"Well, balls."
Showing posts with label Dear Leader. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Dear Leader. Show all posts
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
Thursday, July 3, 2008
The Richard Raleigh Spin/Approval Matrix
Apparently, according to a local political scientist, Tom Rideout's exodus from politics won't hurt Danny Williams politically.
Fascinating.
All the real political scientists at MUN must have been out on summer vacation or writing some esoteric journal articles they could later tout smugly at academic conferences, because Mr. Temelini doesn't really seem to have any deep or poignant insight to offer on the topic.
To anyone who has been paying attention to provincial politics since 2005, this development isn't really a surprise; if the findings of the Cameron Inquiry didn't make the Premier's approval rating falter on its ascension to 90+, then his cartoonishly villainous attempts to discredit the process probably should have. Naturally, of course, this didn't happen, because that would make sense, and this is Newfoundland and Labrador.
This leaves us with only one reasonable thought on the topic: if none of this will hurt the Premier's poll ratings, what will?
Allow me to soothe all your curiousities - in harkening back to the skills I learned as a young, wide-eyed and idealistic political science undergraduate, I have constructed this handy reference list. These conclusions are highly scientific so feel free to cite them in casual or professional conversation, as the knowledge they imparts will make you the envy of your friends and co-workers!
THE RICHARD RALEIGH SPIN/APPROVAL MATRIX
SCANDAL: Danny Williams steals candy from small child and/or infant
EFFECT: Child spun as to be from the mainland and the candy was Purity brand, Premier seen as standing up to the feds and getting 'our fair share', approval rating +2%
SCANDAL: Danny Williams crosses floor at the House of Assembly, punches out Roland Butler
EFFECT: Premier seen across the province as "total badass", young children abandon backyard wrestling to re-enact Question Period thus creating new generation of career politicians, clip appears on YouTube overdubbed with the solo from Metallica's "One"; approval rating goes to 99%
SCANDAL: Danny Williams revealed to worship Satan and perform ritual human sacrifice
EFFECT: Premier uses dark magicks to erase the memories of everyone in the province like an arcane version of the flashing stick in Men In Black, approval rating still goes up 1%
SCANDAL: Danny Williams' Viper runs red light, kills cyclist
EFFECT: Running red light spun as the Premier always working on a go-forward basis for the people of this province, killing a cyclist with luxury car spun as not allowing development of properous oil industry to be hampered by burdensome environmental regulations; approval +6%
SCANDAL: Danny Williams involved in sex scandal with subordinate(s)
EFFECT: Approval ratings increase in accordance to how public ranks the woman in question on a scale of 1-10; an increase of at least 8% is assumed
SCANDAL: John Efford becomes leader of the Liberals
EFFECT: Premier's approval ratings drop drastically as people realise Efford would be a greahahahahahaha I can't even finish this sentence
-------------------------------
Rick Hillier, if you're reading this, yes, I am interested in becoming the new head of Memorial's political science department, thank you for asking!
Fascinating.
All the real political scientists at MUN must have been out on summer vacation or writing some esoteric journal articles they could later tout smugly at academic conferences, because Mr. Temelini doesn't really seem to have any deep or poignant insight to offer on the topic.
To anyone who has been paying attention to provincial politics since 2005, this development isn't really a surprise; if the findings of the Cameron Inquiry didn't make the Premier's approval rating falter on its ascension to 90+, then his cartoonishly villainous attempts to discredit the process probably should have. Naturally, of course, this didn't happen, because that would make sense, and this is Newfoundland and Labrador.
This leaves us with only one reasonable thought on the topic: if none of this will hurt the Premier's poll ratings, what will?
Allow me to soothe all your curiousities - in harkening back to the skills I learned as a young, wide-eyed and idealistic political science undergraduate, I have constructed this handy reference list. These conclusions are highly scientific so feel free to cite them in casual or professional conversation, as the knowledge they imparts will make you the envy of your friends and co-workers!
THE RICHARD RALEIGH SPIN/APPROVAL MATRIX
SCANDAL: Danny Williams steals candy from small child and/or infant
EFFECT: Child spun as to be from the mainland and the candy was Purity brand, Premier seen as standing up to the feds and getting 'our fair share', approval rating +2%
SCANDAL: Danny Williams crosses floor at the House of Assembly, punches out Roland Butler
EFFECT: Premier seen across the province as "total badass", young children abandon backyard wrestling to re-enact Question Period thus creating new generation of career politicians, clip appears on YouTube overdubbed with the solo from Metallica's "One"; approval rating goes to 99%
SCANDAL: Danny Williams revealed to worship Satan and perform ritual human sacrifice
EFFECT: Premier uses dark magicks to erase the memories of everyone in the province like an arcane version of the flashing stick in Men In Black, approval rating still goes up 1%
SCANDAL: Danny Williams' Viper runs red light, kills cyclist
EFFECT: Running red light spun as the Premier always working on a go-forward basis for the people of this province, killing a cyclist with luxury car spun as not allowing development of properous oil industry to be hampered by burdensome environmental regulations; approval +6%
SCANDAL: Danny Williams involved in sex scandal with subordinate(s)
EFFECT: Approval ratings increase in accordance to how public ranks the woman in question on a scale of 1-10; an increase of at least 8% is assumed
SCANDAL: John Efford becomes leader of the Liberals
EFFECT: Premier's approval ratings drop drastically as people realise Efford would be a greahahahahahaha I can't even finish this sentence
-------------------------------
Rick Hillier, if you're reading this, yes, I am interested in becoming the new head of Memorial's political science department, thank you for asking!
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Riddle Me This
If CBC is to be believed, apparently Danny Williams has renewed confidence in the abilities of his cabinet now that former Premier Tom Rideout has tendered his resignation.
Of course, any true Newfoundlander knows CBC is not to be believed, as the Premier courageously demonstrated recently when he (rightly) pointed out that David Cochrane was unfairly attempting to undermine the mastery of our own domain by doing unnecessarily subversive things like asking questions in media scrums.
But, for the sake of argument, let's take the CBC story at face value and assume that when Yvonne Jones asked the Premier if he had any certainty in the ability of his ministers to do their jobs, he did in fact respond with "I have certainty now that Tom Rideout is gone."
Let that sink in for a moment.
According to Danny Williams, Tom Rideout - a man whose political career stretches back to 1975, who is a former Premier with a cumulative decade of ministerial experience - is incompetent.
On the other hand, Joan Burke's revolutionary "well if the Liberals hadn't screwed everything up during the 1990s, I wouldn't have problems to ignore, now would I?" approach to the Department of Education is positively sublime in its genius.
Kathy Dunderdale's performance in her role as "spokeswoman" of the Natural Resources Department is downright enviable.
And of course, the Honourable Ross Wiseman continues to display stunning prowess in the position of Minister of Health and Community Services, up to and including astonishing four month spurts of illiteracy.
Although, upon further reflection, the question that Jones asked was whether or not the Premier had confidence in his ministers' ability to do their jobs. Which, in his defence, he did answer truthfully: every minister who wasn't Tom Rideout was doing a spectacular job.
This is because in Williams' cabinet, the job isn't managing your portfolio with any degree of competency.
It's towing the Premier's line.
Of course, any true Newfoundlander knows CBC is not to be believed, as the Premier courageously demonstrated recently when he (rightly) pointed out that David Cochrane was unfairly attempting to undermine the mastery of our own domain by doing unnecessarily subversive things like asking questions in media scrums.
But, for the sake of argument, let's take the CBC story at face value and assume that when Yvonne Jones asked the Premier if he had any certainty in the ability of his ministers to do their jobs, he did in fact respond with "I have certainty now that Tom Rideout is gone."
Let that sink in for a moment.
According to Danny Williams, Tom Rideout - a man whose political career stretches back to 1975, who is a former Premier with a cumulative decade of ministerial experience - is incompetent.
On the other hand, Joan Burke's revolutionary "well if the Liberals hadn't screwed everything up during the 1990s, I wouldn't have problems to ignore, now would I?" approach to the Department of Education is positively sublime in its genius.
Kathy Dunderdale's performance in her role as "spokeswoman" of the Natural Resources Department is downright enviable.
And of course, the Honourable Ross Wiseman continues to display stunning prowess in the position of Minister of Health and Community Services, up to and including astonishing four month spurts of illiteracy.
Although, upon further reflection, the question that Jones asked was whether or not the Premier had confidence in his ministers' ability to do their jobs. Which, in his defence, he did answer truthfully: every minister who wasn't Tom Rideout was doing a spectacular job.
This is because in Williams' cabinet, the job isn't managing your portfolio with any degree of competency.
It's towing the Premier's line.
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
e.e. cummings on Budget 2008
spiralling downward into an abyss -
not a path that could continue
we wrestled down the fiscal dragon,
a turn of fortune has not happened by accident;
it has happened by design
standing tall as powerful contributors to the federation -
as masters of our own domain.
nothing will hold us back
achieving our goals and fulfilling our dreams
a deep sense of betrayal,
frustration over the federal government;
working against us as partisan foes..
will do nothing to prevent us,
acheiving our goals on our own steam -
the threshold of another great milestone..
in the history of this great province!
a significant turning point..
in the history of this province!
no longer the poor cousin of Confederation,
an economic driver of Canada -
a day for great celebration!
a clarion call to young and old,
expatriates and immigrants from far and wide,
to usher in a period of inspiring economic growth;
UNPRECEDENTED!!
the cranberry industry [...] $2.95 million
proven successes to secure a brighter future;
realizing their dreams~
stand on our own two feet in this federation -
as masters of our own domain.
this future we richly deserve -
masters of our future.
beholden to none who would chart our course for us -
free to choose our own path
to promise and prosperity
proud.
strong.
determined.
ownership of a bright future -
Newfoundland and Labrador
(forever and ever,
amen)
not a path that could continue
we wrestled down the fiscal dragon,
a turn of fortune has not happened by accident;
it has happened by design
standing tall as powerful contributors to the federation -
as masters of our own domain.
nothing will hold us back
achieving our goals and fulfilling our dreams
a deep sense of betrayal,
frustration over the federal government;
working against us as partisan foes..
will do nothing to prevent us,
acheiving our goals on our own steam -
the threshold of another great milestone..
in the history of this great province!
a significant turning point..
in the history of this province!
no longer the poor cousin of Confederation,
an economic driver of Canada -
a day for great celebration!
a clarion call to young and old,
expatriates and immigrants from far and wide,
to usher in a period of inspiring economic growth;
UNPRECEDENTED!!
the cranberry industry [...] $2.95 million
proven successes to secure a brighter future;
realizing their dreams~
stand on our own two feet in this federation -
as masters of our own domain.
this future we richly deserve -
masters of our future.
beholden to none who would chart our course for us -
free to choose our own path
to promise and prosperity
proud.
strong.
determined.
ownership of a bright future -
Newfoundland and Labrador
(forever and ever,
amen)
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
Just out of curiousity...
Yes, it's late.
Yes, I was out tonight entertaining a visitor from the federal government on George Street as part of my job.
So, yes, maybe I'm wrong with the following point which has drawn my attention.
But to the best of my knowledge, it's been the Premier's official line that he was unaware of the ER/PR testing problems before October 2005, even if people in his office knew about it.
And, alright; let's assume that this is some kind of crazy bizarro universe where dogs walk people and McDonald's is considered part of a balanced diet and everyone in the Premier's office can know about something as important as messed up breast cancer testing results and somehow keep it a secret from the most controlling head of government since J.R. Smallwood.
