Negotiator? But I barely know 'er!

It would appear that some earlier musings by some news outlets have actually come to fruition today, as negotiations over the development of Hebron have formally resumed.

I'm still a little puzzled about the point of it these negotiations resuming again, because the Premier has made it very clear that his position has not changed, and if that wasn't good enough for the oil companies a year ago why would the situation change in any way whatsoever? Of course, I freely admit that I am relatively ignorant of the inner workings of oil industry negotiations, and also that I suffer from a crippling lack of faith in the sheer economic might of the Glorious Empire of Newfoundland (and its colony Labrador) and the leverage it gives us to bring Big Oil to its knees. But I digress; unlike some other bloggers I'm not here to talk economics, I'm here to mocktalk politics.

Let's assume that the Premier is going to continue to be famously consistent (despite what some of you heretics might be trying to imply) and that his statements on government's position going into negotiations with Big Oil can be taken very seriously. Using a mystical and arcane divination technique of reading Tarot cards laid out on a Ouija Board placed in the centre of an indian burial ground at midnight, I have come up with the following detailed list of the events which will transpire in the current round of negotiations:

• August 10th, 2007: formal negotiations between the government of NL and Big Oil begin again
• August 30th, 2007: Danny Williams appears before an investor's luncheon in St. John's to inform them that "we are making some real headway on Hebron" and that a deal is definitely possibly in the works
• September 17th, 2007: Premier Williams launches the "official" election campaign of the PC party; appears on the steps of Confederation Building to make a speech, a large portion of which is devoted to assuring us that "the government and Big Oil definitely have some common ground through which a deal will definitely have some chance of eventually forming"
• October 7th, 2007: on the eve of the eve of Election Day the government issues a flurry of news releases to inform the public that talks over Hebron have broken new ground thanks to the Premier and that a deal is very likely on the immediate horizon; Premier Williams is praised as a great negotiator who can roll with the big companies in getting the deals
• October 9th, 2007: Election Day 2007 happens, the Williams government wins 49 seats; so many people wanted to vote PC they create an extra seat at the last minute so his majority could be larger
• October 10th, 2007: Premier Williams announces Big Oil is being totally unreasonable in their demands, negotiations break down and the oil companies are kicked out of the province; the Premier appears atop the steps in the St. John's airport to proclaim "I told you, no more giveaways on my watch!" to cheering throngs of people; Danny Williams is praised as the greatest negotiator in the history of time
• November 14th, 2007: Danny Williams pulls a Brian Tobin, cites "quitting while I'm ahead"; Tom Rideout becomes Premier again, replaces Cabot Tower with a giant statue of Danny Williams giving the finger in the direction of Ottawa; Clyde Wells is exiled to St. Helena
• October 8th, 2011: Election Day 2011 occurs; the 17 people still living in the province give the Liberals a landslide majority after they promise to negotiate with oil companies rather than the current PC policy of shooting oil executives on sight
• October 9th, 2011: Liberals sell province to Exxon Mobil, use the money to get the Upper Churchill back only to sell it away again for less; First Church of Danny Williams opens in Fort MacMurray

Okay, I mean I know I got a little off-track there towards the end but the powers that be could not contain themselves in showing me where the current round of negotiations over Hebron would take us.

And while some of you may doubt my foresight, I am so confident in my predictions that if the following set of events does not come to pass, I will personally ignore this entry and continue on with my life in an attempt to downplay the embarassment of being a debunked psychic though it will fail miserably and I will perish a broken alcoholic in a gutter somewhere down near George Street.

And that's my personal guarantee.

This is Vicodin. It's mine! You can't have any!

The best VOCM experiences come when you're only half listening and a line out of nowhere catches your attention.

"Does anybody know [...] the status of what Dr. House is doing now in this province or the work he's doing now for our government?"
-Bill Rowe, BackTalk host

Unfortunately I don't have an answer for Bill but I can conclusively say at the very least that it's not Lupus.

And yes, expect it to be this slow here for the next couple of days. Important real-world business to attend to, and the like.

For Science!

