Reason: Not sufficiently proud, strong, or determined.
Showing posts with label Why Yes This Is A Real Press Release. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Why Yes This Is A Real Press Release. Show all posts
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
Thursday, July 3, 2008
The Richard Raleigh Spin/Approval Matrix
Apparently, according to a local political scientist, Tom Rideout's exodus from politics won't hurt Danny Williams politically.
Fascinating.
All the real political scientists at MUN must have been out on summer vacation or writing some esoteric journal articles they could later tout smugly at academic conferences, because Mr. Temelini doesn't really seem to have any deep or poignant insight to offer on the topic.
To anyone who has been paying attention to provincial politics since 2005, this development isn't really a surprise; if the findings of the Cameron Inquiry didn't make the Premier's approval rating falter on its ascension to 90+, then his cartoonishly villainous attempts to discredit the process probably should have. Naturally, of course, this didn't happen, because that would make sense, and this is Newfoundland and Labrador.
This leaves us with only one reasonable thought on the topic: if none of this will hurt the Premier's poll ratings, what will?
Allow me to soothe all your curiousities - in harkening back to the skills I learned as a young, wide-eyed and idealistic political science undergraduate, I have constructed this handy reference list. These conclusions are highly scientific so feel free to cite them in casual or professional conversation, as the knowledge they imparts will make you the envy of your friends and co-workers!
THE RICHARD RALEIGH SPIN/APPROVAL MATRIX
SCANDAL: Danny Williams steals candy from small child and/or infant
EFFECT: Child spun as to be from the mainland and the candy was Purity brand, Premier seen as standing up to the feds and getting 'our fair share', approval rating +2%
SCANDAL: Danny Williams crosses floor at the House of Assembly, punches out Roland Butler
EFFECT: Premier seen across the province as "total badass", young children abandon backyard wrestling to re-enact Question Period thus creating new generation of career politicians, clip appears on YouTube overdubbed with the solo from Metallica's "One"; approval rating goes to 99%
SCANDAL: Danny Williams revealed to worship Satan and perform ritual human sacrifice
EFFECT: Premier uses dark magicks to erase the memories of everyone in the province like an arcane version of the flashing stick in Men In Black, approval rating still goes up 1%
SCANDAL: Danny Williams' Viper runs red light, kills cyclist
EFFECT: Running red light spun as the Premier always working on a go-forward basis for the people of this province, killing a cyclist with luxury car spun as not allowing development of properous oil industry to be hampered by burdensome environmental regulations; approval +6%
SCANDAL: Danny Williams involved in sex scandal with subordinate(s)
EFFECT: Approval ratings increase in accordance to how public ranks the woman in question on a scale of 1-10; an increase of at least 8% is assumed
SCANDAL: John Efford becomes leader of the Liberals
EFFECT: Premier's approval ratings drop drastically as people realise Efford would be a greahahahahahaha I can't even finish this sentence
-------------------------------
Rick Hillier, if you're reading this, yes, I am interested in becoming the new head of Memorial's political science department, thank you for asking!
Fascinating.
All the real political scientists at MUN must have been out on summer vacation or writing some esoteric journal articles they could later tout smugly at academic conferences, because Mr. Temelini doesn't really seem to have any deep or poignant insight to offer on the topic.
To anyone who has been paying attention to provincial politics since 2005, this development isn't really a surprise; if the findings of the Cameron Inquiry didn't make the Premier's approval rating falter on its ascension to 90+, then his cartoonishly villainous attempts to discredit the process probably should have. Naturally, of course, this didn't happen, because that would make sense, and this is Newfoundland and Labrador.
This leaves us with only one reasonable thought on the topic: if none of this will hurt the Premier's poll ratings, what will?
Allow me to soothe all your curiousities - in harkening back to the skills I learned as a young, wide-eyed and idealistic political science undergraduate, I have constructed this handy reference list. These conclusions are highly scientific so feel free to cite them in casual or professional conversation, as the knowledge they imparts will make you the envy of your friends and co-workers!