For the sake of argument, let's pretend this is Economics 101 and make this fairly unrealistic assumption.
Wouldn't this following exchange then put a hole in the entire line of argument?
So, he was told about this in July 2005, but since it "required no action" he conveniently forgot about it until October. This makes perfect sense.
Frankly, I'm not sure I could have come up with a more doubleplusgood answer if I was paid to write it.
Yes, I was out tonight entertaining a visitor from the federal government on George Street as part of my job.
So, yes, maybe I'm wrong with the following point which has drawn my attention.
But to the best of my knowledge, it's been the Premier's official line that he was unaware of the ER/PR testing problems before October 2005, even if people in his office knew about it.
And, alright; let's assume that this is some kind of crazy bizarro universe where dogs walk people and McDonald's is considered part of a balanced diet and everyone in the Premier's office can know about something as important as messed up breast cancer testing results and somehow keep it a secret from the most controlling head of government since J.R. Smallwood.
For the sake of argument, let's pretend this is Economics 101 and make this fairly unrealistic assumption.
Wouldn't this following exchange then put a hole in the entire line of argument?
MS JONES: [...] the first account of this issue known in the Department of Health was under your government in July of 2005. That is the facts.
Let me ask this question, Mr. Speaker. The Premier stated yesterday that he could not recall whether senior staff in his office briefed him on the ER-PR testing issue in July of 2005. So I ask the Premier: Have you since asked your staff, did they brief you at that time or did they not?
PREMIER WILLIAMS: I have had that conversation with my staff, and council for the commission has also had that conversation with my staff when my staff were interviewed by Mr. Coffey at the commission and we willing went down and undertook those interviews. Quite frankly, my staff and myself do not remember a conversation.
Now, I will repeat it again. That does not mean it did not happen. I have thousands and thousands, as you do, conversations in the course of a year and some of them cannot be remembered. I can tell you something, if there is something of major importance that was put before my staff and presented as a major issue and then was presented to me, I would certainly remember it, but I certainly cannot remember it. I can tell you that the practice of my staff, who are extremely professional, when critical matters come into that office to our attention, then they come to my attention. This particular note that came in on that day at 2:30 in the afternoon said that this matter required no action.
So, he was told about this in July 2005, but since it "required no action" he conveniently forgot about it until October. This makes perfect sense.
Frankly, I'm not sure I could have come up with a more doubleplusgood answer if I was paid to write it.
Thursday, April 3, 2008
The Lost Emails
In case you've been living under a rock for the past year or so, the Cameron Inquiry is fully underway into the breast cancer fiasco currently rocking the Provincial government.
The most recent development that is making the headlines right this second relates to a number of newly discovered emails that may or may shed some light on when exactly it was that Danny first found out about this whole mess.
Of course, most of these emails are being scoured from the archives of emails sent on the government network. While this is all well and good, a truly ethical and well-respected journalist such as myself note: not actually a real journalist knows that in order to really blow the lid of this scandal the place you'd want to look is the Premier's personal email account, because if he was going to write anything down that was even half-incriminating about anything at all ever, it would be there.
So, I did the honourable thing and used my insider knowledge of government secrets and ELITE TECHNOLOGICAL PROWESSTM to find and crack open the account and get a glimpse at the Premier's hotmail conversations. What I found, once I weeded through absurd amounts of spam, was astonishing.
Here, unedited, are two shocking exchanges between the Premier and the health minister(s) that I uncovered in my investigation. I will present them to you without any further commentary so you can make up your mind as to its true significance on your own:
-----------------------------------
[07/05/05]
fr: "The Honourable Danny Williams" [dan_da_man1337@hotmail.com]
to: "John Boy" [ottenheimer777@hotmail.com]
re: re: where are you
the reason im ignoring you is because we are trying to organise a giant conspiracy here to swindle the public and your RUINING IT by sending me emails about it in a way that can be publicly accessed YOU IDIOT
god i didnt think it was possible but your more useless than ross
i was going to help you on this but now since you have made me angry i am going to make you take the fall if/when this breaks
you know
because i am an all powerful puppetmaster and i PULL ALL THE STRINGS AND DONT YOU FORGET IT
- d
ps. yeah man i saw big brother the other night!! you should get in our pool, its gonna be pretty good (im gonna win tho :P)
----original message----
fr: "John Boy" [ottenheimer777@hotmail.com]
to: "The Honourable Danny Williams" [dan_da_man1337@hotmail.com]
re: where are you
okay seriously danny what is the deal here ive sent your office like 40 million emails already about this eastern health thing, what am i supposed to do?!?!
man ive tried messaging you on your myspace a bunch but you arent replying, get back to me man i need your advice on what my legal and political options are because apparently i am incapable of figuring it out myself despite the fact that i am the minister and also a lawyer!!
anyways did you see big brother the other night?? haha it was crazy!
-----------------------------------
-----------------------------------
[11/23/07]
fr: "The Honourable Danny Williams" [dan_da_man1337@hotmail.com]
to: "Ross" [bossross123@hotmail.com]
re: FWD: FWD: FWD: new poll out today
GOD DAMMIT ROSS IF YOUR GOING TO DO THIS THEN AT LEAST DO IT RIGHT AND DONT RUIN THE JOKE BY FORWARDING ALL YOUR EMAILS TO ME HOW HARD IS IT TO JUST HIT SEND AND NOT FORWARD ALL
GOD IM SURROUNDED BY IDIOTS
AND WHILE WERE ON THE TOPIC IF YOU SEND ME A LINK TO GOATSE ONE MORE TIME I SWEAR TO GOD TERRY FRENCH IS GETTING YOUR JOB DONT THINK IM KIDDING ILL DO IT DONT MESS WITH ME
----original message----
> fr: "Ross" [bossross123@hotmail.com]
> to: "The Honourable Danny Williams" [dan_da_man1337@hotmail.com]
> re: FWD: FWD: FWD: new poll out today
>
> hey dan have u seen this cbc just did a new poll on our popularity and we got 96%!!1
>
> heres the link u should check it out: CBC POLL SHOWS PCS ARE AWESOME
>
> pretty good job for us dont u think??
>
>----original message----
>> fr: "Charlene" [newfie_beach_babe99@hotmail.com]
>> to: "Ross" [bossross123@hotmail.com]
>> re: FWD: FWD: new poll out today
>>
>> lol ross i cant believe u rickrolld me!! rofl i fall for these everytime lol :P
>>
>> hey u should try sending this to danny i think he'd find it pretty funny!! lol
>>
>>----original message----
>> fr: "Tom Rideout" [clyde_sucks58@hotmail.com]
>> to: "Ross" [bossross123@hotmail.com]
>> re: FWD: FWD: new poll out today
>>
>> ross why are you wasting time with this shouldn't you be doing something useful
>> OH WAIT YOUR USELESS LOL BURRRRRRRRN
>> j/k man your cool this was funny i lol'd
>>
>>
>>----original message----
>> fr: "J. Kennedy" [2_kool_4_skool88@hotmail.com]
>> to: "Ross" [bossross123@hotmail.com]
>> re: stop emailing me
>>
>> i hate you
>>
>>----original message----
>>> fr: "Ross" [bossross123@hotmail.com]
>>> to: "big kenny j" [2_kool_4_skool88@hotmail.com], "Charlene" [newfie_beach_babe99@hotmail.com], "t. rider" [clyde_sucks58@hotmail.com]
>>> re: FWD: new poll out today
>>>
>>> hey guys you should see this, cbc just put out a new poll of our popularity and we got like 95% or something
>>>
>>> here check out the link: CBC POLL SHOWS PCS ARE AWESOME
>>>
>>> i think we should part ourselves on the back 4 this one!!1
>>>
>>>----original message----
>>>> fr: "Ed Byrne" [the_byrnenator@hotmail.com]
>>>> to: "Ross" [bossross123@hotmail.com]
>>>> re: new poll out today
>>>>
>>>> hey ross, you should see this, cbc just released a new poll showing how good you guys are doing, you should probably pass it along to some of the peeps up in cabinet, its at CBC POLL SHOWS PCS ARE AWESOME
>>>>
>>>> anyways hope you guys are doing good way to wreck the LIEberals in the last election lol it ruled
>>>>
>>>> give my props to dan
>>>>
>>>> peace out,
>>>> the byrnenator
------------------------------------
Intriguing.
However, it would be neglectful of me to only focus on the negative emails I found: it also turns out that the Premier is working on projects to ensure our economic success! Just take a look at this covert business deal I discovered that is guaranteed to provide a much-needed influx of cash to this province:
------------------------------------
[03/26/08]
fr: "The Honourable Danny Williams" [dan_da_man1337@hotmail.com]
to: deborah_koffi@terra.com
re: Business Transaction
Dear Mrs. Koffi,
I am sorry to hear about your husband; it really is too bad. That said, thank you for offering me this excellent opportunity. The province of Newfoundland and Labrador is a great place to invest as we are headed for economic prosperity within the near future and now is the time to get in on the ground floor.
After discussing it with my cabinet I have decided that this investment of $2.4 million is exactly what our telecommunications sector needs, and as a result I will gladly accept your offer on behalf of the people of Newfoundland and Labrador.
I'm out of the country currently but as soon as I return I'll email you all the necessary financial information for you to make your deposit. And again, thank you for choosing to invest in the people of Newfoundland and Labrador. You will not be sorry!
Sincerely,
The Honourable Danny Williams
Premier, Newfoundland and Labrador
----original message----
>fr: "Mrs. Deborah Koffi" [kone_nk32@yahoo.com]
>to: dan_da_man1337@hotmail.com
>re: Investment Opportunity
>
>From Mrs Deborah Koffi
>11, Rue des Jean Paul
>Deux-Plateaux
>Côte D'Ivoire.
>
>My Dear,
>
>It is my pleasure to contact you for a business venture which I and my son Rashid intend to establish in your country. Though I have not met with you before but I believe one has to risk confiding to succeed sometimes in life.
>
>I want to confide in you for the brighter future of my son since you are a human being like me. There is this huge amount of two Million Four Hundred Thousand US Dollars. ($2.400.000.00) which my late Husband deposited in a bank here in Cote d' Ivoire before he was assassinated by unknown persons.
>
>Now I and my son Rashid have decided to invest this money in your country or anywhere safe enough for security and political reasons.
>
>We want you to help us to claim this money so that the bank can transfer it into your personal account in your country for investment purposes on these areas:
>
> 1). Telecommunication
> 2). Transport Industry & Equipment Leasing
> 3). Real Estate
>
>If you can be of an assistance to us we will be pleased to offer to you 15% of the total money.
>
>PLEASE,CONSIDER THIS AND GET BACK TO ME AS SOON AS POSSIBLE.THROUGH MY PRIVATE EMAIL BOX
>N/B..IT IS VERY IMPORTANT YOU WRITE ME ON MY PRIVATE EMAIL PROVIDED
BELOW
> (deborah_koffi@terra.com)
>
>
>I await your soonest response.
>
>Respectfully yours,
>Mrs Dborah Koffi.
--------------------------------------
And there you have it. If this is any indication, the only thing the Inquiry is going to find out is that even while on vacation, Danny Williams never stops working for us.
The most recent development that is making the headlines right this second relates to a number of newly discovered emails that may or may shed some light on when exactly it was that Danny first found out about this whole mess.
Of course, most of these emails are being scoured from the archives of emails sent on the government network. While this is all well and good, a truly ethical and well-respected journalist such as myself note: not actually a real journalist knows that in order to really blow the lid of this scandal the place you'd want to look is the Premier's personal email account, because if he was going to write anything down that was even half-incriminating about anything at all ever, it would be there.
