True Grit

Well, it's official - Gerry Reid has stepped down as leader of the Liberal Party. I'm sure there is a joke in here about Mr. Negativity saying "no" to keeping his job, but since we're all conservatives now post-October 9th I'm sure you can pull yourselves up by your bootstraps and make it yourselves.

This shouldn't come as a surprising development for anyone, of course - it was painfully obvious watching the man over the past year that he didn't want the job of Opposition Leader. And who could blame him? Personally, I wouldn't want to meet the man who was eager to play the part of Judas in what is very much Danny Williams' passion play. That, and his decision to step down should have been obvious to anyone who heard his concession speech, during which his emotional display ranged somewhere between "winning the lottery" and "holding your child for the first time."

Speaking of passion plays, the Premier, in his infinite mercy and compassion, doled out praise for Reid in his performance as the Moriarty to his Holmes; apparently underneath the vendetta politics and accusations of being a totally incompetent, ineffective and useless Opposition Leader who would destroy the province if elected Premier, there were actually no hard feelings on Danny's side of things and Reid really wasn't as bad as previously depicted. If I hadn't decided at twelve that the only appropriate emotional response to my first breakup was to become cold, detached and dead inside, this display of hypocrisynon-partisan goodwill would bring a tear to my eye.

Reid's accomplishments (or lack thereof, depending on your political orientation) as Opposition Leader aside, his decision to step down is a pretty intelligent one. Personally, as alluded to, it not only allows him to be done with the thankless job of criticizing the most popular Premier since Joey, but also to finally enjoy the pension that is the raison d'etre for most of the PC backbenchers elected a month ago.

That said, the downside to Gerry Reid throwing in the towel is that this allows the rest of the old guard to step into the ring again for another shot at getting the blood money entitled to Judas. Not surprisingly, John Efford is still jumping at the opportunity for moresome public attention, and though there isn't much discussion about it in the press, Danny Dumaresque's appetite for power and glory isn't exactly a secret. I would honestly be less surprised to learn that these men are actually in the employ of the PCs to try and keep the Liberals down rather than genuinely trying to make the party work.

And therein lies the true brilliance of Gerry Reid's curtain call - say what you will about him, but he's not stupid. The "New Liberalism" theme was thrown around alot on the campaign trail, but in the end it was little more than a cheap air freshener hanging from the rearview mirror of a campaign bus reeking something fierce; Reid is fully aware of this, and is equally aware of the fact that no one in this province will want to ride the Liberal bus come next election if they try to cover that stench with a few spurts of Febreeze.

No, the only way the Liberals will get rid of that smell is to take out the trash once and for all.

Rumours of my demise have been greatly exaggerated

The clock was flashing 12:00 incessantly; he hadn't bothered to reprogram the time since the last time the power flickered, but it didn't stop him from instinctively looking towards it every morning. Groaning, he rolled over and sat up in his bed, only to immediately fall backwards again as a flash of pain seared just behind his eyes. Another day, and another vicious hangover. He knew it was the only way his body could communicate "CEASE AND DESIST" to him but he shrugged it off as he did any other day. Whatever doesn't kill me can only make me stronger, he thought to himself as he stood up out of bed, and wondered if that saying had ever been true for anyone in any situation.

He lurched out into the kitchen and squinted at the floor, averting his eyes from the rays of sunlight that cut through the room like blades. He flailed his arms blindly at the curtains in an attempt to get them shut, but the curtains relented until the curtain rod itself snapped in half and the whole fixture fell into the kitchen sink. He sighed, unsurprised. Abject failure was not a new sensation for him. He poured a pot of water into his coffee machine, and tore another page off his 365 DAYS OF GARFIELD calender. November ninth.

Had it really been a month? The fruition of a month of seeing the city dyed in blue with the occasional red or orange highlight, CBC's news anchors feigning surprise when announcing the Tory majority after 20 minutes, the happiest speech of Gerry Reid's career as Liberal leader, the coronation of the new Caesar in the Fairmont's open bar, all of that happened a month ago? That night seemed to have happened in both the immediate past and some ancient, primordial memory only dimly recalled when smelling homemade bread or that perfume your highschool sweetheart used to wear. He raised a cup of black coffee to his lips and sighed again, thinking yes, that certainly was an election all right.

