The Lost Emails

In case you've been living under a rock for the past year or so, the Cameron Inquiry is fully underway into the breast cancer fiasco currently rocking the Provincial government.

The most recent development that is making the headlines right this second relates to a number of newly discovered emails that may or may shed some light on when exactly it was that Danny first found out about this whole mess.

Of course, most of these emails are being scoured from the archives of emails sent on the government network. While this is all well and good, a truly ethical and well-respected journalist such as myself _{note: not actually a real journalist} knows that in order to really blow the lid of this scandal the place you'd want to look is the Premier's personal email account, because if he was going to write anything down that was even half-incriminating about anything at all ever, it would be there.

So, I did the honourable thing and used my insider knowledge of government secrets and ELITE TECHNOLOGICAL PROWESS^TM to find and crack open the account and get a glimpse at the Premier's hotmail conversations. What I found, once I weeded through absurd amounts of spam, was astonishing.

Here, unedited, are two shocking exchanges between the Premier and the health minister(s) that I uncovered in my investigation. I will present them to you without any further commentary so you can make up your mind as to its true significance on your own:

-----------------------------------
[07/05/05]
fr: "The Honourable Danny Williams" [dan_da_man1337@hotmail.com]
to: "John Boy" [ottenheimer777@hotmail.com]
re: re: where are you

the reason im ignoring you is because we are trying to organise a giant conspiracy here to swindle the public and your RUINING IT by sending me emails about it in a way that can be publicly accessed YOU IDIOT

god i didnt think it was possible but your more useless than ross

i was going to help you on this but now since you have made me angry i am going to make you take the fall if/when this breaks

you know

because i am an all powerful puppetmaster and i PULL ALL THE STRINGS AND DONT YOU FORGET IT

- d

ps. yeah man i saw big brother the other night!! you should get in our pool, its gonna be pretty good (im gonna win tho :P)

----original message----
fr: "John Boy" [ottenheimer777@hotmail.com]
to: "The Honourable Danny Williams" [dan_da_man1337@hotmail.com]
re: where are you

okay seriously danny what is the deal here ive sent your office like 40 million emails already about this eastern health thing, what am i supposed to do?!?!

man ive tried messaging you on your myspace a bunch but you arent replying, get back to me man i need your advice on what my legal and political options are because apparently i am incapable of figuring it out myself despite the fact that i am the minister and also a lawyer!!

anyways did you see big brother the other night?? haha it was crazy!

-----------------------------------
-----------------------------------
[11/23/07]
fr: "The Honourable Danny Williams" [dan_da_man1337@hotmail.com]
to: "Ross" [bossross123@hotmail.com]
re: FWD: FWD: FWD: new poll out today

GOD DAMMIT ROSS IF YOUR GOING TO DO THIS THEN AT LEAST DO IT RIGHT AND DONT RUIN THE JOKE BY FORWARDING ALL YOUR EMAILS TO ME HOW HARD IS IT TO JUST HIT SEND AND NOT FORWARD ALL

GOD IM SURROUNDED BY IDIOTS

AND WHILE WERE ON THE TOPIC IF YOU SEND ME A LINK TO GOATSE ONE MORE TIME I SWEAR TO GOD TERRY FRENCH IS GETTING YOUR JOB DONT THINK IM KIDDING ILL DO IT DONT MESS WITH ME