So, I did the honourable thing and used my insider knowledge of government secrets and ELITE TECHNOLOGICAL PROWESSTM to find and crack open the account and get a glimpse at the Premier's hotmail conversations. What I found, once I weeded through absurd amounts of spam, was astonishing.
Here, unedited, are two shocking exchanges between the Premier and the health minister(s) that I uncovered in my investigation. I will present them to you without any further commentary so you can make up your mind as to its true significance on your own:
-----------------------------------
[07/05/05]
fr: "The Honourable Danny Williams" [dan_da_man1337@hotmail.com]
to: "John Boy" [ottenheimer777@hotmail.com]
re: re: where are you
the reason im ignoring you is because we are trying to organise a giant conspiracy here to swindle the public and your RUINING IT by sending me emails about it in a way that can be publicly accessed YOU IDIOT
god i didnt think it was possible but your more useless than ross
i was going to help you on this but now since you have made me angry i am going to make you take the fall if/when this breaks
you know
because i am an all powerful puppetmaster and i PULL ALL THE STRINGS AND DONT YOU FORGET IT
- d
ps. yeah man i saw big brother the other night!! you should get in our pool, its gonna be pretty good (im gonna win tho :P)
----original message----
fr: "John Boy" [ottenheimer777@hotmail.com]
to: "The Honourable Danny Williams" [dan_da_man1337@hotmail.com]
re: where are you
okay seriously danny what is the deal here ive sent your office like 40 million emails already about this eastern health thing, what am i supposed to do?!?!
man ive tried messaging you on your myspace a bunch but you arent replying, get back to me man i need your advice on what my legal and political options are because apparently i am incapable of figuring it out myself despite the fact that i am the minister and also a lawyer!!
anyways did you see big brother the other night?? haha it was crazy!
-----------------------------------
-----------------------------------
[11/23/07]
fr: "The Honourable Danny Williams" [dan_da_man1337@hotmail.com]
to: "Ross" [bossross123@hotmail.com]
re: FWD: FWD: FWD: new poll out today
GOD DAMMIT ROSS IF YOUR GOING TO DO THIS THEN AT LEAST DO IT RIGHT AND DONT RUIN THE JOKE BY FORWARDING ALL YOUR EMAILS TO ME HOW HARD IS IT TO JUST HIT SEND AND NOT FORWARD ALL
GOD IM SURROUNDED BY IDIOTS
AND WHILE WERE ON THE TOPIC IF YOU SEND ME A LINK TO GOATSE ONE MORE TIME I SWEAR TO GOD TERRY FRENCH IS GETTING YOUR JOB DONT THINK IM KIDDING ILL DO IT DONT MESS WITH ME
----original message----
> fr: "Ross" [bossross123@hotmail.com]
> to: "The Honourable Danny Williams" [dan_da_man1337@hotmail.com]
> re: FWD: FWD: FWD: new poll out today
>
> hey dan have u seen this cbc just did a new poll on our popularity and we got 96%!!1
>
> heres the link u should check it out: CBC POLL SHOWS PCS ARE AWESOME
>
> pretty good job for us dont u think??
>
>----original message----
>> fr: "Charlene" [newfie_beach_babe99@hotmail.com]
>> to: "Ross" [bossross123@hotmail.com]
>> re: FWD: FWD: new poll out today
>>
>> lol ross i cant believe u rickrolld me!! rofl i fall for these everytime lol :P
>>
>> hey u should try sending this to danny i think he'd find it pretty funny!! lol
>>
>>----original message----
>> fr: "Tom Rideout" [clyde_sucks58@hotmail.com]
>> to: "Ross" [bossross123@hotmail.com]
>> re: FWD: FWD: new poll out today
>>
>> ross why are you wasting time with this shouldn't you be doing something useful
>> OH WAIT YOUR USELESS LOL BURRRRRRRRN
>> j/k man your cool this was funny i lol'd
>>
>>
>>----original message----
>> fr: "J. Kennedy" [2_kool_4_skool88@hotmail.com]
>> to: "Ross" [bossross123@hotmail.com]
>> re: stop emailing me
>>
>> i hate you
>>
>>----original message----
>>> fr: "Ross" [bossross123@hotmail.com]
>>> to: "big kenny j" [2_kool_4_skool88@hotmail.com], "Charlene" [newfie_beach_babe99@hotmail.com], "t. rider" [clyde_sucks58@hotmail.com]
>>> re: FWD: new poll out today
>>>
>>> hey guys you should see this, cbc just put out a new poll of our popularity and we got like 95% or something
>>>
>>> here check out the link: CBC POLL SHOWS PCS ARE AWESOME
>>>
>>> i think we should part ourselves on the back 4 this one!!1
>>>
>>>----original message----
>>>> fr: "Ed Byrne" [the_byrnenator@hotmail.com]
>>>> to: "Ross" [bossross123@hotmail.com]
>>>> re: new poll out today
>>>>
>>>> hey ross, you should see this, cbc just released a new poll showing how good you guys are doing, you should probably pass it along to some of the peeps up in cabinet, its at CBC POLL SHOWS PCS ARE AWESOME
>>>>
>>>> anyways hope you guys are doing good way to wreck the LIEberals in the last election lol it ruled
>>>>
>>>> give my props to dan
>>>>
>>>> peace out,
>>>> the byrnenator
------------------------------------
Intriguing.
However, it would be neglectful of me to only focus on the negative emails I found: it also turns out that the Premier is working on projects to ensure our economic success! Just take a look at this covert business deal I discovered that is guaranteed to provide a much-needed influx of cash to this province:
------------------------------------
[03/26/08]
fr: "The Honourable Danny Williams" [dan_da_man1337@hotmail.com]
to: deborah_koffi@terra.com
re: Business Transaction
Dear Mrs. Koffi,
I am sorry to hear about your husband; it really is too bad. That said, thank you for offering me this excellent opportunity. The province of Newfoundland and Labrador is a great place to invest as we are headed for economic prosperity within the near future and now is the time to get in on the ground floor.
After discussing it with my cabinet I have decided that this investment of $2.4 million is exactly what our telecommunications sector needs, and as a result I will gladly accept your offer on behalf of the people of Newfoundland and Labrador.
I'm out of the country currently but as soon as I return I'll email you all the necessary financial information for you to make your deposit. And again, thank you for choosing to invest in the people of Newfoundland and Labrador. You will not be sorry!
Sincerely,
The Honourable Danny Williams
Premier, Newfoundland and Labrador
----original message----
>fr: "Mrs. Deborah Koffi" [kone_nk32@yahoo.com]
>to: dan_da_man1337@hotmail.com
>re: Investment Opportunity
>
>From Mrs Deborah Koffi
>11, Rue des Jean Paul
>Deux-Plateaux
>Côte D'Ivoire.
>
>My Dear,
>
>It is my pleasure to contact you for a business venture which I and my son Rashid intend to establish in your country. Though I have not met with you before but I believe one has to risk confiding to succeed sometimes in life.
>
>I want to confide in you for the brighter future of my son since you are a human being like me. There is this huge amount of two Million Four Hundred Thousand US Dollars. ($2.400.000.00) which my late Husband deposited in a bank here in Cote d' Ivoire before he was assassinated by unknown persons.
>
>Now I and my son Rashid have decided to invest this money in your country or anywhere safe enough for security and political reasons.
>
>We want you to help us to claim this money so that the bank can transfer it into your personal account in your country for investment purposes on these areas:
>
> 1). Telecommunication
> 2). Transport Industry & Equipment Leasing
> 3). Real Estate
>
>If you can be of an assistance to us we will be pleased to offer to you 15% of the total money.
>
>PLEASE,CONSIDER THIS AND GET BACK TO ME AS SOON AS POSSIBLE.THROUGH MY PRIVATE EMAIL BOX
>N/B..IT IS VERY IMPORTANT YOU WRITE ME ON MY PRIVATE EMAIL PROVIDED
BELOW
> (deborah_koffi@terra.com)
>
>
>I await your soonest response.
>
>Respectfully yours,
>Mrs Dborah Koffi.
--------------------------------------
And there you have it. If this is any indication, the only thing the Inquiry is going to find out is that even while on vacation, Danny Williams never stops working for us.
Monday, March 17, 2008
Premier: Stephen Harper Responsible for Winter Storm
Executive Council
March 17th, 2008
Government continued to fight for the betterment of Newfoundlanders and Labradorians today by outing the party responsible for the blizzard currently blasting most of the island portion of the province. Through advanced meteorological and divination techniques known only to the province’s most elite soothsayers, Prime Minister Stephen Harper was determined to have caused the storm.
“Our government has determined that Stephen Harper is actively directing the blizzard that is shutting down most of our province currently,” said the Honourable Premier Danny Williams. “We’re not entirely sure how he is able to control the weather, but we are absolutely certain that he is using this storm to send a message that he is intent on continuing his campaign to undermine this province in all its endeavours.”
The storm began for the eastern part of the province on Monday and is expected to last until sometime Tuesday, dumping as much as 60 cm of snow in some areas. “Monday of course is St. Patrick’s Day, which also indicates to us that Prime Minister Harper likely distrusts the Irish. Quite frankly, I can say we are not at all surprised that the Prime Minister holds such a regressive attitude,” the Premier added.
St. Patrick’s Day is viewed by George Street as one of the biggest nights of the year for business outside of George Street Festival and Mardi Gras. According to a preliminary study by Memorial University economist Greg Locke, the storm is likely to mean lost revenue for the city of St. John’s and by proxy the Province of Newfoundland and Labrador of up to “a lot of money, I guess.”
“Rest assured that the Prime Minister will absolutely not have the last laugh in this situation,” Premier Williams said. “While he may currently have in his possession some kind of advanced weather control device, I have ordered a crack team of archaeologists from Memorial University to retrieve the Ark of the Covenant, which as far as I know is proceeding on a go-forward basis.”
“While we’re waiting, however, I have decided to expand the ABC program to ABCD: ‘Anything But Conservative & Druid.’ Ideally, this will allow the people of the province to send a powerful message to Ottawa and put an end to a government of frauds and black wizards.”
-30-
March 17th, 2008
Government continued to fight for the betterment of Newfoundlanders and Labradorians today by outing the party responsible for the blizzard currently blasting most of the island portion of the province. Through advanced meteorological and divination techniques known only to the province’s most elite soothsayers, Prime Minister Stephen Harper was determined to have caused the storm.
“Our government has determined that Stephen Harper is actively directing the blizzard that is shutting down most of our province currently,” said the Honourable Premier Danny Williams. “We’re not entirely sure how he is able to control the weather, but we are absolutely certain that he is using this storm to send a message that he is intent on continuing his campaign to undermine this province in all its endeavours.”
The storm began for the eastern part of the province on Monday and is expected to last until sometime Tuesday, dumping as much as 60 cm of snow in some areas. “Monday of course is St. Patrick’s Day, which also indicates to us that Prime Minister Harper likely distrusts the Irish. Quite frankly, I can say we are not at all surprised that the Prime Minister holds such a regressive attitude,” the Premier added.
St. Patrick’s Day is viewed by George Street as one of the biggest nights of the year for business outside of George Street Festival and Mardi Gras. According to a preliminary study by Memorial University economist Greg Locke, the storm is likely to mean lost revenue for the city of St. John’s and by proxy the Province of Newfoundland and Labrador of up to “a lot of money, I guess.”
