7 And so it was that Loyola returned to the people with tidings of joy; 2 for he had seen the works of the LORD Most High and had been so commanded to again bring news of His Glory unto them. 3 He went into the holy city of Saint John's and found there a throng of the people in wait for his emissary from the LORD, and he went before them and spoke:
4 "O Peoples of Newfoundland, I bring to you these sacred mysteries of Our Father in Ottawa, who loves you so much as to shower you with gold so that you may fix your bridges for skidooing." 5 The people cheered at first but then grew restless, as many had grown wary of Loyola's prophecies. Ross Wiseman Iscariot was the first to speak, saying:
6 "Why does the LORD send you to preach these things to us as if they are new when they are in fact as old as time itself? Surely this is further proof that your God is not so holy as you say He is!" 7 The people at this point began to get restless and threatened to overwhelm Loyola, who fell to his knees in supplication to the LORD so that his seat may be protected. Suddenly a light from Heaven shone down upon the land and an Angel of the LORD appeared, saying:
8 "Lo! I am the Archangel Peter MacKay, who sits at the left hand of the Father in Ottawa; why do you heap scorn upon this holy man before you? He is a prophet of the LORD and he speaks the truth! Who are you to question His Divine Plan?" 9 And the people did pause to think, and realised that the Archangel Peter MacKay probably had a point. Had the ancient holy men not said it is better to have one prophet in the Cabinet of the LORD than to fill the Shadows with false ones?
10 Now the High Priest of the day was also there in the same crowd and did not follow with the rest of people in their reasoning, saying: 11"Quite frankly, I am not convinced that we are in the favour of the LORD; how can I believe the words of His prophet when He has cursed our Atlantic Covenant so?" 12 The people then again became rowdy, asking similar questions of the holy emissaries. The Archangel Peter MacKay was prepared for this line of questioning and spoke again, saying:
13"You must remember that the LORD moves in mysterious ways; while it may seem that He has dishonoured many of His covenants to the layperson's eye, He has never done any such thing and in fact all his actions are line with the sacred vow of 'promise made, promise kept' He made during His days on Earth before His ascension to the golden mansion of 24 Sussex Drive." 14 But this answer did not satisfy the people or their High Priest, who spoke again, saying:
15"That doesn't make any sense; how can the LORD be said to be progressing on a go-forward basis by consistently doing the opposite of what He vowed to do at an earlier time?" 16 To this the Archangel Peter MacKay stated simply "I have no further comments at this time" and ascended once again into the light of Heaven. The people, seeing this, soon dispersed, for they had learned of late that attempting to understand the rationale behind the holy mysteries of the LORD proved too taxing on the faculties. 17 And Loyola did bend his knees again and praise the LORD, for he knew that he was no longer in danger from the people. He further praised the LORD for the results of the Liberal nomination which had just happened, 18 for as any wise man knows, barring the emergence of a local Open Line host as a candidate in the next election, since Creation it has been a given that incumbent prophets always win contests against those who believe in "best three out of five."
- The Book of Hearn, Chapter 7
Showing posts with label Loyal Loyola. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Loyal Loyola. Show all posts
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
Friday, February 22, 2008
Much ado about Freudian Slips
It must be a slow week for the Department of Education because apparently Jokegate 2008 is the only issue the Minister of Education has to deal with at the moment.
There isn't much point in repeating myself over the merits of the Minister's complaint, but it's worth pointing out that she's brought up an interesting new point: Hearn's joke about an overweight woman is actually a manifestation of underlying sexism present in the federal Conservative party.
While the federal Tories have made some blatantly regressive policy decisions regarding the status of women in the short time they've been in government ("You can go home guys, women are pretty much equal" - Bev Oda, 2006), the last time Hearn's joke could be considered even remotely edgy or sexist would be sometime in the 1930s, and contrary to what Joan Burke mighthave been told to believe by her bosssay, it really is a leap of faith to assume that because of an incredibly lame joke, Loyola Hearn truly believes women belong barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen as little more than glorified baby-producing machines.
But, all that aside, Joan Burke's comments raise an interesting question: can such seemingly innocuous statements act as Freudian slips to reveal the deepest, darkest secrets of people and governments?
