was running in Mount Pearl for the NDP I was honestly intrigued, although I brushed it off with "he's far too abrasive, he'll never win the nomination." Then a cohort of mine who attended the nomination informed me that Cleary delivered a passionate speech that sealed his nomination and I thought "my God, he might have a chance." I hadn't heard Cleary speak since the Trust and Confidence Rally in 2007 at Confederation Building where he delivered a heartfelt polemic on the injustices facing Newfoundland within our union with Canada that was so intense I almost felt my heartstrings flutter; considering that his main competition is a woman whose speeches sound more contrived and superficial than the dialogue you'd see on Springer, I figured that Ryan Cleary may legitimately find himself with a real job.

This is before Ryan Cleary was forced into a crash-diet of nothing but his own words right from the beginning of the election, and now he seems so intellectually malnourished that his only talking points on the campaign trail are lame protests against the Green Shift and quasi-incomprehensible monologues about his new-found love for Jack Layton that usually sound as if they're being delivered by a Will Farrell character. The only way to describe Cleary's entire campaign so far is "half-assed", which is disappointing because while I don't care for Cleary himself I know he's capable of doing a much better job. If I was Ivan Morgan, I'd put down the Purity biscuits and start cracking the whip at this point, because as far as I've seen there is no legitimate reason to vote for Ryan Cleary.

Ted Warren (Green) - Ted Warren is the best candidate in this riding by a long shot, and probably one of the best candidates running in the province. But you've never heard of him and you're not going to vote for him, so the fact that Mr. Warren is one of the most brilliant and eloquent minds I've seen run in politics for years is completely moot.

Greg Byrne (NL First) - ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

ST. JOHN'S EAST

Walter Noel (L) - Walter Noel blows. If I were a Liberal in St. John's East I'd be tempted to hang myself if Walter wasn't so cartoonishly terrible he looped around and became hilarious. There are no questions directed at Walter Noel that don't end with him giving long winded explanations about why spending 8,000$ of public money on alcohol is completely justified because "there was no law against it at the time", and his only pet cause in this election is seeing to it that a 92$ million dollar tunnel is built to an island with a population of 200 that hasn't seen the creation of a single new job since Joseph R. Smallwood stalked the corridors of Confederation Building. On the rare occasion that Walter Noel is asked about something other than his personal flaws he usually responds by reading a few pages out of the Liberal platform book and then rambling on about how the Liberal Party of Canada is the only way to stop the NDP's stealth communism and that Jack Harris is a crook. Considering that Walter Noel looks and sounds like a '50s newscaster was molested by a Dick Tracy villain voiced by Skeletor from He-Man this doesn't even seem that out of place. Walter Noel really, really sucks.

And yet, he was still a better choice than Debbie Hanlon.

Craig Westcott (C) - you can live to see the days where the sun shall be darkened and the powers of the heavens shall be shaken loose, and I can guarantee you that you will never see someone look as uncomfortable running in a federal election as Craig Westcott. When asked to explain why his party holds policies even the Golden Horde would balk at he will usually mumble a few lines from Conservative briefing notes into the nearest mic, and the entire time Stockwell Day was giving a press conference about the need to crack down on young offenders in order to stop a coming epidemic of gang violence in outport Newfoundland Westcott looked more uncomfortable than the Premier did in whatever garbage luxury car he owned before he traded up to his current 250,000$ Maserati. He's not a conservative by any stretch of the imagination but no amount of prefacing his public appearances with "I disagree with my party over everything they stand for" can erase that not-entirely-unfounded sensation we all have that at the first opportunity his leader will drive the nation headlong into a reactionary dystopia.

But it's important to bear in mind that Westcott's not running for Stephen Harper; he's moreso running against the ABC campaign and its mastermind, Premier Danny Williams. Westcott has been the Holmes to Williams' Moriarty more than enough in the past for his candidacy to take on an almost cinematic feeling, especially since all of Westcott's public statements make a point of highlighting that his candidacy hearkens back to the battles of the National Convention in the 1940s. Stephen Harper is - regardless of whether or not it's a good thing - about to win another (probably majority) government, and if we elect to follow the pied piper of the ABC campaign through this storm, the province will be shutting itself out of having any representation in the cabinet of a federal government that already disdains Atlantic Canada. Considering that the alternative is that we'll be left at the beck and call of a comically inept provincial government here in Danny Williams' Hermit Kingdom, Westcott's pleas for us to swallow our revulsion at Harper's regressive policies in order to get a seat at the control panel of government before we end up like Quebec in 1995 shouldn't be discarded out of hand.

I'd go on but I can't bring myself to explicitly endorse a Conservative, even if he does occasionally sign my paycheques.