He walked into the living room and looked over to the corner at his computer, its hard drive whining at him under the strain of a thousand different trojans and spyware programs because he refused to upgrade from Windows 98. Slurping loudly on his coffee, his thoughts returned to his neglected corner of cyberspace, buried under the weight of a thousand documents that needed immediate attention and an overpowering sense of political nihilism. What was the point? Luther could nail 95 Theses of Local Politics to the doors of the Confederation Building and it wouldn't make a lick of difference to anyone except that he'd be blacklisted from working in the civil service; an unread blog certainly wouldn't fare any better, even if time and workload permitted it.

He shrugged the thought off and sat down in front of his computer and cracked his knuckles. Might as well get some work done, then. As he opened up his inbox to check for new email, he noticed an advertisement at the top of the page and immediately spit out his coffee. He blinked and rubbed his eyes. No, it was real. He leaned back in his chair and raised an eyebrow contemplatively.



He thought for a moment at the inanity of it all, and took another sip of coffee. You know, he thought, maybe there is a need for Richard Raleigh after all.

Election 2007 Primer: What You Need To Know

As you all know, tomorrow is finally time to cast our votes and have all the politicians shut up and go back to ignoring us for another four years. In light of this, I felt it was necessary to give this brief reminder that there is a key issue in this election that no one has yet touched upon.

You could even say that it could be the deciding factor for where we should be casting our ballots tomorrow.

If you're still in any way undecided about tomorrow, of if you're harbouring any lingering doubts about the candidate to whom you've tentatively pledged your vote, just remember this:

You can't spell Danny Williams without Slimy Anal Wind.

Someone once said that all of life's wisdom can be revealed through anagrams, for anagrams never lie.

Think about that on your way to the polling booth tomorrow.

In the meantime, I shall see you all tomorrow evening once we've passed through the veil into a brave new world that will likely resemble the one we've got now except the Premier will probably take a few more seats, unless something magical happens and the Liberals take those 6-12 seats that some people have been whispering about.

Until then, of course, may the best men, women, and, in a couple cases around the metro region, children, win. Regardless of what happens, here is to another four years of hilariously absurd governance in Newfoundland and Labrador!

Time Keeps on Slipping

Yes I know what you're thinking - a political blog in the midst of an election that never updates is a pretty pathetic thing. And I will agree with you, although in my defence apparently working in politics means you get really busy with real life job-related things during election season as opposed to yelling about things on the internet, and also I may or may not have met a wonderful woman who is making it very difficult for me to be a bitter, broken shell of a man online. I'm kind of bitter about that aspect, though, so maybe this cycle will sort of work itself out later.

Anyways fortunately enough this election has been really bizarre in the sense that not a whole lot of noteworthy events have really been constantly happening but the things that have made the news are just short of scriptedly-absurd. I mean, we haven't quite reached the "Dick Cheney shoots a man in the face" level of just-add-water political satire but my God we can't be far off. Personally I was hopingexpecting poor Gerry Reid to haul off and punch the Premier in the face during the debate but that is another story entirely.

So, since I have been unfortunately absent from the internet for too long so far I'm going to attempt and cover my bases by providing the Reader's Digest Condensed NL Election Campaign 2007 Lexicon And Run-On Sentence Extravaganza! I hope you like rehashed 2-week old jokes because that is what you're all in for!

And so, without further ado:

1. Leader's Debate 2007 or How Fred Hutton learned to stop trying to keep order and just kind of roll with it
I am not even able to exaggerate when I write the following sentence: that was the worst hour of television I have ever experienced in my life. It was painful. But it wasn't painful in any sort of partisan sense - every leader's performance was cringe-worthy in its own special way. Lorraine Michaels looked like she was doped up full of Vicodin or something, and in between trying to feign excitement for possibly running 37 whole candidates in the election and uttering the phrase "well, I don't really know if we'd do a better job than the Liberals" I kind of hope she was really high or something, because if not then that party is in much harder shape than originally thought.

Meanwhile, poor Gerry Reid sounded like he was jonesing something awful the whole time, and while he managed to drop a few ice burns on Danny Williams ("You haven't done anything for rural Newfoundland and you know it!" and "Well, I'd like to comment on the MOU but that would require the Premier to have released some details about it to the public" were some of the more memorable ones) they were lost when he and the Premier engaged in a shouting match reminiscent of a bad divorce.