Why don't we take a look:
Statement 1: "...[it involves trying to] balance the responsibility of the patients who needed change and the responsibility of protecting the interests of [Eastern Health] in the event of a litigation." - Health Minister Ross Wiseman referring to why Eastern Health did not inform patients of inaccurate breast cancer test results
BURKEAN SLIP: "We are greedy misogynists." - Health Minister Ross Wiseman
Statement 2: "I think I represent, in my heart and soul, the hearts and souls of Newfoundlanders and Labradorians..." - Premier Danny Williams, explaining why he feels his party enjoys overwhelming popular support
BURKEAN SLIP: "If you vote Liberal, I'll cut you." - Lord Daniel Q. Williams I, God-Emperor of Newfoundland and her colony Labrador
Statement 3: "I think we have a clear example here of a government that does not respect women." - Education Minister Joan Burke, referring to a joke Loyola Hearn made about an overweight woman
BURKEAN SLIP: "God please let the media keep going with this story so I have time to come up with a way to blame the Liberals for stealing information on children or whatever it was that happened and can therefore continue to avoid actually being knowledgeable about my job in any way." - Education Minister Joan "Psychoanalyst" Burke
Of course, this is purely a thought experiment - I mean, I don't think Ross Wiseman is evil so much as he is inept, and I doubt that the Premier intends to put dissenters up against the wall anytime soon.
Joan Burke, however, is definitely clutching at straws here.
Relax, Minister - sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.
There isn't much point in repeating myself over the merits of the Minister's complaint, but it's worth pointing out that she's brought up an interesting new point: Hearn's joke about an overweight woman is actually a manifestation of underlying sexism present in the federal Conservative party.
While the federal Tories have made some blatantly regressive policy decisions regarding the status of women in the short time they've been in government ("You can go home guys, women are pretty much equal" - Bev Oda, 2006), the last time Hearn's joke could be considered even remotely edgy or sexist would be sometime in the 1930s, and contrary to what Joan Burke might
But, all that aside, Joan Burke's comments raise an interesting question: can such seemingly innocuous statements act as Freudian slips to reveal the deepest, darkest secrets of people and governments?
Why don't we take a look:
Statement 1: "...[it involves trying to] balance the responsibility of the patients who needed change and the responsibility of protecting the interests of [Eastern Health] in the event of a litigation." - Health Minister Ross Wiseman referring to why Eastern Health did not inform patients of inaccurate breast cancer test results
BURKEAN SLIP: "We are greedy misogynists." - Health Minister Ross Wiseman
Statement 2: "I think I represent, in my heart and soul, the hearts and souls of Newfoundlanders and Labradorians..." - Premier Danny Williams, explaining why he feels his party enjoys overwhelming popular support
BURKEAN SLIP: "If you vote Liberal, I'll cut you." - Lord Daniel Q. Williams I, God-Emperor of Newfoundland and her colony Labrador
Statement 3: "I think we have a clear example here of a government that does not respect women." - Education Minister Joan Burke, referring to a joke Loyola Hearn made about an overweight woman
BURKEAN SLIP: "God please let the media keep going with this story so I have time to come up with a way to blame the Liberals for stealing information on children or whatever it was that happened and can therefore continue to avoid actually being knowledgeable about my job in any way." - Education Minister Joan "Psychoanalyst" Burke
Of course, this is purely a thought experiment - I mean, I don't think Ross Wiseman is evil so much as he is inept, and I doubt that the Premier intends to put dissenters up against the wall anytime soon.
Joan Burke, however, is definitely clutching at straws here.
Relax, Minister - sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Minister Burke, the joke is on you
Do you like jokes? I like jokes. In fact I heard a really good one recently that I feel compelled to share with you:
So there's this tourist travelling across Canada, and he decides to visit one church in every province that he stops in. So he gets off the plane in British Columbia and visits a church, and they have a phone line directly to heaven that costs 100 dollars to use. He doesn't use it, of course, because that's an obscene price for a phone call, period. So he heads out to Alberta and finds that at the next church they have the same line to heaven, but this one costs 80 dollars. Thinking there might be pattern to this, his next stop is a church in Ontario and sure enough, there's another phone line to heaven and it costs 50 dollars. He heads to New Brunswick next, where it costs 20 dollars, and finally he runs out of room to head east in Canada and makes his last stop in a church here in Newfoundland, where he discovers that the line to heaven is only 25 cents - the reason being, of course, that he's already there.
Aww.
But wait, it gets better:
While he's stopped over in Newfoundland he hears someone mention that they've got the same thing over in Ireland; so obviously, he jumps at the chance to continue his investigation of these bizarre heavenly phones. Of course, when he gets there, he realises they have a totally different pricing scheme on the other side of the pond, and he's told that it'll cost him about 300 pounds to use their line to heaven. Naturally, he makes the call and then leaves his wife behind.