Jack Harris (NDP) - Jack Harris is really the only "good" candidate running in the city in this election. I say "good" because he has everything going for him you'd expect to find amongst anyone running for a major federal party. While he may not be quite as sharp on resource economics and concrete policy issues as someone like Craig Westcott, he also doesn't look visibly uncomfortable whenever he has to tow the party line. While he may not have quite the same level of money backing him like Siobhan Coady, he is also able to interact with his constituents in a non-robotic manner. And while he may not have the same level of executive experience as someone like Walter Noel, he also isn't scum.

In fact, the only real problem I can see with Jack Harris' campaign is that he's such a good candidate for his party and his riding and that his election is such a shoe in that it's boring. There's nothing interesting or noteworthy about Jack Harris, his campaign, or anything he'd do in the House of Commons. This is probably great for most people, but I'll be deep down in the cold, cold ground before I vote for someone sensible.

Howard Story (Green) - Much like his counterpart in St. John's South/Mount Pearl, Howard Story is a great guy with brilliant ideas and pointed conviction about the environment and systemic problems that none of the other candidates or parties seem to be taking much note of. But unfortunately for him his party is relegated even further back in the depths of leftist irrelevency than the NDP in the minds of most Newfoundlanders, so there's little point even discussing him. If nothing else, fans of Lost will appreciate him for his uncanny resemblance to popular anti-hero John Locke; if I may hand him some helpful advice via the internet it would be to start talking about how important it is to do whatever it takes to "save the Island."

Les Coltas (NL First) - his grammer are good!

Shannon Tobin (PC) - I have nothing bad to say about Shannon Tobin. He's the little candidate that could; he's a twenty-something fresh out of university who has too little experience to grasp basic policy issues, let alone the complex economic development issues (i.e. the Lower Churchill) that he's crusading for. He's got no district association and his federal party is only running a handful of candidates across the country, most of them are older than Tobin by half a century. His entire campaign is to appeal to the disaffected elderly who have been writing "Joe Clark" on their ballots since 2004 and who will live and die by the letters "ABC." He goes to public functions up against professional business people, journalists and politicians who have more years of experience being knowledgeable public figures than he's physically spent being alive, but he doesn't lose his nerve and he'll quote historical figures like Edmund Burke and Peter Cashin and spew Danny Williams' talking points like the best of provincial cabinet ministers. Say what you will, this kid has balls.

Shannon Tobin is running in the 2008 federal election powered only by his love of Newfoundland and Labrador, and by proxy its Glorious Premier Danny Williams. If you don't vote for Shannon Tobin, you hate Danny Williams. I hope everyone keeps that in mind this election day.
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So as we move through the next 12 days before the day where you make your monumental decision to give a federal party 1.75$, I hope you'll consider my expert analysis and general words of wisdom about the candidates vying to represent you, the urban Newfoundlander, in Parliament for the next 4 years. Unlike Danny Williams, I won't tell you how to vote; all I will say is that I wish the Conservatives would drop this talking point because it's the dumbest thing in the world and that "not telling you how to vote" would invalidate the entire premise of campaigning and make this whole election an exercise in foolishness.

Huh.

Rumour Milling 2: Mill Harder

I have it on extremely good authority that today at a luncheon in Holyrood Premier Danny Williams will formally endorse Liberal candidate Scott Andrews as he ramps up his ABC campaign against Fabian Manning in the Avalon riding.

And by extremely good sources, I mean straight from the horse's mouth.

Keep your eyes open today, the "battleground" riding of Avalon is suddenly going to start looking more like a Cold War-esque war of proximity.

Rejected ABC Campaign Ad #590

Reason: Not sufficiently proud, strong, or determined.

Rumour Milling

There's nothing like a good election hey? It's been so long since we had to go to the polls to give a personally abhorrent conservative another term of being drunk with power behind the machinery of the State that I was almost starting to go through withdrawal.

Also, I really just wanted and excuse to put up a placeholder post here to replace that poorly thought out John McCain sight gag from July.

Sabbaticals are rough, let me tell you.

But in the meantime, I'd just like to throw out an unsubstantiated rumour relayed to me by a confidante who made the questionable life decision of being involved with the New Democrats: namely, that Ryan Cleary's campaign manager (or similarly frivolous position) is none other than my good friend Ivan Morgan! I have no idea if this is true but I really hope that it is - if only so that Cleary's coffers will be filled with complimentary Purity pastries.

Feel free to spread that rumour around anyways - there's nothing like a good self-fulfilling prophecy.

I, dwarf

As usual, Ed Hollett is quicker than yours truly on actually putting things on the internet with real relevance and import to things that matter.

But anything related to Ray Guy bears repeating, naturally.

It is always good form to pay occasional homage to the giants upon whose shoulders we stand.

We Are (not) Devo!