“Rest assured that the Prime Minister will absolutely not have the last laugh in this situation,” Premier Williams said. “While he may currently have in his possession some kind of advanced weather control device, I have ordered a crack team of archaeologists from Memorial University to retrieve the Ark of the Covenant, which as far as I know is proceeding on a go-forward basis.”
“While we’re waiting, however, I have decided to expand the ABC program to ABCD: ‘Anything But Conservative & Druid.’ Ideally, this will allow the people of the province to send a powerful message to Ottawa and put an end to a government of frauds and black wizards.”
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
Alleluia
7 And so it was that Loyola returned to the people with tidings of joy; 2 for he had seen the works of the LORD Most High and had been so commanded to again bring news of His Glory unto them. 3 He went into the holy city of Saint John's and found there a throng of the people in wait for his emissary from the LORD, and he went before them and spoke:
4 "O Peoples of Newfoundland, I bring to you these sacred mysteries of Our Father in Ottawa, who loves you so much as to shower you with gold so that you may fix your bridges for skidooing." 5 The people cheered at first but then grew restless, as many had grown wary of Loyola's prophecies. Ross Wiseman Iscariot was the first to speak, saying:
6 "Why does the LORD send you to preach these things to us as if they are new when they are in fact as old as time itself? Surely this is further proof that your God is not so holy as you say He is!" 7 The people at this point began to get restless and threatened to overwhelm Loyola, who fell to his knees in supplication to the LORD so that his seat may be protected. Suddenly a light from Heaven shone down upon the land and an Angel of the LORD appeared, saying:
8 "Lo! I am the Archangel Peter MacKay, who sits at the left hand of the Father in Ottawa; why do you heap scorn upon this holy man before you? He is a prophet of the LORD and he speaks the truth! Who are you to question His Divine Plan?" 9 And the people did pause to think, and realised that the Archangel Peter MacKay probably had a point. Had the ancient holy men not said it is better to have one prophet in the Cabinet of the LORD than to fill the Shadows with false ones?
10 Now the High Priest of the day was also there in the same crowd and did not follow with the rest of people in their reasoning, saying: 11"Quite frankly, I am not convinced that we are in the favour of the LORD; how can I believe the words of His prophet when He has cursed our Atlantic Covenant so?" 12 The people then again became rowdy, asking similar questions of the holy emissaries. The Archangel Peter MacKay was prepared for this line of questioning and spoke again, saying:
13"You must remember that the LORD moves in mysterious ways; while it may seem that He has dishonoured many of His covenants to the layperson's eye, He has never done any such thing and in fact all his actions are line with the sacred vow of 'promise made, promise kept' He made during His days on Earth before His ascension to the golden mansion of 24 Sussex Drive." 14 But this answer did not satisfy the people or their High Priest, who spoke again, saying:
15"That doesn't make any sense; how can the LORD be said to be progressing on a go-forward basis by consistently doing the opposite of what He vowed to do at an earlier time?" 16 To this the Archangel Peter MacKay stated simply "I have no further comments at this time" and ascended once again into the light of Heaven. The people, seeing this, soon dispersed, for they had learned of late that attempting to understand the rationale behind the holy mysteries of the LORD proved too taxing on the faculties. 17 And Loyola did bend his knees again and praise the LORD, for he knew that he was no longer in danger from the people. He further praised the LORD for the results of the Liberal nomination which had just happened, 18 for as any wise man knows, barring the emergence of a local Open Line host as a candidate in the next election, since Creation it has been a given that incumbent prophets always win contests against those who believe in "best three out of five."
- The Book of Hearn, Chapter 7
4 "O Peoples of Newfoundland, I bring to you these sacred mysteries of Our Father in Ottawa, who loves you so much as to shower you with gold so that you may fix your bridges for skidooing." 5 The people cheered at first but then grew restless, as many had grown wary of Loyola's prophecies. Ross Wiseman Iscariot was the first to speak, saying:
6 "Why does the LORD send you to preach these things to us as if they are new when they are in fact as old as time itself? Surely this is further proof that your God is not so holy as you say He is!" 7 The people at this point began to get restless and threatened to overwhelm Loyola, who fell to his knees in supplication to the LORD so that his seat may be protected. Suddenly a light from Heaven shone down upon the land and an Angel of the LORD appeared, saying:
8 "Lo! I am the Archangel Peter MacKay, who sits at the left hand of the Father in Ottawa; why do you heap scorn upon this holy man before you? He is a prophet of the LORD and he speaks the truth! Who are you to question His Divine Plan?" 9 And the people did pause to think, and realised that the Archangel Peter MacKay probably had a point. Had the ancient holy men not said it is better to have one prophet in the Cabinet of the LORD than to fill the Shadows with false ones?
10 Now the High Priest of the day was also there in the same crowd and did not follow with the rest of people in their reasoning, saying: 11"Quite frankly, I am not convinced that we are in the favour of the LORD; how can I believe the words of His prophet when He has cursed our Atlantic Covenant so?" 12 The people then again became rowdy, asking similar questions of the holy emissaries. The Archangel Peter MacKay was prepared for this line of questioning and spoke again, saying:
13"You must remember that the LORD moves in mysterious ways; while it may seem that He has dishonoured many of His covenants to the layperson's eye, He has never done any such thing and in fact all his actions are line with the sacred vow of 'promise made, promise kept' He made during His days on Earth before His ascension to the golden mansion of 24 Sussex Drive." 14 But this answer did not satisfy the people or their High Priest, who spoke again, saying:
15"That doesn't make any sense; how can the LORD be said to be progressing on a go-forward basis by consistently doing the opposite of what He vowed to do at an earlier time?" 16 To this the Archangel Peter MacKay stated simply "I have no further comments at this time" and ascended once again into the light of Heaven. The people, seeing this, soon dispersed, for they had learned of late that attempting to understand the rationale behind the holy mysteries of the LORD proved too taxing on the faculties. 17 And Loyola did bend his knees again and praise the LORD, for he knew that he was no longer in danger from the people. He further praised the LORD for the results of the Liberal nomination which had just happened, 18 for as any wise man knows, barring the emergence of a local Open Line host as a candidate in the next election, since Creation it has been a given that incumbent prophets always win contests against those who believe in "best three out of five."
- The Book of Hearn, Chapter 7
Friday, February 22, 2008
Much ado about Freudian Slips
It must be a slow week for the Department of Education because apparently Jokegate 2008 is the only issue the Minister of Education has to deal with at the moment.
There isn't much point in repeating myself over the merits of the Minister's complaint, but it's worth pointing out that she's brought up an interesting new point: Hearn's joke about an overweight woman is actually a manifestation of underlying sexism present in the federal Conservative party.
While the federal Tories have made some blatantly regressive policy decisions regarding the status of women in the short time they've been in government ("You can go home guys, women are pretty much equal" - Bev Oda, 2006), the last time Hearn's joke could be considered even remotely edgy or sexist would be sometime in the 1930s, and contrary to what Joan Burke mighthave been told to believe by her bosssay, it really is a leap of faith to assume that because of an incredibly lame joke, Loyola Hearn truly believes women belong barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen as little more than glorified baby-producing machines.
But, all that aside, Joan Burke's comments raise an interesting question: can such seemingly innocuous statements act as Freudian slips to reveal the deepest, darkest secrets of people and governments?
Why don't we take a look:
Statement 1: "...[it involves trying to] balance the responsibility of the patients who needed change and the responsibility of protecting the interests of [Eastern Health] in the event of a litigation." - Health Minister Ross Wiseman referring to why Eastern Health did not inform patients of inaccurate breast cancer test results
BURKEAN SLIP: "We are greedy misogynists." - Health Minister Ross Wiseman
Statement 2: "I think I represent, in my heart and soul, the hearts and souls of Newfoundlanders and Labradorians..." - Premier Danny Williams, explaining why he feels his party enjoys overwhelming popular support
BURKEAN SLIP: "If you vote Liberal, I'll cut you." - Lord Daniel Q. Williams I, God-Emperor of Newfoundland and her colony Labrador
Statement 3: "I think we have a clear example here of a government that does not respect women." - Education Minister Joan Burke, referring to a joke Loyola Hearn made about an overweight woman
BURKEAN SLIP: "God please let the media keep going with this story so I have time to come up with a way to blame the Liberals for stealing information on children or whatever it was that happened and can therefore continue to avoid actually being knowledgeable about my job in any way." - Education Minister Joan "Psychoanalyst" Burke
Of course, this is purely a thought experiment - I mean, I don't think Ross Wiseman is evil so much as he is inept, and I doubt that the Premier intends to put dissenters up against the wall anytime soon.
Joan Burke, however, is definitely clutching at straws here.
Relax, Minister - sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.
There isn't much point in repeating myself over the merits of the Minister's complaint, but it's worth pointing out that she's brought up an interesting new point: Hearn's joke about an overweight woman is actually a manifestation of underlying sexism present in the federal Conservative party.
While the federal Tories have made some blatantly regressive policy decisions regarding the status of women in the short time they've been in government ("You can go home guys, women are pretty much equal" - Bev Oda, 2006), the last time Hearn's joke could be considered even remotely edgy or sexist would be sometime in the 1930s, and contrary to what Joan Burke might
But, all that aside, Joan Burke's comments raise an interesting question: can such seemingly innocuous statements act as Freudian slips to reveal the deepest, darkest secrets of people and governments?
Why don't we take a look:
Statement 1: "...[it involves trying to] balance the responsibility of the patients who needed change and the responsibility of protecting the interests of [Eastern Health] in the event of a litigation." - Health Minister Ross Wiseman referring to why Eastern Health did not inform patients of inaccurate breast cancer test results
BURKEAN SLIP: "We are greedy misogynists." - Health Minister Ross Wiseman
Statement 2: "I think I represent, in my heart and soul, the hearts and souls of Newfoundlanders and Labradorians..." - Premier Danny Williams, explaining why he feels his party enjoys overwhelming popular support
BURKEAN SLIP: "If you vote Liberal, I'll cut you." - Lord Daniel Q. Williams I, God-Emperor of Newfoundland and her colony Labrador
Statement 3: "I think we have a clear example here of a government that does not respect women." - Education Minister Joan Burke, referring to a joke Loyola Hearn made about an overweight woman
BURKEAN SLIP: "God please let the media keep going with this story so I have time to come up with a way to blame the Liberals for stealing information on children or whatever it was that happened and can therefore continue to avoid actually being knowledgeable about my job in any way." - Education Minister Joan "Psychoanalyst" Burke
Of course, this is purely a thought experiment - I mean, I don't think Ross Wiseman is evil so much as he is inept, and I doubt that the Premier intends to put dissenters up against the wall anytime soon.
Joan Burke, however, is definitely clutching at straws here.
Relax, Minister - sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.
Friday, February 15, 2008
We Have Always Been At War With Eastasia
Well it sure has been an intense week here in St. John's as the Premier finally stepped in to decisively state that there's no real problem with Andy Wells keeping his job as mayor and taking the job of chair of th-
Wait, hang on a second, I'm seeing something else here. Wha-
--
Well it sure has been an intense week here in St. John's as the Premier finally stepped in to decisively state that Andy Wells can't keep both his job as mayor of St. John's and the job of chair of the PUB and that it has to be one or the other.
It's very refreshing to see a reminder of the proud, strong and determined will of the Williams Administration every once in a while; as a single-issue voter who was wowed entirely on the Premier's uncompromising stance against Prime Minister Stephen Hitler, no matter how detrimental to provincial-federal relations that may have been, I am pleased to see that the man I helped give a Smallwood-esque mandate will not crack in the face of public pressure or otherwise waffle on his stances.