Hah, I love that one. Unfortunately I can't take credit for it though, since I got it from federal Fisheries Minister Loyola Hearn. Or maybe I didn't. At this point, I'm not really sure if I did or not, and apparently neither is Mr. Hearn or Education Minister Joan Burke.
Honestly I'm not entirely sure Joan Burke is in any position to criticise anyone for over their choice of comedy (or lack thereof). Based on everything I've ever heard her say both in and out of the House, I can only assume that she is the sort of person who enjoys Mallard Fillmore unironically:
That aside, the joke in question - which apparently neither CBC or VOCM will reproduce in print medium - is pretty tame as far as sexist jokes go, to the point where I firmly believe that anyone finding it legitimately and/or offensively sexist desperately needs to get out more (Lorraine Michael, are you reading this?). If it makes you more comfortable, feel free to imagine the protagonist as a woman and replace the word "wife" with "husband" and it's essentially the same joke, although this might make it somewhat more difficult for the Education Minister to claim moral outrage about it.
Also, claiming moral outrage over a joke you never actually heard except through hearsay seems like an extremely frivolous and hilariously trivial thing to do that no sane government member would ever actually follow through on. Or at least, you would assume as much, until you remember that our provincial government has gone completely overboard in its grudge match with the federal Conservative party to the point of being so desperate to come up with something to offset recent spending announcements that they've resorted to trying to make a mountain out of what they heard might be a molehill (but aren't really sure).
Ironically, what Joan Burke and the provincial government don't seem to realise is that by blowing up at the federal Conservatives over everything they do and actively trying to make sure none are elected to the House from this province, they'll create a situation in which the only jokes they'll be hearing from federal Ministers in another (likely) Harper minority government will all start with "so, there's this Newfie..."
So there's this tourist travelling across Canada, and he decides to visit one church in every province that he stops in. So he gets off the plane in British Columbia and visits a church, and they have a phone line directly to heaven that costs 100 dollars to use. He doesn't use it, of course, because that's an obscene price for a phone call, period. So he heads out to Alberta and finds that at the next church they have the same line to heaven, but this one costs 80 dollars. Thinking there might be pattern to this, his next stop is a church in Ontario and sure enough, there's another phone line to heaven and it costs 50 dollars. He heads to New Brunswick next, where it costs 20 dollars, and finally he runs out of room to head east in Canada and makes his last stop in a church here in Newfoundland, where he discovers that the line to heaven is only 25 cents - the reason being, of course, that he's already there.
Aww.
But wait, it gets better:
While he's stopped over in Newfoundland he hears someone mention that they've got the same thing over in Ireland; so obviously, he jumps at the chance to continue his investigation of these bizarre heavenly phones. Of course, when he gets there, he realises they have a totally different pricing scheme on the other side of the pond, and he's told that it'll cost him about 300 pounds to use their line to heaven. Naturally, he makes the call and then leaves his wife behind.
Hah, I love that one. Unfortunately I can't take credit for it though, since I got it from federal Fisheries Minister Loyola Hearn. Or maybe I didn't. At this point, I'm not really sure if I did or not, and apparently neither is Mr. Hearn or Education Minister Joan Burke.
Honestly I'm not entirely sure Joan Burke is in any position to criticise anyone for over their choice of comedy (or lack thereof). Based on everything I've ever heard her say both in and out of the House, I can only assume that she is the sort of person who enjoys Mallard Fillmore unironically:
That aside, the joke in question - which apparently neither CBC or VOCM will reproduce in print medium - is pretty tame as far as sexist jokes go, to the point where I firmly believe that anyone finding it legitimately and/or offensively sexist desperately needs to get out more (Lorraine Michael, are you reading this?). If it makes you more comfortable, feel free to imagine the protagonist as a woman and replace the word "wife" with "husband" and it's essentially the same joke, although this might make it somewhat more difficult for the Education Minister to claim moral outrage about it.
Also, claiming moral outrage over a joke you never actually heard except through hearsay seems like an extremely frivolous and hilariously trivial thing to do that no sane government member would ever actually follow through on. Or at least, you would assume as much, until you remember that our provincial government has gone completely overboard in its grudge match with the federal Conservative party to the point of being so desperate to come up with something to offset recent spending announcements that they've resorted to trying to make a mountain out of what they heard might be a molehill (but aren't really sure).