Speaking of the Premier, I really hope someone sent him a memo regarding posture. I mean, I understand that his slouching in over the podium was probably meant to send the message that Danny Williams is a pretty cool guy you could just go grab a beer with and it would be all casual-like but instead he just looked incredibly smug. Like, the kind of smug that you only get from your six-year-old nephew who willfully destroys your old and incredibly valuable baseball cards but you're the only one who sees him and so his mother yells at you for being some kind of monster for daring to suggest that her little angel could do something and while she's busy hauling him away muttering about how this is why you will die friendless and alone he gives you this look like he knows that he can get away with whatever he wants without suffering any negative consequences - that was the attitude the Premier had throughout that entire debate.

To make a long story short, I guess, I'd rather read a Dan Brown novel than sit through that debate again. Yes, it really was that bad.

2. Danny Williams is such a nice guy he'll give you a thousand dollars to have unprotected sex!

This has been beaten to death but really it is worth mentioning again as it is one of the worst ideas ever. I mean this is a terrible idea on tons of levels, but even if you skip over the fact that this is only appealing to people in situations of endemic poverty who are all out of options, or the fact that these birth bribes as a method of population growth didn't even work for the Nazis, you're still left with the fundamental problem of not having enough jobs for their parents or even the children whenever they grow up. The best way to keep people in the province is probably to create jobs or something like that but hey we got that MOU so construction on the eighty thousand oil rigs are going to start in the fall, right?

All this aside, if there are any attractive ladies out there in internetland feel free to drop me a line and go halfs on a baby or something, because I could totally go for 500 free dollars.

3. "What health care crisis? ...oh, shi-"

As someone all too familiar with Grand Falls I probably found it a lot funnier than I should have that it would be the site of one of Williams' more amusing moments of the election, but the image of Danny saying "You can't be serious" when told just how bad the hospital situation will forever be etched in my mind. It leaves almost a little hope that maybe Danny really is up there doing his best and his ministers are actually hiding this stuff from him so he doesn't look bad, but then you remember that even if that was the case instead of the Punch-and-Judy puppetshow that is the Williams administration then its still pretty sad that the premier would be so clueless as to the state of the healthcare system to be pretty shocked by actually going to a hospital beyond the overpass. What was it he said about St. John's being neglected? Also, saying that the hospital will be standing in line with deteriorating schools and roads was a nice touch too. That's cool, I'd rather die from lupus while being treated for the flu than hit a pothole, too.

Of course, there is a lot left to the election (read: 8 days) and ideally I will be able to cover things as they develop rather than assault the English language and break your scroll button every other week so we will see how it goes. Things you can expect to be on the agenda of business which could be considered serious:
- Election Predictions 2007: The Roland Butler Appreciation Station and I am going to hope, for the sake of the future of political comedy in this province, that the Natural Resources Minister is beaten by a 20 year old political science major
- An in-depth analysis of why this election is quickly turning into a contest to see which party is made up of the least people from St. John's
- And other hard-hitting reporting on Election 2007 as it develops, etc.

Remember, folks: if it happens in the election season, you'll hear it at Serious Business firstlike twelfth or something!

Oh god not this guy again

I know what you're thinking - just when you thought it was safe to turn off your sarcasm radar some poor fool at Aliant flipped a switch and unleashed upon the internet a Pandora's Box of irreverent snark ("relevant content" is what was left behind in the box if you want me to finish the allusion). Consider this blog like the Churchill Falls deal; everyone wishes it would just go away but it won't and it will be damned if you're going to forget about it.

Anyways with the election campaign just around the corner I figured this would be prime time to actually re-establish a connection with the outside world. Elections are like the Stanley Cup playoffs for me, and since I don't watch hockey I need to find some way to vent about deficient players and which team captains should be fired and how most of the time the referees are making calls that are mindblowingly terrible. I'd go on about the similarities between hockey and politics but that would require me to actually know anything about hockey, so I'll stop here because this digression has just gotten outrageous.

