Tuesday, March 4, 2008

Alleluia

7 And so it was that Loyola returned to the people with tidings of joy; 2 for he had seen the works of the LORD Most High and had been so commanded to again bring news of His Glory unto them. 3 He went into the holy city of Saint John's and found there a throng of the people in wait for his emissary from the LORD, and he went before them and spoke:

4 "O Peoples of Newfoundland, I bring to you these sacred mysteries of Our Father in Ottawa, who loves you so much as to shower you with gold so that you may fix your bridges for skidooing." 5 The people cheered at first but then grew restless, as many had grown wary of Loyola's prophecies. Ross Wiseman Iscariot was the first to speak, saying:

6 "Why does the LORD send you to preach these things to us as if they are new when they are in fact as old as time itself? Surely this is further proof that your God is not so holy as you say He is!" 7 The people at this point began to get restless and threatened to overwhelm Loyola, who fell to his knees in supplication to the LORD so that his seat may be protected. Suddenly a light from Heaven shone down upon the land and an Angel of the LORD appeared, saying:

8 "Lo! I am the Archangel Peter MacKay, who sits at the left hand of the Father in Ottawa; why do you heap scorn upon this holy man before you? He is a prophet of the LORD and he speaks the truth! Who are you to question His Divine Plan?" 9 And the people did pause to think, and realised that the Archangel Peter MacKay probably had a point. Had the ancient holy men not said it is better to have one prophet in the Cabinet of the LORD than to fill the Shadows with false ones?

10 Now the High Priest of the day was also there in the same crowd and did not follow with the rest of people in their reasoning, saying: 11"Quite frankly, I am not convinced that we are in the favour of the LORD; how can I believe the words of His prophet when He has cursed our Atlantic Covenant so?" 12 The people then again became rowdy, asking similar questions of the holy emissaries. The Archangel Peter MacKay was prepared for this line of questioning and spoke again, saying:

13"You must remember that the LORD moves in mysterious ways; while it may seem that He has dishonoured many of His covenants to the layperson's eye, He has never done any such thing and in fact all his actions are line with the sacred vow of 'promise made, promise kept' He made during His days on Earth before His ascension to the golden mansion of 24 Sussex Drive." 14 But this answer did not satisfy the people or their High Priest, who spoke again, saying:

15"That doesn't make any sense; how can the LORD be said to be progressing on a go-forward basis by consistently doing the opposite of what He vowed to do at an earlier time?" 16 To this the Archangel Peter MacKay stated simply "I have no further comments at this time" and ascended once again into the light of Heaven. The people, seeing this, soon dispersed, for they had learned of late that attempting to understand the rationale behind the holy mysteries of the LORD proved too taxing on the faculties. 17 And Loyola did bend his knees again and praise the LORD, for he knew that he was no longer in danger from the people. He further praised the LORD for the results of the Liberal nomination which had just happened, 18 for as any wise man knows, barring the emergence of a local Open Line host as a candidate in the next election, since Creation it has been a given that incumbent prophets always win contests against those who believe in "best three out of five."

- The Book of Hearn, Chapter 7

1 comment:

Ward Pike said...

Oh that is hysterically funny, and sadly accurate.