THE RICHARD RALEIGH SPIN/APPROVAL MATRIX
SCANDAL: Danny Williams steals candy from small child and/or infant
EFFECT: Child spun as to be from the mainland and the candy was Purity brand, Premier seen as standing up to the feds and getting 'our fair share', approval rating +2%
SCANDAL: Danny Williams crosses floor at the House of Assembly, punches out Roland Butler
EFFECT: Premier seen across the province as "total badass", young children abandon backyard wrestling to re-enact Question Period thus creating new generation of career politicians, clip appears on YouTube overdubbed with the solo from Metallica's "One"; approval rating goes to 99%
SCANDAL: Danny Williams revealed to worship Satan and perform ritual human sacrifice
EFFECT: Premier uses dark magicks to erase the memories of everyone in the province like an arcane version of the flashing stick in Men In Black, approval rating still goes up 1%
SCANDAL: Danny Williams' Viper runs red light, kills cyclist
EFFECT: Running red light spun as the Premier always working on a go-forward basis for the people of this province, killing a cyclist with luxury car spun as not allowing development of properous oil industry to be hampered by burdensome environmental regulations; approval +6%
SCANDAL: Danny Williams involved in sex scandal with subordinate(s)
EFFECT: Approval ratings increase in accordance to how public ranks the woman in question on a scale of 1-10; an increase of at least 8% is assumed
SCANDAL: John Efford becomes leader of the Liberals
EFFECT: Premier's approval ratings drop drastically as people realise Efford would be a greahahahahahaha I can't even finish this sentence
-------------------------------
Rick Hillier, if you're reading this, yes, I am interested in becoming the new head of Memorial's political science department, thank you for asking!
Thursday, April 3, 2008
The Lost Emails
In case you've been living under a rock for the past year or so, the Cameron Inquiry is fully underway into the breast cancer fiasco currently rocking the Provincial government.
The most recent development that is making the headlines right this second relates to a number of newly discovered emails that may or may shed some light on when exactly it was that Danny first found out about this whole mess.
Of course, most of these emails are being scoured from the archives of emails sent on the government network. While this is all well and good, a truly ethical and well-respected journalist such as myself note: not actually a real journalist knows that in order to really blow the lid of this scandal the place you'd want to look is the Premier's personal email account, because if he was going to write anything down that was even half-incriminating about anything at all ever, it would be there.
So, I did the honourable thing and used my insider knowledge of government secrets and ELITE TECHNOLOGICAL PROWESSTM to find and crack open the account and get a glimpse at the Premier's hotmail conversations. What I found, once I weeded through absurd amounts of spam, was astonishing.
Here, unedited, are two shocking exchanges between the Premier and the health minister(s) that I uncovered in my investigation. I will present them to you without any further commentary so you can make up your mind as to its true significance on your own:
-----------------------------------
[07/05/05]
fr: "The Honourable Danny Williams" [dan_da_man1337@hotmail.com]
to: "John Boy" [ottenheimer777@hotmail.com]
re: re: where are you
the reason im ignoring you is because we are trying to organise a giant conspiracy here to swindle the public and your RUINING IT by sending me emails about it in a way that can be publicly accessed YOU IDIOT
god i didnt think it was possible but your more useless than ross
i was going to help you on this but now since you have made me angry i am going to make you take the fall if/when this breaks
you know
because i am an all powerful puppetmaster and i PULL ALL THE STRINGS AND DONT YOU FORGET IT
- d
ps. yeah man i saw big brother the other night!! you should get in our pool, its gonna be pretty good (im gonna win tho :P)
----original message----
fr: "John Boy" [ottenheimer777@hotmail.com]
to: "The Honourable Danny Williams" [dan_da_man1337@hotmail.com]
re: where are you
okay seriously danny what is the deal here ive sent your office like 40 million emails already about this eastern health thing, what am i supposed to do?!?!
man ive tried messaging you on your myspace a bunch but you arent replying, get back to me man i need your advice on what my legal and political options are because apparently i am incapable of figuring it out myself despite the fact that i am the minister and also a lawyer!!
anyways did you see big brother the other night?? haha it was crazy!