Assuming the people who might be reading this follow current events, I'm sure by now you're well aware of the government's new energy plan which was released yesterday. While this move is sure to please the large demographic of people (this includes candidates in the upcoming election, just so you know) in this province who can't tell the difference between an MOU and a deal that has construction on oil rigs starting next week and who also cannot be bothered to actually read anything the government releases, I think it should be worth at least a glance over. While I again freely admit that I am no economist, I have given it a few runthroughs and have managed to draw up a very succinct flowchart of Williams' new plan:

Step 1. Insist on 10% equity stake in any oil development
Step 2. Mention development of Lower Churchill
Step 3. ???
Step 4. Profit
(Ten points if you catch the reference)

If I'm not mistaken, I believe it was pseudo-philosopher and right-wing czarina Ayn Rand who once said "Throughout the centuries there were men who took the first steps down new roads armed with nothing but their own vision." While our premier probably isn't an Objectivist, it would probably be for the best if he'd share the actual mechanics of his great vision with the rest of us - if there is anything history and campy 80s horror films have taught us, it's that not having a roadmap always ends terribly with either Quebec owning your electricity or a man in a William Shatner mask trying to tear open your car door.

(Or I guess you could combine those two metaphors and wind up with something like "Quebec is the William Shatner of Canada" but then I think saying something like that might constitute a hate crime.)

You see Black and White, but I see Red

Gentle readers, before I begin on any sort of dissertation on this fine day I must apologise for my unannounced hiatus; moving around St. John's is a hassle when it has to be done incrementally, and it's also really hard to post things on the internet when you're without internet. I know your lives revolve around my occasional updates so I'm trying to rectify the problem as soon as possible - in the meantime, I suggest you finish that knitting project you've been putting off.

Anyways, I was moved to venture out towards a public internet terminal because I've been noticing a curious infestation in the city here as of late.

It would appear that the city of St. John's has contracted a sudden case of Liberals.

Well, federal Liberals, at least. The party has apparently selected St. John's as the host city for their National Caucus events this year, and all the Liberal MPs and Senators have come out in force to apparently take in our wonderful scenery such as the vertical streets and The Bubble.

I'm not sure how far in advance this National Caucus bit is planned, but I can't say I'm especially surprised that the Red Army has chosen to set up camp here for the week; it's a safe bet that Newfoundland and Labrador is the national capital of anti-Tory sentiment at the moment, and because this province will never vote NDP without a gun to its head, assumedly the Liberals recognise that we will likely go entirely red in the next federal election and are most likely going to prod us in that direction over the coming days, weeks and months.

This, of course, is a pretty easy thing for Stephane Dion and his compatriots to do. Much to the chagrin of their provincial counterparts, the federal Liberal party can very easily sidle up with Danny Williams and his ~80% approval rating, and being who they are can also tap into this province's natural vitriol for Stephen Harper. For the Liberals, this is like the Grand Banks except instead of cod it is votes and the Premier is like a magical vote-collecting factory trawler (think Theodore Tugboat) and all they've got to do is rubber stamp his approval to collect all the votes until they run out and there is a moratorium declared and all the votes leave for Alberta and oh God the post-traumatic stress disorder is back and-

Ahem.

But is it really that strange for the Liberal Party of Canada to endorse a provincial Tory premier? Vote-garnering political rationality aside, the logic for such a move really does run a little deeper than it might first appear. Federally, politics is largely driven along more ideological lines; you can see a distinction between the centre-left Liberals and the more neo-conservative Conservatives - it's not quite as stark as the constrast between the Democrats and Republicans who wage war for control of the imperial palace to the south, but it's definitely there.

Not so much in provincial politics, however; in Newfoundland and Labrador, at least, we operate on a much more pragmatic basis, and there isn't really a strong overarching ideological theme to the parties here - we kind of just do what seems like a good idea at the time. Liberals and Liberals because their fathers and grandfathers were, and likewise with the Tories; this is why we've got this weird situation where Liberal premiers will make cuts to the public service and Tory premiers will insist on a (at least partial) nationalisation of natural resources and industries.

So, think about it - if you really look at what he's doing, is Premier Williams seem like more of a neocon ala Harper or did he actually know what he was talking about when he called himself a 'Red Tory' last year? While this is admittedly just a pet theory of mine, it's not entirely inconceivable that in another place and another time, Danny Williams might have been a federal MP flying under the banner of the Liberal Party of Canada. I mean, he's obviously got that fiscally conservative streak about him, but wasn't one Mr. Martin once fitted with that description? (Speaking of Martin, he should somewhere within the city limits of St. John's as I write this - I hear he likes to party, so make sure you bring your camera to George Street tonight.)

So in that sense, when Stephane Dion has a meeting with the Premier about economic issues or provincial Liberal MPs come out with reactions to Williams ranging from 'endorsement' to 'praise', it's not just to score political points here in the province - it may be because these kissing cousins legitimately see eye to eye on the issues.