"We need to give the Williams government a full force - not just half a government - but a full force in the next election, just to see what happens."
-Arthur, VOCM caller [emphasis added]

This is the best idea anyone's ever had.

After all, was it not Lord Acton who once said, "Power tends to corrupt, and absolute power means no more giveaways on my watch"?

Yes, that sounds about right.

Fanfare for the Common Man

I was busy working away on some mysterious and sexy confidential projects when BackTalk comes on and Bill Rowe is voicing his outrage about some backroom worker in the PMO. Specifically, that it is totally unacceptable for some unelected official from Ottawa to level criticism at an elected provincial Premier who represents all of us.

Thank God we have Bill Rowe out there fighting the good fight. How dare some unelected backroom policy wonk from central Canada belittle Danny Williams by making unreasonable demands like "[the Premier] should have his facts straight before being critical [of Harper]." (I'm paraphrasing here, but, that is the gist of it.)

What kind of world do we live in where people not from our province who have never been elected can point out possible flaws in our Premier (validity of their argument or lack thereof notwithstanding)? I'm surprised Bill even mentioned this on the air, such shocking allegations have been scientifically proven to cause the virgin ears of children to bleed uncontrollably. My hands are shaking and my blood has run cold at the mere thought that some punk kid in Ottawa could possibly suggest that Danny Williams would have to stoop to engaging in mundane dealings like needing a rational basis for things he says. I mean, the man was elected.

Bill was right when he said that regardless of political opinions or partisan stripe, Danny Williams is our Premier and he represents us at all times, across the country and internationally. Not only does this mean we essentially must agree with him at all times, but also when someone calls into question his methods or stance or opinion or even his fashion sense they are in fact insulting every Newfoundlander and Labradorian that has ever lived, is living now and ever will live. And that's just unacceptable.

As for Stephen Harper being elected as the Prime Minister of Canada and deserving the same kind of respect as someone we should agree with at all times and never criticise, that doesn't apply to him for several reasons - you can pick your own justification(s):

1. He broke his promise on the Atlantic Accord and therefore people who work with him can also never be trusted; this is in contrast with Premier Williams, who has never broken a promise, ever
2. Canada is a foreign country which oppresses Newfoundlanders and sells our children into slavery and so Harper is basically Hitler (their last names even have the same number of letters and both start with 'H'...I mean use your heads here people)
3. Because Danny said so

As Bill said it's one thing for some random individual to call into Open Line to voice such an opinion but the minute someone expresses it in some medium that is not Open Line or Back Talk or Night Line then I mean you are just pushing that envelope way too far. Especially if that individual is unelected, not from the province, or both. I know it seems like I'm repeating myself alot here but I really can't stress that enough, the audacity of it all is making me physically ill.

I know that sometimes Bill Rowe gets a hard time from some of you guys but I really and honestly do believe that he is right on the issues and that his opinions are the most clever and insightful I have ever heard expressed publicly - he doesn't let this sort of pressing problem slip through the cracks. I mean otherwise all those hacks and/or traitors (I'm looking at you, Liberal Party of Newfoundland and Labrador) would be able to say whatever they want about our Dear Leader and we all know that criticism of the government is just totally egregious for a developed democratic society.

I don't care what all you unbelievers say. Bill Rowe is truly the Voice of the Common Man.

"Were you sent here by the devil?" "No, good sir, I'm on the level!"

Remember that episode of The Simpsons where Phil Hartman's Lyle Lanley character convinces Springfield to build a faulty monorail as a get-rich-quick scheme? More specifically, remember at the end where he's on the plane that makes a surprise stopover in one of the towns he screwed over with a monorail previously and his plane is stormed by an angry torch-wielding mob?

That is the exact scenario I envisioned when I heard this morning that Prime Minister Stephen Harper would be gracing our fair province to look at the damage caused by the recent post-tropical storm. I'll give him the benefit of the doubt and assume that it was with the intention of getting a damage assessment so as to provide federal assistance in the cleanup efforts in the relatively near future, as opposed to showing up just to laugh derisively at our misfortune in person before flying back to Ottawa for a delicious meal of kittens with a side of toddlers.