-----------------------------------
-----------------------------------
[11/23/07]
fr: "The Honourable Danny Williams" [dan_da_man1337@hotmail.com]
to: "Ross" [bossross123@hotmail.com]
re: FWD: FWD: FWD: new poll out today
GOD DAMMIT ROSS IF YOUR GOING TO DO THIS THEN AT LEAST DO IT RIGHT AND DONT RUIN THE JOKE BY FORWARDING ALL YOUR EMAILS TO ME HOW HARD IS IT TO JUST HIT SEND AND NOT FORWARD ALL
GOD IM SURROUNDED BY IDIOTS
AND WHILE WERE ON THE TOPIC IF YOU SEND ME A LINK TO GOATSE ONE MORE TIME I SWEAR TO GOD TERRY FRENCH IS GETTING YOUR JOB DONT THINK IM KIDDING ILL DO IT DONT MESS WITH ME
----original message----
> fr: "Ross" [bossross123@hotmail.com]
> to: "The Honourable Danny Williams" [dan_da_man1337@hotmail.com]
> re: FWD: FWD: FWD: new poll out today
>
> hey dan have u seen this cbc just did a new poll on our popularity and we got 96%!!1
>
> heres the link u should check it out: CBC POLL SHOWS PCS ARE AWESOME
>
> pretty good job for us dont u think??
>
>----original message----
>> fr: "Charlene" [newfie_beach_babe99@hotmail.com]
>> to: "Ross" [bossross123@hotmail.com]
>> re: FWD: FWD: new poll out today
>>
>> lol ross i cant believe u rickrolld me!! rofl i fall for these everytime lol :P
>>
>> hey u should try sending this to danny i think he'd find it pretty funny!! lol
>>
>>----original message----
>> fr: "Tom Rideout" [clyde_sucks58@hotmail.com]
>> to: "Ross" [bossross123@hotmail.com]
>> re: FWD: FWD: new poll out today
>>
>> ross why are you wasting time with this shouldn't you be doing something useful
>> OH WAIT YOUR USELESS LOL BURRRRRRRRN
>> j/k man your cool this was funny i lol'd
>>
>>
>>----original message----
>> fr: "J. Kennedy" [2_kool_4_skool88@hotmail.com]
>> to: "Ross" [bossross123@hotmail.com]
>> re: stop emailing me
>>
>> i hate you
>>
>>----original message----
>>> fr: "Ross" [bossross123@hotmail.com]
>>> to: "big kenny j" [2_kool_4_skool88@hotmail.com], "Charlene" [newfie_beach_babe99@hotmail.com], "t. rider" [clyde_sucks58@hotmail.com]
>>> re: FWD: new poll out today
>>>
>>> hey guys you should see this, cbc just put out a new poll of our popularity and we got like 95% or something
>>>
>>> here check out the link: CBC POLL SHOWS PCS ARE AWESOME
>>>
>>> i think we should part ourselves on the back 4 this one!!1
>>>
>>>----original message----
>>>> fr: "Ed Byrne" [the_byrnenator@hotmail.com]
>>>> to: "Ross" [bossross123@hotmail.com]
>>>> re: new poll out today
>>>>
>>>> hey ross, you should see this, cbc just released a new poll showing how good you guys are doing, you should probably pass it along to some of the peeps up in cabinet, its at CBC POLL SHOWS PCS ARE AWESOME
>>>>
>>>> anyways hope you guys are doing good way to wreck the LIEberals in the last election lol it ruled
>>>>
>>>> give my props to dan
>>>>
>>>> peace out,
>>>> the byrnenator
------------------------------------
Intriguing.
However, it would be neglectful of me to only focus on the negative emails I found: it also turns out that the Premier is working on projects to ensure our economic success! Just take a look at this covert business deal I discovered that is guaranteed to provide a much-needed influx of cash to this province:
------------------------------------
[03/26/08]
fr: "The Honourable Danny Williams" [dan_da_man1337@hotmail.com]
to: deborah_koffi@terra.com
re: Business Transaction
Dear Mrs. Koffi,
I am sorry to hear about your husband; it really is too bad. That said, thank you for offering me this excellent opportunity. The province of Newfoundland and Labrador is a great place to invest as we are headed for economic prosperity within the near future and now is the time to get in on the ground floor.
After discussing it with my cabinet I have decided that this investment of $2.4 million is exactly what our telecommunications sector needs, and as a result I will gladly accept your offer on behalf of the people of Newfoundland and Labrador.
I'm out of the country currently but as soon as I return I'll email you all the necessary financial information for you to make your deposit. And again, thank you for choosing to invest in the people of Newfoundland and Labrador. You will not be sorry!