I mean, if he had, someone in the media would have called him on it, right?
...right?
Wait, hang on a second, I'm seeing something else here. Wha-
--
Well it sure has been an intense week here in St. John's as the Premier finally stepped in to decisively state that Andy Wells can't keep both his job as mayor of St. John's and the job of chair of the PUB and that it has to be one or the other.
It's very refreshing to see a reminder of the proud, strong and determined will of the Williams Administration every once in a while; as a single-issue voter who was wowed entirely on the Premier's uncompromising stance against Prime Minister Stephen Hitler, no matter how detrimental to provincial-federal relations that may have been, I am pleased to see that the man I helped give a Smallwood-esque mandate will not crack in the face of public pressure or otherwise waffle on his stances.
I mean, if he had, someone in the media would have called him on it, right?
...right?
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
Selling out is hard to do
Or, if you're the provincial government, apparently it's quite easy.
Yes, it would appear that the new equalization formula which has been variously decried as scandalous, a betrayal, valueless, and an overall insult to Newfoundland and Labrador has been signed by the government. Even the Fighting Newfoundlander must throw in the towel on some matches, and certainly this was a battle where the odds weren't in the province's favour. Despite the Premier promising just a short while ago that he was ready for a "new round of fighting," it looks like we'll all be going home, disappointed and sober, after the first round.
To some, this might look like a capitulation of Six Day War proportions; to others it'll resemble more of a Chamberlain-like compromise. In actuality, it's more of the latter; despite very strong implications and overtones of "never give in, never surrender" in the Premier's rhetoric since March, he avoided making any sort of definite statement a la Stephenville Mill with regards to the adoption of the equalisation formula. In Williams' own words, this is a sell out.
Politics, of course, is all about conflict, compromise, and the occasional flip-flop. This is nothing new, and this sort of quietly changing the course is a staple of almost every time a government has ever loudly fought a battle it couldn't win.
However, it's the fact that this is nothing new that's precisely the problem. The Premier and his government have built themselves up as the Fighting Newfoundlanders, eschewing the old ways of doing politics that have gotten the province so far in the hole and let our resources be exploited to the brink of no return; this is a Premier that promised to "stay the course" on getting our fair share and doing not only what is best, but what is right for the people of this province; above all, this is a Premier and a government that have proclaimed, on a large number of occasions, that there will be no more giveaways. And, as they should rightly do for that sort of representation, the province gave this government a positively monolithic mandate.
What we've got now, today, with the signing of the new equalisation formula, is a de facto admission that the new politics and new hope for change promised by the Premier was in fact simply rhetoric. A Fighting Newfoundlander who gives up when the going gets rough; a captain who is only steady at the wheel in calm weather, and who will avoid the risks of uncharted waters in exchange for a smooth, if rather lackluster, ride; a sudden switch to pragmatism from principle because it's "what's best for the province."
The actual mechanics and costs vs. benefits of this deal are essentially irrelevant (although it bears repeating that both the government and the economists who've looked at it have dismissed its worth) at this point, because ultimately what this deal means to the people of this province is that we're just getting more of the "politics of mediocrity" that the Tories vowed to do away with.
And unfortunately, that means that the credibility of the Leviathan we elected is the only joke in this entire entry.
Yes, it would appear that the new equalization formula which has been variously decried as scandalous, a betrayal, valueless, and an overall insult to Newfoundland and Labrador has been signed by the government. Even the Fighting Newfoundlander must throw in the towel on some matches, and certainly this was a battle where the odds weren't in the province's favour. Despite the Premier promising just a short while ago that he was ready for a "new round of fighting," it looks like we'll all be going home, disappointed and sober, after the first round.
To some, this might look like a capitulation of Six Day War proportions; to others it'll resemble more of a Chamberlain-like compromise. In actuality, it's more of the latter; despite very strong implications and overtones of "never give in, never surrender" in the Premier's rhetoric since March, he avoided making any sort of definite statement a la Stephenville Mill with regards to the adoption of the equalisation formula. In Williams' own words, this is a sell out.
Politics, of course, is all about conflict, compromise, and the occasional flip-flop. This is nothing new, and this sort of quietly changing the course is a staple of almost every time a government has ever loudly fought a battle it couldn't win.
However, it's the fact that this is nothing new that's precisely the problem. The Premier and his government have built themselves up as the Fighting Newfoundlanders, eschewing the old ways of doing politics that have gotten the province so far in the hole and let our resources be exploited to the brink of no return; this is a Premier that promised to "stay the course" on getting our fair share and doing not only what is best, but what is right for the people of this province; above all, this is a Premier and a government that have proclaimed, on a large number of occasions, that there will be no more giveaways. And, as they should rightly do for that sort of representation, the province gave this government a positively monolithic mandate.
What we've got now, today, with the signing of the new equalisation formula, is a de facto admission that the new politics and new hope for change promised by the Premier was in fact simply rhetoric. A Fighting Newfoundlander who gives up when the going gets rough; a captain who is only steady at the wheel in calm weather, and who will avoid the risks of uncharted waters in exchange for a smooth, if rather lackluster, ride; a sudden switch to pragmatism from principle because it's "what's best for the province."
The actual mechanics and costs vs. benefits of this deal are essentially irrelevant (although it bears repeating that both the government and the economists who've looked at it have dismissed its worth) at this point, because ultimately what this deal means to the people of this province is that we're just getting more of the "politics of mediocrity" that the Tories vowed to do away with.
And unfortunately, that means that the credibility of the Leviathan we elected is the only joke in this entire entry.
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
True Grit
Well, it's official - Gerry Reid has stepped down as leader of the Liberal Party. I'm sure there is a joke in here about Mr. Negativity saying "no" to keeping his job, but since we're all conservatives now post-October 9th I'm sure you can pull yourselves up by your bootstraps and make it yourselves.
This shouldn't come as a surprising development for anyone, of course - it was painfully obvious watching the man over the past year that he didn't want the job of Opposition Leader. And who could blame him? Personally, I wouldn't want to meet the man who was eager to play the part of Judas in what is very much Danny Williams' passion play. That, and his decision to step down should have been obvious to anyone who heard his concession speech, during which his emotional display ranged somewhere between "winning the lottery" and "holding your child for the first time."
Speaking of passion plays, the Premier, in his infinite mercy and compassion, doled out praise for Reid in his performance as the Moriarty to his Holmes; apparently underneath the vendetta politics and accusations of being a totally incompetent, ineffective and useless Opposition Leader who would destroy the province if elected Premier, there were actually no hard feelings on Danny's side of things and Reid really wasn't as bad as previously depicted. If I hadn't decided at twelve that the only appropriate emotional response to my first breakup was to become cold, detached and dead inside, this display ofhypocrisynon-partisan goodwill would bring a tear to my eye.
Reid's accomplishments (or lack thereof, depending on your political orientation) as Opposition Leader aside, his decision to step down is a pretty intelligent one. Personally, as alluded to, it not only allows him to be done with the thankless job of criticizing the most popular Premier since Joey, but also to finally enjoy the pension that is the raison d'etre for most of the PC backbenchers elected a month ago.
That said, the downside to Gerry Reid throwing in the towel is that this allows the rest of the old guard to step into the ring again for another shot at getting the blood money entitled to Judas. Not surprisingly, John Efford is still jumping at the opportunity formoresome public attention, and though there isn't much discussion about it in the press, Danny Dumaresque's appetite for power and glory isn't exactly a secret. I would honestly be less surprised to learn that these men are actually in the employ of the PCs to try and keep the Liberals down rather than genuinely trying to make the party work.
And therein lies the true brilliance of Gerry Reid's curtain call - say what you will about him, but he's not stupid. The "New Liberalism" theme was thrown around alot on the campaign trail, but in the end it was little more than a cheap air freshener hanging from the rearview mirror of a campaign bus reeking something fierce; Reid is fully aware of this, and is equally aware of the fact that no one in this province will want to ride the Liberal bus come next election if they try to cover that stench with a few spurts of Febreeze.
No, the only way the Liberals will get rid of that smell is to take out the trash once and for all.
This shouldn't come as a surprising development for anyone, of course - it was painfully obvious watching the man over the past year that he didn't want the job of Opposition Leader. And who could blame him? Personally, I wouldn't want to meet the man who was eager to play the part of Judas in what is very much Danny Williams' passion play. That, and his decision to step down should have been obvious to anyone who heard his concession speech, during which his emotional display ranged somewhere between "winning the lottery" and "holding your child for the first time."
Speaking of passion plays, the Premier, in his infinite mercy and compassion, doled out praise for Reid in his performance as the Moriarty to his Holmes; apparently underneath the vendetta politics and accusations of being a totally incompetent, ineffective and useless Opposition Leader who would destroy the province if elected Premier, there were actually no hard feelings on Danny's side of things and Reid really wasn't as bad as previously depicted. If I hadn't decided at twelve that the only appropriate emotional response to my first breakup was to become cold, detached and dead inside, this display of
Reid's accomplishments (or lack thereof, depending on your political orientation) as Opposition Leader aside, his decision to step down is a pretty intelligent one. Personally, as alluded to, it not only allows him to be done with the thankless job of criticizing the most popular Premier since Joey, but also to finally enjoy the pension that is the raison d'etre for most of the PC backbenchers elected a month ago.
That said, the downside to Gerry Reid throwing in the towel is that this allows the rest of the old guard to step into the ring again for another shot at getting the blood money entitled to Judas. Not surprisingly, John Efford is still jumping at the opportunity for
And therein lies the true brilliance of Gerry Reid's curtain call - say what you will about him, but he's not stupid. The "New Liberalism" theme was thrown around alot on the campaign trail, but in the end it was little more than a cheap air freshener hanging from the rearview mirror of a campaign bus reeking something fierce; Reid is fully aware of this, and is equally aware of the fact that no one in this province will want to ride the Liberal bus come next election if they try to cover that stench with a few spurts of Febreeze.
No, the only way the Liberals will get rid of that smell is to take out the trash once and for all.
Monday, October 8, 2007
Election 2007 Primer: What You Need To Know
As you all know, tomorrow is finally time to cast our votes and have all the politicians shut up and go back to ignoring us for another four years. In light of this, I felt it was necessary to give this brief reminder that there is a key issue in this election that no one has yet touched upon.
You could even say that it could be the deciding factor for where we should be casting our ballots tomorrow.
If you're still in any way undecided about tomorrow, of if you're harbouring any lingering doubts about the candidate to whom you've tentatively pledged your vote, just remember this:
You can't spell Danny Williams without Slimy Anal Wind.
Someone once said that all of life's wisdom can be revealed through anagrams, for anagrams never lie.
Think about that on your way to the polling booth tomorrow.
In the meantime, I shall see you all tomorrow evening once we've passed through the veil into a brave new world that will likely resemble the one we've got now except the Premier will probably take a few more seats, unless something magical happens and the Liberals take those 6-12 seats that some people have been whispering about.
Until then, of course, may the best men, women, and, in a couple cases around the metro region, children, win. Regardless of what happens, here is to another four years of hilariously absurd governance in Newfoundland and Labrador!
You could even say that it could be the deciding factor for where we should be casting our ballots tomorrow.
If you're still in any way undecided about tomorrow, of if you're harbouring any lingering doubts about the candidate to whom you've tentatively pledged your vote, just remember this:
You can't spell Danny Williams without Slimy Anal Wind.