Mmm, that's good food for thought. On that note, I'm off to go dig my camera out of a box and go out on a safari for some of Canada's political quasi-celebrities. If anyone catches a shot of Belinda Stronach, make sure to mail it to me so I can finish building my shrine to her in my closet showcase your photographic talent on the Internet!

And with that, we now return you to your regularly scheduled hiatus.

8/22 Never Forget

Stop for a second and take a deep breath.

Can't you taste the difference in the air? I knew it as soon as I awoke yesterday morning. Things were different.

We are officially living in a post-MOU world, and nothing will ever be the same.

I mean, its not a legally binding agreement, and we have very few details other than that it is the greatest deal in the history of time (or at least since Europeans traded smallpox for North America in the 17th century), but still. It's the thought that counts.

However, like all earth-shattering events that may or may not happen in the future, our new post-MOU world raises important questions. Namely, whether or not we'll have an Opposition on October 10th, or even if we need one.

Bill Rowe has been abusing the word 'juggernaut' over the past few days in talking about the Williams government machine, and as much as he is in desperate need of a thesaurus, he has a very good point; Williams may as well attach a steamroller to the front of his RV. Obviously, this throws some doubt on future existence of an Opposition party for the next 4 years or so.

This question of democracy comes on the heels of this wonderous deal-to-probably-make-a-deal and the Premier's intentions to not set it before the legislature for any kind of vote or examination of the details. But don't take my word for it:

"I hadn't even considered [bringing the details before the legislature] quite frankly[...][The opposition] would probably carry government in on their shoulders and pass it with a blink … This deal, is such a good deal for the government of Newfoundland and Labrador, that ratification wouldn't be an issue."
- Premier Danny Williams, according to CBC.ca

The current question of the future of the Opposition in this province has divided the province into two key camps:

1. Those people who love Danny Williams and who believe he can do no wrong but think there should be an Opposition there just to prove democractically that he can actually do no wrong; and,
2. Those people who love Danny Williams and believe he can do no wrong so there is no real reason to have an Opposition anyways because it will only slow down Danny's progress (made on a go-forward basis)

The best exemplary of this view was expressed by Minister Kathy Dunderdale calling into VOCM's BackTalk yesterday afternoon to reassure us that we don't need to be worried about the future of our democracy if/when the PCs win all 48 seats in the province.

Her rationale for this came in two major points. After reiterating that August 22nd was the greatest day in the history of the province, she first asserted that Premier Williams legitimately is Newfoundland's Messiah by informing us that:

"He is such a consensus builder [...] everyone in government is on the same page when we go into the House [...] he's such a visionary and I'm very excited and grateful to be working along with him."
- Kathy Dunderdale

With the memory of Fabian Manning and crab fishermen haunting my dreams, I was extremely worried that some MHAs may dissent with the Premier. I'm sure you can imagine my relief to find out that Danny Williams is committed to making sure everyone on his side of the House has the exact same position on every issue as he does. It's good to know that a 100% majority of PCs in the province would move as fast as possible to make Danny's visions a reality.

Secondly, and more importantly, the Minister made the same argument that most pro-Blue Flood indivduals have made on the airwaves: namely, that the current Opposition is basically useless and accomplishes nothing anyways, so by having no Opposition nothing will change at all (except that things will get better because Danny will get things done even faster).

This argument makes perfect sense. The Opposition has been too busy nitpicking silly things like transparency issues over fibre-optic cables or which government officials knew what about hormone test problems or whether or not selling FPI was handled properly. Most of the time the Opposition itself has admitted these are good ideas anyways, so why should we elect them again just to stand in the way of great progress? If there is one thing that history has shown, it's that when good ideas are involved, un-checked governments are physically incapable of acting in a corrupt manner.

So when the government says that getting our MOU was a beautiful, historic day for this province, they were right. Whether or not the deal ultimately turns out in a few years to be as marvellous as we're told or not (I'm not an economist, I only play one on television), that is not the real reason for the Premier's giddiness on Wednesday.

What was really happening at that press conference was a pulic approval-rating sanction to turn government up on Warp 9 in reshaping the province as our Prophet-in-Chief sees fit by any means so long as its "a good idea".

So remember where you were at noon on August 22nd, 2007: the day democracy in Newfoundland and Labrador became obsolete.