----original message----
> fr: "Ross" [bossross123@hotmail.com]
> to: "The Honourable Danny Williams" [dan_da_man1337@hotmail.com]
> re: FWD: FWD: FWD: new poll out today
>
> hey dan have u seen this cbc just did a new poll on our popularity and we got 96%!!1
>
> heres the link u should check it out: CBC POLL SHOWS PCS ARE AWESOME
>
> pretty good job for us dont u think??
>
>----original message----
>> fr: "Charlene" [newfie_beach_babe99@hotmail.com]
>> to: "Ross" [bossross123@hotmail.com]
>> re: FWD: FWD: new poll out today
>>
>> lol ross i cant believe u rickrolld me!! rofl i fall for these everytime lol :P
>>
>> hey u should try sending this to danny i think he'd find it pretty funny!! lol
>>
>>----original message----
>> fr: "Tom Rideout" [clyde_sucks58@hotmail.com]
>> to: "Ross" [bossross123@hotmail.com]
>> re: FWD: FWD: new poll out today
>>
>> ross why are you wasting time with this shouldn't you be doing something useful
>> OH WAIT YOUR USELESS LOL BURRRRRRRRN
>> j/k man your cool this was funny i lol'd
>>
>>
>>----original message----
>> fr: "J. Kennedy" [2_kool_4_skool88@hotmail.com]
>> to: "Ross" [bossross123@hotmail.com]
>> re: stop emailing me
>>
>> i hate you
>>
>>----original message----
>>> fr: "Ross" [bossross123@hotmail.com]
>>> to: "big kenny j" [2_kool_4_skool88@hotmail.com], "Charlene" [newfie_beach_babe99@hotmail.com], "t. rider" [clyde_sucks58@hotmail.com]
>>> re: FWD: new poll out today
>>>
>>> hey guys you should see this, cbc just put out a new poll of our popularity and we got like 95% or something
>>>
>>> here check out the link: CBC POLL SHOWS PCS ARE AWESOME
>>>
>>> i think we should part ourselves on the back 4 this one!!1
>>>
>>>----original message----
>>>> fr: "Ed Byrne" [the_byrnenator@hotmail.com]
>>>> to: "Ross" [bossross123@hotmail.com]
>>>> re: new poll out today
>>>>
>>>> hey ross, you should see this, cbc just released a new poll showing how good you guys are doing, you should probably pass it along to some of the peeps up in cabinet, its at CBC POLL SHOWS PCS ARE AWESOME
>>>>
>>>> anyways hope you guys are doing good way to wreck the LIEberals in the last election lol it ruled
>>>>
>>>> give my props to dan
>>>>
>>>> peace out,
>>>> the byrnenator
------------------------------------

Intriguing.

However, it would be neglectful of me to only focus on the negative emails I found: it also turns out that the Premier is working on projects to ensure our economic success! Just take a look at this covert business deal I discovered that is guaranteed to provide a much-needed influx of cash to this province:

------------------------------------
[03/26/08]
fr: "The Honourable Danny Williams" [dan_da_man1337@hotmail.com]
to: deborah_koffi@terra.com
re: Business Transaction

Dear Mrs. Koffi,

I am sorry to hear about your husband; it really is too bad. That said, thank you for offering me this excellent opportunity. The province of Newfoundland and Labrador is a great place to invest as we are headed for economic prosperity within the near future and now is the time to get in on the ground floor.

After discussing it with my cabinet I have decided that this investment of $2.4 million is exactly what our telecommunications sector needs, and as a result I will gladly accept your offer on behalf of the people of Newfoundland and Labrador.

I'm out of the country currently but as soon as I return I'll email you all the necessary financial information for you to make your deposit. And again, thank you for choosing to invest in the people of Newfoundland and Labrador. You will not be sorry!

Sincerely,
The Honourable Danny Williams
Premier, Newfoundland and Labrador

----original message----
>fr: "Mrs. Deborah Koffi" [kone_nk32@yahoo.com]
>to: dan_da_man1337@hotmail.com
>re: Investment Opportunity
>
>From Mrs Deborah Koffi
>11, Rue des Jean Paul
>Deux-Plateaux
>Côte D'Ivoire.
>
>My Dear,
>
>It is my pleasure to contact you for a business venture which I and my son Rashid intend to establish in your country. Though I have not met with you before but I believe one has to risk confiding to succeed sometimes in life.
>
>I want to confide in you for the brighter future of my son since you are a human being like me. There is this huge amount of two Million Four Hundred Thousand US Dollars. ($2.400.000.00) which my late Husband deposited in a bank here in Cote d' Ivoire before he was assassinated by unknown persons.
>
>Now I and my son Rashid have decided to invest this money in your country or anywhere safe enough for security and political reasons.
>
>We want you to help us to claim this money so that the bank can transfer it into your personal account in your country for investment purposes on these areas:
>
> 1). Telecommunication
> 2). Transport Industry & Equipment Leasing
> 3). Real Estate
>
>If you can be of an assistance to us we will be pleased to offer to you 15% of the total money.
>
>PLEASE,CONSIDER THIS AND GET BACK TO ME AS SOON AS POSSIBLE.THROUGH MY PRIVATE EMAIL BOX
>N/B..IT IS VERY IMPORTANT YOU WRITE ME ON MY PRIVATE EMAIL PROVIDED
BELOW
> (deborah_koffi@terra.com)
>
>
>I await your soonest response.
>
>Respectfully yours,
>Mrs Dborah Koffi.
--------------------------------------

And there you have it. If this is any indication, the only thing the Inquiry is going to find out is that even while on vacation, Danny Williams never stops working for us.