Someone once said that all of life's wisdom can be revealed through anagrams, for anagrams never lie.
Think about that on your way to the polling booth tomorrow.
In the meantime, I shall see you all tomorrow evening once we've passed through the veil into a brave new world that will likely resemble the one we've got now except the Premier will probably take a few more seats, unless something magical happens and the Liberals take those 6-12 seats that some people have been whispering about.
Until then, of course, may the best men, women, and, in a couple cases around the metro region, children, win. Regardless of what happens, here is to another four years of hilariously absurd governance in Newfoundland and Labrador!
Monday, October 1, 2007
Time Keeps on Slipping
Yes I know what you're thinking - a political blog in the midst of an election that never updates is a pretty pathetic thing. And I will agree with you, although in my defence apparently working in politics means you get really busy with real life job-related things during election season as opposed to yelling about things on the internet, and also I may or may not have met a wonderful woman who is making it very difficult for me to be a bitter, broken shell of a man online. I'm kind of bitter about that aspect, though, so maybe this cycle will sort of work itself out later.
Anyways fortunately enough this election has been really bizarre in the sense that not a whole lot of noteworthy events have really been constantly happening but the things that have made the news are just short of scriptedly-absurd. I mean, we haven't quite reached the "Dick Cheney shoots a man in the face" level of just-add-water political satire but my God we can't be far off. Personally I washopingexpecting poor Gerry Reid to haul off and punch the Premier in the face during the debate but that is another story entirely.
So, since I have been unfortunately absent from the internet for too long so far I'm going to attempt and cover my bases by providing the Reader's Digest Condensed NL Election Campaign 2007 Lexicon And Run-On Sentence Extravaganza! I hope you like rehashed 2-week old jokes because that is what you're all in for!
And so, without further ado:
1. Leader's Debate 2007 or How Fred Hutton learned to stop trying to keep order and just kind of roll with it
I am not even able to exaggerate when I write the following sentence: that was the worst hour of television I have ever experienced in my life. It was painful. But it wasn't painful in any sort of partisan sense - every leader's performance was cringe-worthy in its own special way. Lorraine Michaels looked like she was doped up full of Vicodin or something, and in between trying to feign excitement for possibly running 37 whole candidates in the election and uttering the phrase "well, I don't really know if we'd do a better job than the Liberals" I kind of hope she was really high or something, because if not then that party is in much harder shape than originally thought.
Meanwhile, poor Gerry Reid sounded like he was jonesing something awful the whole time, and while he managed to drop a few ice burns on Danny Williams ("You haven't done anything for rural Newfoundland and you know it!" and "Well, I'd like to comment on the MOU but that would require the Premier to have released some details about it to the public" were some of the more memorable ones) they were lost when he and the Premier engaged in a shouting match reminiscent of a bad divorce.
Speaking of the Premier, I really hope someone sent him a memo regarding posture. I mean, I understand that his slouching in over the podium was probably meant to send the message that Danny Williams is a pretty cool guy you could just go grab a beer with and it would be all casual-like but instead he just looked incredibly smug. Like, the kind of smug that you only get from your six-year-old nephew who willfully destroys your old and incredibly valuable baseball cards but you're the only one who sees him and so his mother yells at you for being some kind of monster for daring to suggest that her little angel could do something and while she's busy hauling him away muttering about how this is why you will die friendless and alone he gives you this look like he knows that he can get away with whatever he wants without suffering any negative consequences - that was the attitude the Premier had throughout that entire debate.
To make a long story short, I guess, I'd rather read a Dan Brown novel than sit through that debate again. Yes, it really was that bad.
2. Danny Williams is such a nice guy he'll give you a thousand dollars to have unprotected sex!
This has been beaten to death but really it is worth mentioning again as it is one of the worst ideas ever. I mean this is a terrible idea on tons of levels, but even if you skip over the fact that this is only appealing to people in situations of endemic poverty who are all out of options, or the fact that these birth bribes as a method of population growth didn't even work for the Nazis, you're still left with the fundamental problem of not having enough jobs for their parents or even the children whenever they grow up. The best way to keep people in the province is probably to create jobs or something like that but hey we got that MOU so construction on the eighty thousand oil rigs are going to start in the fall, right?
All this aside, if there are any attractive ladies out there in internetland feel free to drop me a line and go halfs on a baby or something, because I could totally go for 500 free dollars.
3. "What health care crisis? ...oh, shi-"
As someone all too familiar with Grand Falls I probably found it a lot funnier than I should have that it would be the site of one of Williams' more amusing moments of the election, but the image of Danny saying "You can't be serious" when told just how bad the hospital situation will forever be etched in my mind. It leaves almost a little hope that maybe Danny really is up there doing his best and his ministers are actually hiding this stuff from him so he doesn't look bad, but then you remember that even if that was the case instead of the Punch-and-Judy puppetshow that is the Williams administration then its still pretty sad that the premier would be so clueless as to the state of the healthcare system to be pretty shocked by actually going to a hospital beyond the overpass. What was it he said about St. John's being neglected? Also, saying that the hospital will be standing in line with deteriorating schools and roads was a nice touch too. That's cool, I'd rather die from lupus while being treated for the flu than hit a pothole, too.
Of course, there is a lot left to the election (read: 8 days) and ideally I will be able to cover things as they develop rather than assault the English language and break your scroll button every other week so we will see how it goes. Things you can expect to be on the agenda of business which could be considered serious:
- Election Predictions 2007: The Roland Butler Appreciation Station and I am going to hope, for the sake of the future of political comedy in this province, that the Natural Resources Minister is beaten by a 20 year old political science major
- An in-depth analysis of why this election is quickly turning into a contest to see which party is made up of the least people from St. John's
- And other hard-hitting reporting on Election 2007 as it develops, etc.
Remember, folks: if it happens in the election season, you'll hear it at Serious Businessfirstlike twelfth or something!
Anyways fortunately enough this election has been really bizarre in the sense that not a whole lot of noteworthy events have really been constantly happening but the things that have made the news are just short of scriptedly-absurd. I mean, we haven't quite reached the "Dick Cheney shoots a man in the face" level of just-add-water political satire but my God we can't be far off. Personally I was
So, since I have been unfortunately absent from the internet for too long so far I'm going to attempt and cover my bases by providing the Reader's Digest Condensed NL Election Campaign 2007 Lexicon And Run-On Sentence Extravaganza! I hope you like rehashed 2-week old jokes because that is what you're all in for!
And so, without further ado:
1. Leader's Debate 2007 or How Fred Hutton learned to stop trying to keep order and just kind of roll with it
I am not even able to exaggerate when I write the following sentence: that was the worst hour of television I have ever experienced in my life. It was painful. But it wasn't painful in any sort of partisan sense - every leader's performance was cringe-worthy in its own special way. Lorraine Michaels looked like she was doped up full of Vicodin or something, and in between trying to feign excitement for possibly running 37 whole candidates in the election and uttering the phrase "well, I don't really know if we'd do a better job than the Liberals" I kind of hope she was really high or something, because if not then that party is in much harder shape than originally thought.
Meanwhile, poor Gerry Reid sounded like he was jonesing something awful the whole time, and while he managed to drop a few ice burns on Danny Williams ("You haven't done anything for rural Newfoundland and you know it!" and "Well, I'd like to comment on the MOU but that would require the Premier to have released some details about it to the public" were some of the more memorable ones) they were lost when he and the Premier engaged in a shouting match reminiscent of a bad divorce.
Speaking of the Premier, I really hope someone sent him a memo regarding posture. I mean, I understand that his slouching in over the podium was probably meant to send the message that Danny Williams is a pretty cool guy you could just go grab a beer with and it would be all casual-like but instead he just looked incredibly smug. Like, the kind of smug that you only get from your six-year-old nephew who willfully destroys your old and incredibly valuable baseball cards but you're the only one who sees him and so his mother yells at you for being some kind of monster for daring to suggest that her little angel could do something and while she's busy hauling him away muttering about how this is why you will die friendless and alone he gives you this look like he knows that he can get away with whatever he wants without suffering any negative consequences - that was the attitude the Premier had throughout that entire debate.
To make a long story short, I guess, I'd rather read a Dan Brown novel than sit through that debate again. Yes, it really was that bad.
2. Danny Williams is such a nice guy he'll give you a thousand dollars to have unprotected sex!
This has been beaten to death but really it is worth mentioning again as it is one of the worst ideas ever. I mean this is a terrible idea on tons of levels, but even if you skip over the fact that this is only appealing to people in situations of endemic poverty who are all out of options, or the fact that these birth bribes as a method of population growth didn't even work for the Nazis, you're still left with the fundamental problem of not having enough jobs for their parents or even the children whenever they grow up. The best way to keep people in the province is probably to create jobs or something like that but hey we got that MOU so construction on the eighty thousand oil rigs are going to start in the fall, right?
All this aside, if there are any attractive ladies out there in internetland feel free to drop me a line and go halfs on a baby or something, because I could totally go for 500 free dollars.
3. "What health care crisis? ...oh, shi-"
As someone all too familiar with Grand Falls I probably found it a lot funnier than I should have that it would be the site of one of Williams' more amusing moments of the election, but the image of Danny saying "You can't be serious" when told just how bad the hospital situation will forever be etched in my mind. It leaves almost a little hope that maybe Danny really is up there doing his best and his ministers are actually hiding this stuff from him so he doesn't look bad, but then you remember that even if that was the case instead of the Punch-and-Judy puppetshow that is the Williams administration then its still pretty sad that the premier would be so clueless as to the state of the healthcare system to be pretty shocked by actually going to a hospital beyond the overpass. What was it he said about St. John's being neglected? Also, saying that the hospital will be standing in line with deteriorating schools and roads was a nice touch too. That's cool, I'd rather die from lupus while being treated for the flu than hit a pothole, too.
Of course, there is a lot left to the election (read: 8 days) and ideally I will be able to cover things as they develop rather than assault the English language and break your scroll button every other week so we will see how it goes. Things you can expect to be on the agenda of business which could be considered serious:
- Election Predictions 2007: The Roland Butler Appreciation Station and I am going to hope, for the sake of the future of political comedy in this province, that the Natural Resources Minister is beaten by a 20 year old political science major
- An in-depth analysis of why this election is quickly turning into a contest to see which party is made up of the least people from St. John's
- And other hard-hitting reporting on Election 2007 as it develops, etc.
Remember, folks: if it happens in the election season, you'll hear it at Serious Business
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
Oh god not this guy again
I know what you're thinking - just when you thought it was safe to turn off your sarcasm radar some poor fool at Aliant flipped a switch and unleashed upon the internet a Pandora's Box of irreverent snark ("relevant content" is what was left behind in the box if you want me to finish the allusion). Consider this blog like the Churchill Falls deal; everyone wishes it would just go away but it won't and it will be damned if you're going to forget about it.
Anyways with the election campaign just around the corner I figured this would be prime time to actually re-establish a connection with the outside world. Elections are like the Stanley Cup playoffs for me, and since I don't watch hockey I need to find some way to vent about deficient players and which team captains should be fired and how most of the time the referees are making calls that are mindblowingly terrible. I'd go on about the similarities between hockey and politics but that would require me to actually know anything about hockey, so I'll stop here because this digression has just gotten outrageous.