The Order of Canada is the centrepiece of Canada’s honours system and recognizes a lifetime of outstanding achievement, dedication to the community and service to the nation. The Order recognizes people in all sectors of Canadian society. Their contributions are-

OH HEY LOOK EVERYONE, NORMAN DOYLE IS HERE

LOOKS LIKE HE'S BROUGHT OPINIONS

Just for argument's sake, sir, let's imagine for a second that abortion isn't a hot-button issue for millions of Canadians who define themselves and their political identities entirely around opposition to the subject. Let's also imagine that federal elections are not decided by single-issue swing voters who put the issue of abortion above every other issue facing Canadians every day.

I trust this shouldn't be very hard.

No, let's get right down to the utmost basic flaw that permeates every discussion of abortion (and a host of other issues) that has ever taken place all across recorded history.

Are we not men, Mr. Doyle?

Could be possible that - maybe, just maybe - the fact that we are physiologically precluded from ever experiencing an unwanted pregnancy, and any of the accompanying issues, mean that the issue of abortion is entirely a woman's issue?

Could it be that regardless of our respective opinions on abortion, whether "pro-life" or "pro-choice", and no matter the validity of our points, we should both butt out of the discussion because it is fundamentally not our issue, and never will be our issue, in any way, shape, or form save the very periphery of a woman's consideration?

Dr. Henry Morgentaler did not dedicate his life to pontificating on the glories of abortions, nor did he dedicate his life attempting to subvert the moral fabric of Canadian society in an effort to increase 'business' in some nebulous abortion 'industry.' Dr. Morgentaler was simply the most vocal actor for the only real role any man has to play in the issue of abortion - that it should be left entirely up to women, the only people on earth even physically capable of having an abortion, to safely and legally choose what they want to do with their bodies.

Frankly, the only controversy that should be surrounding Dr. Morgentaler's induction into the Order of Canada is why it took so long to happen.

This is not your war, Mr. Doyle. It's not mine, and it's not Patrick Hanlon's; it is not the field of anyone who produces sperm. It is for women - and only women - to decide, for or against, "life" or "choice", and this is understood by anyone who isn't trapped inside an intellectual prison of latent sexism and regressive social attitudes.

Kindly get out of politics, sir. You - and all men like you - are an embarrassment to your constituents and an affront to any Canadian with a working moral compass.

The Richard Raleigh Spin/Approval Matrix

Apparently, according to a local political scientist, Tom Rideout's exodus from politics won't hurt Danny Williams politically.

Fascinating.

All the real political scientists at MUN must have been out on summer vacation or writing some esoteric journal articles they could later tout smugly at academic conferences, because Mr. Temelini doesn't really seem to have any deep or poignant insight to offer on the topic.

To anyone who has been paying attention to provincial politics since 2005, this development isn't really a surprise; if the findings of the Cameron Inquiry didn't make the Premier's approval rating falter on its ascension to 90+, then his cartoonishly villainous attempts to discredit the process probably should have. Naturally, of course, this didn't happen, because that would make sense, and this is Newfoundland and Labrador.

This leaves us with only one reasonable thought on the topic: if none of this will hurt the Premier's poll ratings, what will?

Allow me to soothe all your curiousities - in harkening back to the skills I learned as a young, wide-eyed and idealistic political science undergraduate, I have constructed this handy reference list. These conclusions are highly scientific so feel free to cite them in casual or professional conversation, as the knowledge they imparts will make you the envy of your friends and co-workers!

THE RICHARD RALEIGH SPIN/APPROVAL MATRIX

SCANDAL: Danny Williams steals candy from small child and/or infant
EFFECT: Child spun as to be from the mainland and the candy was Purity brand, Premier seen as standing up to the feds and getting 'our fair share', approval rating +2%

SCANDAL: Danny Williams crosses floor at the House of Assembly, punches out Roland Butler
EFFECT: Premier seen across the province as "total badass", young children abandon backyard wrestling to re-enact Question Period thus creating new generation of career politicians, clip appears on YouTube overdubbed with the solo from Metallica's "One"; approval rating goes to 99%

SCANDAL: Danny Williams revealed to worship Satan and perform ritual human sacrifice
EFFECT: Premier uses dark magicks to erase the memories of everyone in the province like an arcane version of the flashing stick in Men In Black, approval rating still goes up 1%

SCANDAL: Danny Williams' Viper runs red light, kills cyclist
EFFECT: Running red light spun as the Premier always working on a go-forward basis for the people of this province, killing a cyclist with luxury car spun as not allowing development of properous oil industry to be hampered by burdensome environmental regulations; approval +6%

SCANDAL: Danny Williams involved in sex scandal with subordinate(s)
EFFECT: Approval ratings increase in accordance to how public ranks the woman in question on a scale of 1-10; an increase of at least 8% is assumed

SCANDAL: John Efford becomes leader of the Liberals
EFFECT: Premier's approval ratings drop drastically as people realise Efford would be a greahahahahahaha I can't even finish this sentence
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Rick Hillier, if you're reading this, yes, I am interested in becoming the new head of Memorial's political science department, thank you for asking!