As I sit here writing this entry at this exact moment, the Prime Minister is touring Conception Bay North/Placentia/Dunville, flanked by his favourite Newfoundlanders Loyola Hearn and Fabian Manning. I can only hope that Harper will realise that those towns only look that way after being hit by a very rough storm and do not actually appear in states of disrepair constantly. And you know, since's he's pretty insistent we can do without the Atlantic Accord, he might honestly believe it.

Danny Williams, on the other hand, wasn't asked to come along, and is predictably throwing a tantrum like a six-year-old who wasn't invited to a birthday party. I'm not sure why he was expecting an invite, though; last time I checked, children who hate each other don't generally hang out together outside of a very poorly thought out playdate. Lay off going around telling everyone Stephen Harper is the devil and pick him up a nice Transformers action figure, Premier, and maybe you'll get to play with the big boys again.

Not that Harper is in the right here, either. I'm sure his mother must have taught him to invite all the children to his parties, even the unpopular ones who do nothing but complain about the flavour of the cake or the weird smells coming out of the McDonald's ball pit.

But, hey, kids will be kids I guess. We should enjoy it while it lasts; they grow up so fast, the little darlings.

The Rock of the Rock

I was listening to Open Line yesterday morning and I happened to overhear Premier Williams call in to both express his condolences for yesterday's flooding, and to inform us that Big Oil is talking about having talks to discuss whether or not to have discussions with the province over the possibility of maybe starting negotiations about offshore oil eventually. Maybe. (I'd provide a link, but apparently VOCM does not believe in archiving anything, ever. CBC, for some reason I will never understand, apparently decided that this epic development was not worth chronicling; for shame on those central Canadian imperialists!)

In typical fashion, the Premier reassured Randy Simms and listeners everywhere that he remains as a rock, his position unmoving.

I think this is great. I was really getting worried that we were going to make a deal and develop the oil or something.

No Blood for Waffles

After waking up to the depressing realization of both the Regatta being cancelled and that my bed had floated out into the hallway, it was refreshing this morning to check up on the news and read about Loyola Hearn announcing that Canada will not be no longer be an international wuss. By picking a fight with Belgium, no less.

I personally applaud the courage that Minister Hearn is showing in standing up to the mighty and tyrannical nation of Belgium. I'm not surprised though; truly, Loyola Hearn is a man who always stands up for what is right and true, no matter how high the stakes or personal cost.

The criteria for targeting Belgium isn't that they provide the fastest route to France, but because they're apparently the first government to legislate a boycott since Canada's "New" Government took power. Frankly I can't say I blame them all that much; I'd boycott someone who kept Harping (see what I did there?) on being new after a year and a half, too.

Personally, though, if I were a federal government Minister (feel free to email me with job offers, Mr. Harper), I would be picking my fight with Germany on this one, both because the hypocrisy factor is a good card to play and because it would allow MP Scott Simms to make another Bambi joke. Then again, it probably makes sense that Loyola would want to avoid anything even remotely involving hyprocrisy for the rest of his life. (PROTIP: This should include being a politician)

Interestingly enough all of this comes on the heels of the US House of Representatives apparently developing a time machine to go back to the 1980s and declare their disdain for the clubbing of baby seals when it was still relevant (Yuri Andropov, so far, has been unavailable for comment). I would normally wonder how the most developed nation on earth would be unaware of decades-old international developments, but this is the same place which recently found the Internet not to be a "big truck", as previously assumed, but in fact a series of tubes. Excuse me for a second while I change the batteries on my internets here.

While I myself do think that Europe in general is going a little over the top in boycotting over a practice which stopped decades ago, I can't help but feel that Loyola picking a fight with Belgium right now is less about purely defending the Canadian seal hunt and moreso about shoring up some support down here in his home province. If there is anything Newfoundlanders and Labradorians love more than hating on Ottawa, it would have to be hating on pretentious Europeans. When held up to the waffle-makers across the pond, even wafflers like Loyola Hearn almost look like they've still got an air of legitimacy.

Now if you'll excuse me, all of this talk about waffles and clubbing baby seals has made me hungry. For veal.