Sincerely,
The Honourable Danny Williams
Premier, Newfoundland and Labrador
----original message----
>fr: "Mrs. Deborah Koffi" [kone_nk32@yahoo.com]
>to: dan_da_man1337@hotmail.com
>re: Investment Opportunity
>
>From Mrs Deborah Koffi
>11, Rue des Jean Paul
>Deux-Plateaux
>Côte D'Ivoire.
>
>My Dear,
>
>It is my pleasure to contact you for a business venture which I and my son Rashid intend to establish in your country. Though I have not met with you before but I believe one has to risk confiding to succeed sometimes in life.
>
>I want to confide in you for the brighter future of my son since you are a human being like me. There is this huge amount of two Million Four Hundred Thousand US Dollars. ($2.400.000.00) which my late Husband deposited in a bank here in Cote d' Ivoire before he was assassinated by unknown persons.
>
>Now I and my son Rashid have decided to invest this money in your country or anywhere safe enough for security and political reasons.
>
>We want you to help us to claim this money so that the bank can transfer it into your personal account in your country for investment purposes on these areas:
>
> 1). Telecommunication
> 2). Transport Industry & Equipment Leasing
> 3). Real Estate
>
>If you can be of an assistance to us we will be pleased to offer to you 15% of the total money.
>
>PLEASE,CONSIDER THIS AND GET BACK TO ME AS SOON AS POSSIBLE.THROUGH MY PRIVATE EMAIL BOX
>N/B..IT IS VERY IMPORTANT YOU WRITE ME ON MY PRIVATE EMAIL PROVIDED
BELOW
> (deborah_koffi@terra.com)
>
>
>I await your soonest response.
>
>Respectfully yours,
>Mrs Dborah Koffi.
--------------------------------------
And there you have it. If this is any indication, the only thing the Inquiry is going to find out is that even while on vacation, Danny Williams never stops working for us.
The most recent development that is making the headlines right this second relates to a number of newly discovered emails that may or may shed some light on when exactly it was that Danny first found out about this whole mess.
Of course, most of these emails are being scoured from the archives of emails sent on the government network. While this is all well and good, a truly ethical and well-respected journalist such as myself note: not actually a real journalist knows that in order to really blow the lid of this scandal the place you'd want to look is the Premier's personal email account, because if he was going to write anything down that was even half-incriminating about anything at all ever, it would be there.
So, I did the honourable thing and used my insider knowledge of government secrets and ELITE TECHNOLOGICAL PROWESSTM to find and crack open the account and get a glimpse at the Premier's hotmail conversations. What I found, once I weeded through absurd amounts of spam, was astonishing.
Here, unedited, are two shocking exchanges between the Premier and the health minister(s) that I uncovered in my investigation. I will present them to you without any further commentary so you can make up your mind as to its true significance on your own:
-----------------------------------
[07/05/05]
fr: "The Honourable Danny Williams" [dan_da_man1337@hotmail.com]
to: "John Boy" [ottenheimer777@hotmail.com]
re: re: where are you
the reason im ignoring you is because we are trying to organise a giant conspiracy here to swindle the public and your RUINING IT by sending me emails about it in a way that can be publicly accessed YOU IDIOT
god i didnt think it was possible but your more useless than ross
i was going to help you on this but now since you have made me angry i am going to make you take the fall if/when this breaks
you know
because i am an all powerful puppetmaster and i PULL ALL THE STRINGS AND DONT YOU FORGET IT
- d
ps. yeah man i saw big brother the other night!! you should get in our pool, its gonna be pretty good (im gonna win tho :P)
----original message----
fr: "John Boy" [ottenheimer777@hotmail.com]
to: "The Honourable Danny Williams" [dan_da_man1337@hotmail.com]
re: where are you
okay seriously danny what is the deal here ive sent your office like 40 million emails already about this eastern health thing, what am i supposed to do?!?!
man ive tried messaging you on your myspace a bunch but you arent replying, get back to me man i need your advice on what my legal and political options are because apparently i am incapable of figuring it out myself despite the fact that i am the minister and also a lawyer!!
anyways did you see big brother the other night?? haha it was crazy!
