Independent's Day

As someone writing inflammatory opinion pieces both in print and on the internet, I was legitimately shocked and personally upset when I opened up a copy of The Independent this morning and found out that someone doesn't like me.

Ivan Morgan, I am undone.

In an open letter to yours truly Mr. Morgan has gone to great lengths to convey how dismayed he is that someone out there has the audacity to give opinions on politics using a pseudonym. It's cowardly and dishonourable to the entire profession of journalism and roughly on par with allowing AIDS patients to die untreated or ordering the massacre at Beaumont Hamel.

With smarm and self-righteousness, Mr. Morgan has singlehandedly exposed me as a loathesome fraud, too pathetic to publicly reveal myself for fear that Danny Williams will personally come to my house under the cover of darkness and kneecap me.

I am a disgrace to journalists everywhere and I admit defeat.

This is, of course, what I would say in response to Ivan Morgan assuming his point had any merit or relevance and didn't read like someone gave Comic Book Guy print space and deep-seated insecurities about his place in his chosen career.

I hate to break it to you Mr. Morgan, but I'm not actually a journalist. I know, it's really difficult to make the distinction between an objective and scholarly investigative report and what is essentially a satirical political weblog adapted for print media, so I can understand that this is probably a fairly common mistake. It's cool, I won't hold it against you.

I like your assumption that I am hiding behind a fake name because I fear that were my true identity revealed, I would be put up against the wall. I'm not entirely sure where you got this from, because I don't really remember saying anything of the sort. I'm not even sure I've ever said this is a pseudonym. Why do you assume I'm not legitimately a man named Richard Raleigh? Why do you assume my employment is such that posting on a blog I (apparently mistakenly) assumed no one actually read would get me fired?

What if I actually was Danny Williams and this whole thing is just one big meta-joke? More importantly, why does this even matter? Slow news day? I'm going to assume it was a slow news day.

But since you were so nice to write me a letter, I'll fill you in on a secret, Ivan - the biggest secret of them all. My real, honest-to-goodness reason for being a dishonourable coward (or, if you prefer, a "despicable twerp") isn't because I live in fear of losing my job, but because I think it's funny. I know, a comedy writer doing/saying something because it's perceived as funny - we're through the looking glass here, people. I would make a "stop the presses" joke at this point but I'm afraid if I besmirch the good name of journalism anymore you might have an aneurysm.

I'm also impressed you drew the analogy between publishing monthly opinion pieces in a free newspaper and refusing to treat AIDS patients - I know that the logical acrobatics you need to undertake to draw that kind of parallel are no small feat. A better analogy would probably be an individual from a totally nonrelated profession is a doctor as a hobby and who treats AIDS patients using a different name. Or something like that - you're the professional writer, man; help a brother out.

All in all, your letter reads like a hit piece from J. Jonah Jameson raging about SPIDERMAN WHY DOES HE WEAR THAT MASK RAAARGH - not that I'm complaining, of course. I started doing this to ruffle feathers so I was, in all seriousness, flattered when I opened up the paper this morning. By rights I should be thanking you - by getting angry enough at my mediocre satirical musings to devote a column to me you've actually legitimised the very thing that's making you so upset. Also the free publicity was great, too. Thanks!

Your outrage is silly, Mr. Morgan. Relax - it's not like this is serious business or anything.