Ironically, what Joan Burke and the provincial government don't seem to realise is that by blowing up at the federal Conservatives over everything they do and actively trying to make sure none are elected to the House from this province, they'll create a situation in which the only jokes they'll be hearing from federal Ministers in another (likely) Harper minority government will all start with "so, there's this Newfie..."
Wednesday, August 1, 2007
No Blood for Waffles
After waking up to the depressing realization of both the Regatta being cancelled and that my bed had floated out into the hallway, it was refreshing this morning to check up on the news and read about Loyola Hearn announcing that Canada will not be no longer be an international wuss. By picking a fight with Belgium, no less.
I personally applaud the courage that Minister Hearn is showing in standing up to the mighty and tyrannical nation of Belgium. I'm not surprised though; truly, Loyola Hearn is a man who always stands up for what is right and true, no matter how high the stakes or personal cost.
The criteria for targeting Belgium isn't that they provide the fastest route to France, but because they're apparently the first government to legislate a boycott since Canada's "New" Government took power. Frankly I can't say I blame them all that much; I'd boycott someone who kept Harping (see what I did there?) on being new after a year and a half, too.
Personally, though, if I were a federal government Minister (feel free to email me with job offers, Mr. Harper), I would be picking my fight with Germany on this one, both because the hypocrisy factor is a good card to play and because it would allow MP Scott Simms to make another Bambi joke. Then again, it probably makes sense that Loyola would want to avoid anything even remotely involving hyprocrisy for the rest of his life. (PROTIP: This should include being a politician)
Interestingly enough all of this comes on the heels of the US House of Representatives apparently developing a time machine to go back to the 1980s and declare their disdain for the clubbing of baby seals when it was still relevant (Yuri Andropov, so far, has been unavailable for comment). I would normally wonder how the most developed nation on earth would be unaware of decades-old international developments, but this is the same place which recently found the Internet not to be a "big truck", as previously assumed, but in fact a series of tubes. Excuse me for a second while I change the batteries on my internets here.
While I myself do think that Europe in general is going a little over the top in boycotting over a practice which stopped decades ago, I can't help but feel that Loyola picking a fight with Belgium right now is less about purely defending the Canadian seal hunt and moreso about shoring up some support down here in his home province. If there is anything Newfoundlanders and Labradorians love more than hating on Ottawa, it would have to be hating on pretentious Europeans. When held up to the waffle-makers across the pond, even wafflers like Loyola Hearn almost look like they've still got an air of legitimacy.
Now if you'll excuse me, all of this talk about waffles and clubbing baby seals has made me hungry. For veal.
I personally applaud the courage that Minister Hearn is showing in standing up to the mighty and tyrannical nation of Belgium. I'm not surprised though; truly, Loyola Hearn is a man who always stands up for what is right and true, no matter how high the stakes or personal cost.
The criteria for targeting Belgium isn't that they provide the fastest route to France, but because they're apparently the first government to legislate a boycott since Canada's "New" Government took power. Frankly I can't say I blame them all that much; I'd boycott someone who kept Harping (see what I did there?) on being new after a year and a half, too.
Personally, though, if I were a federal government Minister (feel free to email me with job offers, Mr. Harper), I would be picking my fight with Germany on this one, both because the hypocrisy factor is a good card to play and because it would allow MP Scott Simms to make another Bambi joke. Then again, it probably makes sense that Loyola would want to avoid anything even remotely involving hyprocrisy for the rest of his life. (PROTIP: This should include being a politician)
Interestingly enough all of this comes on the heels of the US House of Representatives apparently developing a time machine to go back to the 1980s and declare their disdain for the clubbing of baby seals when it was still relevant (Yuri Andropov, so far, has been unavailable for comment). I would normally wonder how the most developed nation on earth would be unaware of decades-old international developments, but this is the same place which recently found the Internet not to be a "big truck", as previously assumed, but in fact a series of tubes. Excuse me for a second while I change the batteries on my internets here.
While I myself do think that Europe in general is going a little over the top in boycotting over a practice which stopped decades ago, I can't help but feel that Loyola picking a fight with Belgium right now is less about purely defending the Canadian seal hunt and moreso about shoring up some support down here in his home province. If there is anything Newfoundlanders and Labradorians love more than hating on Ottawa, it would have to be hating on pretentious Europeans. When held up to the waffle-makers across the pond, even wafflers like Loyola Hearn almost look like they've still got an air of legitimacy.
Now if you'll excuse me, all of this talk about waffles and clubbing baby seals has made me hungry. For veal.
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