Assuming the people who might be reading this follow current events, I'm sure by now you're well aware of the government's new energy plan which was released yesterday. While this move is sure to please the large demographic of people (this includes candidates in the upcoming election, just so you know) in this province who can't tell the difference between an MOU and a deal that has construction on oil rigs starting next week and who also cannot be bothered to actually read anything the government releases, I think it should be worth at least a glance over. While I again freely admit that I am no economist, I have given it a few runthroughs and have managed to draw up a very succinct flowchart of Williams' new plan:
Step 1. Insist on 10% equity stake in any oil development
Step 2. Mention development of Lower Churchill
Step 3. ???
Step 4. Profit
(Ten points if you catch the reference)
If I'm not mistaken, I believe it was pseudo-philosopher and right-wing czarina Ayn Rand who once said "Throughout the centuries there were men who took the first steps down new roads armed with nothing but their own vision." While our premier probably isn't an Objectivist, it would probably be for the best if he'd share the actual mechanics of his great vision with the rest of us - if there is anything history and campy 80s horror films have taught us, it's that not having a roadmap always ends terribly with either Quebec owning your electricity or a man in a William Shatner mask trying to tear open your car door.
(Or I guess you could combine those two metaphors and wind up with something like "Quebec is the William Shatner of Canada" but then I think saying something like that might constitute a hate crime.)
Anyways with the election campaign just around the corner I figured this would be prime time to actually re-establish a connection with the outside world. Elections are like the Stanley Cup playoffs for me, and since I don't watch hockey I need to find some way to vent about deficient players and which team captains should be fired and how most of the time the referees are making calls that are mindblowingly terrible. I'd go on about the similarities between hockey and politics but that would require me to actually know anything about hockey, so I'll stop here because this digression has just gotten outrageous.
Assuming the people who might be reading this follow current events, I'm sure by now you're well aware of the government's new energy plan which was released yesterday. While this move is sure to please the large demographic of people (this includes candidates in the upcoming election, just so you know) in this province who can't tell the difference between an MOU and a deal that has construction on oil rigs starting next week and who also cannot be bothered to actually read anything the government releases, I think it should be worth at least a glance over. While I again freely admit that I am no economist, I have given it a few runthroughs and have managed to draw up a very succinct flowchart of Williams' new plan:
Step 1. Insist on 10% equity stake in any oil development
Step 2. Mention development of Lower Churchill
Step 3. ???
Step 4. Profit
(Ten points if you catch the reference)
If I'm not mistaken, I believe it was pseudo-philosopher and right-wing czarina Ayn Rand who once said "Throughout the centuries there were men who took the first steps down new roads armed with nothing but their own vision." While our premier probably isn't an Objectivist, it would probably be for the best if he'd share the actual mechanics of his great vision with the rest of us - if there is anything history and campy 80s horror films have taught us, it's that not having a roadmap always ends terribly with either Quebec owning your electricity or a man in a William Shatner mask trying to tear open your car door.
(Or I guess you could combine those two metaphors and wind up with something like "Quebec is the William Shatner of Canada" but then I think saying something like that might constitute a hate crime.)
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
You see Black and White, but I see Red
Gentle readers, before I begin on any sort of dissertation on this fine day I must apologise for my unannounced hiatus; moving around St. John's is a hassle when it has to be done incrementally, and it's also really hard to post things on the internet when you're without internet. I know your lives revolve around my occasional updates so I'm trying to rectify the problem as soon as possible - in the meantime, I suggest you finish that knitting project you've been putting off.
Anyways, I was moved to venture out towards a public internet terminal because I've been noticing a curious infestation in the city here as of late.
It would appear that the city of St. John's has contracted a sudden case of Liberals.
Well, federal Liberals, at least. The party has apparently selected St. John's as the host city for their National Caucus events this year, and all the Liberal MPs and Senators have come out in force to apparently take in our wonderful scenery such as the vertical streets and The Bubble.
I'm not sure how far in advance this National Caucus bit is planned, but I can't say I'm especially surprised that the Red Army has chosen to set up camp here for the week; it's a safe bet that Newfoundland and Labrador is the national capital of anti-Tory sentiment at the moment, and because this province will never vote NDP without a gun to its head, assumedly the Liberals recognise that we will likely go entirely red in the next federal election and are most likely going to prod us in that direction over the coming days, weeks and months.
This, of course, is a pretty easy thing for Stephane Dion and his compatriots to do. Much to the chagrin of their provincial counterparts, the federal Liberal party can very easily sidle up with Danny Williams and his ~80% approval rating, and being who they are can also tap into this province's natural vitriol for Stephen Harper. For the Liberals, this is like the Grand Banks except instead of cod it is votes and the Premier is like a magical vote-collecting factory trawler (think Theodore Tugboat) and all they've got to do is rubber stamp his approval to collect all the votes until they run out and there is a moratorium declared and all the votes leave for Alberta and oh God the post-traumatic stress disorder is back and-
Ahem.
But is it really that strange for the Liberal Party of Canada to endorse a provincial Tory premier? Vote-garnering political rationality aside, the logic for such a move really does run a little deeper than it might first appear. Federally, politics is largely driven along more ideological lines; you can see a distinction between the centre-left Liberals and the more neo-conservative Conservatives - it's not quite as stark as the constrast between the Democrats and Republicans who wage war for control of the imperial palace to the south, but it's definitely there.
Not so much in provincial politics, however; in Newfoundland and Labrador, at least, we operate on a much more pragmatic basis, and there isn't really a strong overarching ideological theme to the parties here - we kind of just do what seems like a good idea at the time. Liberals and Liberals because their fathers and grandfathers were, and likewise with the Tories; this is why we've got this weird situation where Liberal premiers will make cuts to the public service and Tory premiers will insist on a (at least partial) nationalisation of natural resources and industries.
So, think about it - if you really look at what he's doing, is Premier Williams seem like more of a neocon ala Harper or did he actually know what he was talking about when he called himself a 'Red Tory' last year? While this is admittedly just a pet theory of mine, it's not entirely inconceivable that in another place and another time, Danny Williams might have been a federal MP flying under the banner of the Liberal Party of Canada. I mean, he's obviously got that fiscally conservative streak about him, but wasn't one Mr. Martin once fitted with that description? (Speaking of Martin, he should somewhere within the city limits of St. John's as I write this - I hear he likes to party, so make sure you bring your camera to George Street tonight.)
So in that sense, when Stephane Dion has a meeting with the Premier about economic issues or provincial Liberal MPs come out with reactions to Williams ranging from 'endorsement' to 'praise', it's not just to score political points here in the province - it may be because these kissing cousins legitimately see eye to eye on the issues.
Mmm, that's good food for thought. On that note, I'm off to go dig my camera out of a box and go out on a safari for some of Canada's political quasi-celebrities. If anyone catches a shot of Belinda Stronach, make sure to mail it to me so I canfinish building my shrine to her in my closet showcase your photographic talent on the Internet!
And with that, we now return you to your regularly scheduled hiatus.
Anyways, I was moved to venture out towards a public internet terminal because I've been noticing a curious infestation in the city here as of late.
It would appear that the city of St. John's has contracted a sudden case of Liberals.
Well, federal Liberals, at least. The party has apparently selected St. John's as the host city for their National Caucus events this year, and all the Liberal MPs and Senators have come out in force to apparently take in our wonderful scenery such as the vertical streets and The Bubble.
I'm not sure how far in advance this National Caucus bit is planned, but I can't say I'm especially surprised that the Red Army has chosen to set up camp here for the week; it's a safe bet that Newfoundland and Labrador is the national capital of anti-Tory sentiment at the moment, and because this province will never vote NDP without a gun to its head, assumedly the Liberals recognise that we will likely go entirely red in the next federal election and are most likely going to prod us in that direction over the coming days, weeks and months.
This, of course, is a pretty easy thing for Stephane Dion and his compatriots to do. Much to the chagrin of their provincial counterparts, the federal Liberal party can very easily sidle up with Danny Williams and his ~80% approval rating, and being who they are can also tap into this province's natural vitriol for Stephen Harper. For the Liberals, this is like the Grand Banks except instead of cod it is votes and the Premier is like a magical vote-collecting factory trawler (think Theodore Tugboat) and all they've got to do is rubber stamp his approval to collect all the votes until they run out and there is a moratorium declared and all the votes leave for Alberta and oh God the post-traumatic stress disorder is back and-
Ahem.
But is it really that strange for the Liberal Party of Canada to endorse a provincial Tory premier? Vote-garnering political rationality aside, the logic for such a move really does run a little deeper than it might first appear. Federally, politics is largely driven along more ideological lines; you can see a distinction between the centre-left Liberals and the more neo-conservative Conservatives - it's not quite as stark as the constrast between the Democrats and Republicans who wage war for control of the imperial palace to the south, but it's definitely there.
Not so much in provincial politics, however; in Newfoundland and Labrador, at least, we operate on a much more pragmatic basis, and there isn't really a strong overarching ideological theme to the parties here - we kind of just do what seems like a good idea at the time. Liberals and Liberals because their fathers and grandfathers were, and likewise with the Tories; this is why we've got this weird situation where Liberal premiers will make cuts to the public service and Tory premiers will insist on a (at least partial) nationalisation of natural resources and industries.
So, think about it - if you really look at what he's doing, is Premier Williams seem like more of a neocon ala Harper or did he actually know what he was talking about when he called himself a 'Red Tory' last year? While this is admittedly just a pet theory of mine, it's not entirely inconceivable that in another place and another time, Danny Williams might have been a federal MP flying under the banner of the Liberal Party of Canada. I mean, he's obviously got that fiscally conservative streak about him, but wasn't one Mr. Martin once fitted with that description? (Speaking of Martin, he should somewhere within the city limits of St. John's as I write this - I hear he likes to party, so make sure you bring your camera to George Street tonight.)
So in that sense, when Stephane Dion has a meeting with the Premier about economic issues or provincial Liberal MPs come out with reactions to Williams ranging from 'endorsement' to 'praise', it's not just to score political points here in the province - it may be because these kissing cousins legitimately see eye to eye on the issues.
Mmm, that's good food for thought. On that note, I'm off to go dig my camera out of a box and go out on a safari for some of Canada's political quasi-celebrities. If anyone catches a shot of Belinda Stronach, make sure to mail it to me so I can
And with that, we now return you to your regularly scheduled hiatus.
Friday, August 24, 2007
8/22 Never Forget
Stop for a second and take a deep breath.
Can't you taste the difference in the air? I knew it as soon as I awoke yesterday morning. Things were different.
We are officially living in a post-MOU world, and nothing will ever be the same.
I mean, its not a legally binding agreement, and we have very few details other than that it is the greatest deal in the history of time (or at least since Europeans traded smallpox for North America in the 17th century), but still. It's the thought that counts.
However, like all earth-shattering events that may or may not happen in the future, our new post-MOU world raises important questions. Namely, whether or not we'll have an Opposition on October 10th, or even if we need one.
Bill Rowe has been abusing the word 'juggernaut' over the past few days in talking about the Williams government machine, and as much as he is in desperate need of a thesaurus, he has a very good point; Williams may as well attach a steamroller to the front of his RV. Obviously, this throws some doubt on future existence of an Opposition party for the next 4 years or so.
This question of democracy comes on the heels of this wonderous deal-to-probably-make-a-deal and the Premier's intentions to not set it before the legislature for any kind of vote or examination of the details. But don't take my word for it:
Can't you taste the difference in the air? I knew it as soon as I awoke yesterday morning. Things were different.
We are officially living in a post-MOU world, and nothing will ever be the same.
I mean, its not a legally binding agreement, and we have very few details other than that it is the greatest deal in the history of time (or at least since Europeans traded smallpox for North America in the 17th century), but still. It's the thought that counts.