-----------------------------------
-----------------------------------
[11/23/07]
fr: "The Honourable Danny Williams" [dan_da_man1337@hotmail.com]
to: "Ross" [bossross123@hotmail.com]
re: FWD: FWD: FWD: new poll out today
GOD DAMMIT ROSS IF YOUR GOING TO DO THIS THEN AT LEAST DO IT RIGHT AND DONT RUIN THE JOKE BY FORWARDING ALL YOUR EMAILS TO ME HOW HARD IS IT TO JUST HIT SEND AND NOT FORWARD ALL
GOD IM SURROUNDED BY IDIOTS
AND WHILE WERE ON THE TOPIC IF YOU SEND ME A LINK TO GOATSE ONE MORE TIME I SWEAR TO GOD TERRY FRENCH IS GETTING YOUR JOB DONT THINK IM KIDDING ILL DO IT DONT MESS WITH ME
----original message----
> fr: "Ross" [bossross123@hotmail.com]
> to: "The Honourable Danny Williams" [dan_da_man1337@hotmail.com]
> re: FWD: FWD: FWD: new poll out today
>
> hey dan have u seen this cbc just did a new poll on our popularity and we got 96%!!1
>
> heres the link u should check it out: CBC POLL SHOWS PCS ARE AWESOME
>
> pretty good job for us dont u think??
>
>----original message----
>> fr: "Charlene" [newfie_beach_babe99@hotmail.com]
>> to: "Ross" [bossross123@hotmail.com]
>> re: FWD: FWD: new poll out today
>>
>> lol ross i cant believe u rickrolld me!! rofl i fall for these everytime lol :P
>>
>> hey u should try sending this to danny i think he'd find it pretty funny!! lol
>>
>>----original message----
>> fr: "Tom Rideout" [clyde_sucks58@hotmail.com]
>> to: "Ross" [bossross123@hotmail.com]
>> re: FWD: FWD: new poll out today
>>
>> ross why are you wasting time with this shouldn't you be doing something useful
>> OH WAIT YOUR USELESS LOL BURRRRRRRRN
>> j/k man your cool this was funny i lol'd
>>
>>
>>----original message----
>> fr: "J. Kennedy" [2_kool_4_skool88@hotmail.com]
>> to: "Ross" [bossross123@hotmail.com]
>> re: stop emailing me
>>
>> i hate you
>>
>>----original message----
>>> fr: "Ross" [bossross123@hotmail.com]
>>> to: "big kenny j" [2_kool_4_skool88@hotmail.com], "Charlene" [newfie_beach_babe99@hotmail.com], "t. rider" [clyde_sucks58@hotmail.com]
>>> re: FWD: new poll out today
>>>
>>> hey guys you should see this, cbc just put out a new poll of our popularity and we got like 95% or something
>>>
>>> here check out the link: CBC POLL SHOWS PCS ARE AWESOME
>>>
>>> i think we should part ourselves on the back 4 this one!!1
>>>
>>>----original message----
>>>> fr: "Ed Byrne" [the_byrnenator@hotmail.com]
>>>> to: "Ross" [bossross123@hotmail.com]
>>>> re: new poll out today
>>>>
>>>> hey ross, you should see this, cbc just released a new poll showing how good you guys are doing, you should probably pass it along to some of the peeps up in cabinet, its at CBC POLL SHOWS PCS ARE AWESOME
>>>>
>>>> anyways hope you guys are doing good way to wreck the LIEberals in the last election lol it ruled
>>>>
>>>> give my props to dan
>>>>
>>>> peace out,
>>>> the byrnenator
------------------------------------
Intriguing.
However, it would be neglectful of me to only focus on the negative emails I found: it also turns out that the Premier is working on projects to ensure our economic success! Just take a look at this covert business deal I discovered that is guaranteed to provide a much-needed influx of cash to this province:
------------------------------------
[03/26/08]
fr: "The Honourable Danny Williams" [dan_da_man1337@hotmail.com]
to: deborah_koffi@terra.com
re: Business Transaction
Dear Mrs. Koffi,
I am sorry to hear about your husband; it really is too bad. That said, thank you for offering me this excellent opportunity. The province of Newfoundland and Labrador is a great place to invest as we are headed for economic prosperity within the near future and now is the time to get in on the ground floor.