However, like all earth-shattering events that may or may not happen in the future, our new post-MOU world raises important questions. Namely, whether or not we'll have an Opposition on October 10th, or even if we need one.
Bill Rowe has been abusing the word 'juggernaut' over the past few days in talking about the Williams government machine, and as much as he is in desperate need of a thesaurus, he has a very good point; Williams may as well attach a steamroller to the front of his RV. Obviously, this throws some doubt on future existence of an Opposition party for the next 4 years or so.
This question of democracy comes on the heels of this wonderous deal-to-probably-make-a-deal and the Premier's intentions to not set it before the legislature for any kind of vote or examination of the details. But don't take my word for it:
"I hadn't even considered [bringing the details before the legislature] quite frankly[...][The opposition] would probably carry government in on their shoulders and pass it with a blink … This deal, is such a good deal for the government of Newfoundland and Labrador, that ratification wouldn't be an issue."The current question of the future of the Opposition in this province has divided the province into two key camps:
- Premier Danny Williams, according to CBC.ca
- Those people who love Danny Williams and who believe he can do no wrong but think there should be an Opposition there just to prove democractically that he can actually do no wrong; and,
- Those people who love Danny Williams and believe he can do no wrong so there is no real reason to have an Opposition anyways because it will only slow down Danny's progress (made on a go-forward basis)
The best exemplary of this view was expressed by Minister Kathy Dunderdale calling into VOCM's BackTalk yesterday afternoon to reassure us that we don't need to be worried about the future of our democracy if/when the PCs win all 48 seats in the province.
Her rationale for this came in two major points. After reiterating that August 22nd was the greatest day in the history of the province, she first asserted that Premier Williams legitimately is Newfoundland's Messiah by informing us that:
"He is such a consensus builder [...] everyone in government is on the same page when we go into the House [...] he's such a visionary and I'm very excited and grateful to be working along with him."
- Kathy Dunderdale
With the memory of Fabian Manning and crab fishermen haunting my dreams, I was extremely worried that some MHAs may dissent with the Premier. I'm sure you can imagine my relief to find out that Danny Williams is committed to making sure everyone on his side of the House has the exact same position on every issue as he does. It's good to know that a 100% majority of PCs in the province would move as fast as possible to make Danny's visions a reality.
Secondly, and more importantly, the Minister made the same argument that most pro-Blue Flood indivduals have made on the airwaves: namely, that the current Opposition is basically useless and accomplishes nothing anyways, so by having no Opposition nothing will change at all (except that things will get better because Danny will get things done even faster).
This argument makes perfect sense. The Opposition has been too busy nitpicking silly things like transparency issues over fibre-optic cables or which government officials knew what about hormone test problems or whether or not selling FPI was handled properly. Most of the time the Opposition itself has admitted these are good ideas anyways, so why should we elect them again just to stand in the way of great progress? If there is one thing that history has shown, it's that when good ideas are involved, un-checked governments are physically incapable of acting in a corrupt manner.
So when the government says that getting our MOU was a beautiful, historic day for this province, they were right. Whether or not the deal ultimately turns out in a few years to be as marvellous as we're told or not (I'm not an economist, I only play one on television), that is not the real reason for the Premier's giddiness on Wednesday.
What was really happening at that press conference was a pulic approval-rating sanction to turn government up on Warp 9 in reshaping the province as our Prophet-in-Chief sees fit by any means so long as its "a good idea".
So remember where you were at noon on August 22nd, 2007: the day democracy in Newfoundland and Labrador became obsolete.
Friday, August 10, 2007
Negotiator? But I barely know 'er!
It would appear that some earlier musings by some news outlets have actually come to fruition today, as negotiations over the development of Hebron have formally resumed.
I'm still a little puzzled about the point of it these negotiations resuming again, because the Premier has made it very clear that his position has not changed, and if that wasn't good enough for the oil companies a year ago why would the situation change in any way whatsoever? Of course, I freely admit that I am relatively ignorant of the inner workings of oil industry negotiations, and also that I suffer from a crippling lack of faith in the sheer economic might of the Glorious Empire of Newfoundland (and its colony Labrador) and the leverage it gives us to bring Big Oil to its knees. But I digress; unlike some other bloggers I'm not here to talk economics, I'm here to mocktalk politics.
Let's assume that the Premier is going to continue to be famously consistent (despite what some of you heretics might be trying to imply) and that his statements on government's position going into negotiations with Big Oil can be taken very seriously. Using a mystical and arcane divination technique of reading Tarot cards laid out on a Ouija Board placed in the centre of an indian burial ground at midnight, I have come up with the following detailed list of the events which will transpire in the current round of negotiations:
- August 10th, 2007: formal negotiations between the government of NL and Big Oil begin again
- August 30th, 2007: Danny Williams appears before an investor's luncheon in St. John's to inform them that "we are making some real headway on Hebron" and that a deal is definitely possibly in the works
- September 17th, 2007: Premier Williams launches the "official" election campaign of the PC party; appears on the steps of Confederation Building to make a speech, a large portion of which is devoted to assuring us that "the government and Big Oil definitely have some common ground through which a deal will definitely have some chance of eventually forming"
- October 7th, 2007: on the eve of the eve of Election Day the government issues a flurry of news releases to inform the public that talks over Hebron have broken new ground thanks to the Premier and that a deal is very likely on the immediate horizon; Premier Williams is praised as a great negotiator who can roll with the big companies in getting the deals
- October 9th, 2007: Election Day 2007 happens, the Williams government wins 49 seats; so many people wanted to vote PC they create an extra seat at the last minute so his majority could be larger
- October 10th, 2007: Premier Williams announces Big Oil is being totally unreasonable in their demands, negotiations break down and the oil companies are kicked out of the province; the Premier appears atop the steps in the St. John's airport to proclaim "I told you, no more giveaways on my watch!" to cheering throngs of people; Danny Williams is praised as the greatest negotiator in the history of time
- November 14th, 2007: Danny Williams pulls a Brian Tobin, cites "quitting while I'm ahead"; Tom Rideout becomes Premier again, replaces Cabot Tower with a giant statue of Danny Williams giving the finger in the direction of Ottawa; Clyde Wells is exiled to St. Helena
- October 8th, 2011: Election Day 2011 occurs; the 17 people still living in the province give the Liberals a landslide majority after they promise to negotiate with oil companies rather than the current PC policy of shooting oil executives on sight
- October 9th, 2011: Liberals sell province to Exxon Mobil, use the money to get the Upper Churchill back only to sell it away again for less; First Church of Danny Williams opens in Fort MacMurray
Okay, I mean I know I got a little off-track there towards the end but the powers that be could not contain themselves in showing me where the current round of negotiations over Hebron would take us.
And while some of you may doubt my foresight, I am so confident in my predictions that if the following set of events does not come to pass, I will personally ignore this entry and continue on with my life in an attempt to downplay the embarassment of being a debunked psychic though it will fail miserably and I will perish a broken alcoholic in a gutter somewhere down near George Street.
And that's my personal guarantee.
Monday, August 6, 2007
Fanfare for the Common Man
I was busy working away on some mysterious and sexy confidential projects when BackTalk comes on and Bill Rowe is voicing his outrage about some backroom worker in the PMO. Specifically, that it is totally unacceptable for some unelected official from Ottawa to level criticism at an elected provincial Premier who represents all of us.
Thank God we have Bill Rowe out there fighting the good fight. How dare some unelected backroom policy wonk from central Canada belittle Danny Williams by making unreasonable demands like "[the Premier] should have his facts straight before being critical [of Harper]." (I'm paraphrasing here, but, that is the gist of it.)
What kind of world do we live in where people not from our province who have never been elected can point out possible flaws in our Premier (validity of their argument or lack thereof notwithstanding)? I'm surprised Bill even mentioned this on the air, such shocking allegations have been scientifically proven to cause the virgin ears of children to bleed uncontrollably. My hands are shaking and my blood has run cold at the mere thought that some punk kid in Ottawa could possibly suggest that Danny Williams would have to stoop to engaging in mundane dealings like needing a rational basis for things he says. I mean, the man was elected.
Bill was right when he said that regardless of political opinions or partisan stripe, Danny Williams is our Premier and he represents us at all times, across the country and internationally. Not only does this mean we essentially must agree with him at all times, but also when someone calls into question his methods or stance or opinion or even his fashion sense they are in fact insulting every Newfoundlander and Labradorian that has ever lived, is living now and ever will live. And that's just unacceptable.
As for Stephen Harper being elected as the Prime Minister of Canada and deserving the same kind of respect as someone we should agree with at all times and never criticise, that doesn't apply to him for several reasons - you can pick your own justification(s):
I know that sometimes Bill Rowe gets a hard time from some of you guys but I really and honestly do believe that he is right on the issues and that his opinions are the most clever and insightful I have ever heard expressed publicly - he doesn't let this sort of pressing problem slip through the cracks. I mean otherwise all those hacks and/or traitors (I'm looking at you, Liberal Party of Newfoundland and Labrador) would be able to say whatever they want about our Dear Leader and we all know that criticism of the government is just totally egregious for a developed democratic society.
I don't care what all you unbelievers say. Bill Rowe is truly the Voice of the Common Man.
Thank God we have Bill Rowe out there fighting the good fight. How dare some unelected backroom policy wonk from central Canada belittle Danny Williams by making unreasonable demands like "[the Premier] should have his facts straight before being critical [of Harper]." (I'm paraphrasing here, but, that is the gist of it.)
What kind of world do we live in where people not from our province who have never been elected can point out possible flaws in our Premier (validity of their argument or lack thereof notwithstanding)? I'm surprised Bill even mentioned this on the air, such shocking allegations have been scientifically proven to cause the virgin ears of children to bleed uncontrollably. My hands are shaking and my blood has run cold at the mere thought that some punk kid in Ottawa could possibly suggest that Danny Williams would have to stoop to engaging in mundane dealings like needing a rational basis for things he says. I mean, the man was elected.
Bill was right when he said that regardless of political opinions or partisan stripe, Danny Williams is our Premier and he represents us at all times, across the country and internationally. Not only does this mean we essentially must agree with him at all times, but also when someone calls into question his methods or stance or opinion or even his fashion sense they are in fact insulting every Newfoundlander and Labradorian that has ever lived, is living now and ever will live. And that's just unacceptable.
As for Stephen Harper being elected as the Prime Minister of Canada and deserving the same kind of respect as someone we should agree with at all times and never criticise, that doesn't apply to him for several reasons - you can pick your own justification(s):
- He broke his promise on the Atlantic Accord and therefore people who work with him can also never be trusted; this is in contrast with Premier Williams, who has never broken a promise, ever
- Canada is a foreign country which oppresses Newfoundlanders and sells our children into slavery and so Harper is basically Hitler (their last names even have the same number of letters and both start with 'H'...I mean use your heads here people)
- Because Danny said so
I know that sometimes Bill Rowe gets a hard time from some of you guys but I really and honestly do believe that he is right on the issues and that his opinions are the most clever and insightful I have ever heard expressed publicly - he doesn't let this sort of pressing problem slip through the cracks. I mean otherwise all those hacks and/or traitors (I'm looking at you, Liberal Party of Newfoundland and Labrador) would be able to say whatever they want about our Dear Leader and we all know that criticism of the government is just totally egregious for a developed democratic society.
I don't care what all you unbelievers say. Bill Rowe is truly the Voice of the Common Man.
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