After discussing it with my cabinet I have decided that this investment of $2.4 million is exactly what our telecommunications sector needs, and as a result I will gladly accept your offer on behalf of the people of Newfoundland and Labrador.
I'm out of the country currently but as soon as I return I'll email you all the necessary financial information for you to make your deposit. And again, thank you for choosing to invest in the people of Newfoundland and Labrador. You will not be sorry!
Sincerely,
The Honourable Danny Williams
Premier, Newfoundland and Labrador
----original message----
>fr: "Mrs. Deborah Koffi" [kone_nk32@yahoo.com]
>to: dan_da_man1337@hotmail.com
>re: Investment Opportunity
>
>From Mrs Deborah Koffi
>11, Rue des Jean Paul
>Deux-Plateaux
>Côte D'Ivoire.
>
>My Dear,
>
>It is my pleasure to contact you for a business venture which I and my son Rashid intend to establish in your country. Though I have not met with you before but I believe one has to risk confiding to succeed sometimes in life.
>
>I want to confide in you for the brighter future of my son since you are a human being like me. There is this huge amount of two Million Four Hundred Thousand US Dollars. ($2.400.000.00) which my late Husband deposited in a bank here in Cote d' Ivoire before he was assassinated by unknown persons.
>
>Now I and my son Rashid have decided to invest this money in your country or anywhere safe enough for security and political reasons.
>
>We want you to help us to claim this money so that the bank can transfer it into your personal account in your country for investment purposes on these areas:
>
> 1). Telecommunication
> 2). Transport Industry & Equipment Leasing
> 3). Real Estate
>
>If you can be of an assistance to us we will be pleased to offer to you 15% of the total money.
>
>PLEASE,CONSIDER THIS AND GET BACK TO ME AS SOON AS POSSIBLE.THROUGH MY PRIVATE EMAIL BOX
>N/B..IT IS VERY IMPORTANT YOU WRITE ME ON MY PRIVATE EMAIL PROVIDED
BELOW
> (deborah_koffi@terra.com)
>
>
>I await your soonest response.
>
>Respectfully yours,
>Mrs Dborah Koffi.
--------------------------------------
And there you have it. If this is any indication, the only thing the Inquiry is going to find out is that even while on vacation, Danny Williams never stops working for us.
Monday, March 17, 2008
Premier: Stephen Harper Responsible for Winter Storm
Executive Council
March 17th, 2008
Government continued to fight for the betterment of Newfoundlanders and Labradorians today by outing the party responsible for the blizzard currently blasting most of the island portion of the province. Through advanced meteorological and divination techniques known only to the province’s most elite soothsayers, Prime Minister Stephen Harper was determined to have caused the storm.
“Our government has determined that Stephen Harper is actively directing the blizzard that is shutting down most of our province currently,” said the Honourable Premier Danny Williams. “We’re not entirely sure how he is able to control the weather, but we are absolutely certain that he is using this storm to send a message that he is intent on continuing his campaign to undermine this province in all its endeavours.”
The storm began for the eastern part of the province on Monday and is expected to last until sometime Tuesday, dumping as much as 60 cm of snow in some areas. “Monday of course is St. Patrick’s Day, which also indicates to us that Prime Minister Harper likely distrusts the Irish. Quite frankly, I can say we are not at all surprised that the Prime Minister holds such a regressive attitude,” the Premier added.
St. Patrick’s Day is viewed by George Street as one of the biggest nights of the year for business outside of George Street Festival and Mardi Gras. According to a preliminary study by Memorial University economist Greg Locke, the storm is likely to mean lost revenue for the city of St. John’s and by proxy the Province of Newfoundland and Labrador of up to “a lot of money, I guess.”
“Rest assured that the Prime Minister will absolutely not have the last laugh in this situation,” Premier Williams said. “While he may currently have in his possession some kind of advanced weather control device, I have ordered a crack team of archaeologists from Memorial University to retrieve the Ark of the Covenant, which as far as I know is proceeding on a go-forward basis.”
“While we’re waiting, however, I have decided to expand the ABC program to ABCD: ‘Anything But Conservative & Druid.’ Ideally, this will allow the people of the province to send a powerful message to Ottawa and put an end to a government of frauds and black wizards.”
-30-
March 17th, 2008
Government continued to fight for the betterment of Newfoundlanders and Labradorians today by outing the party responsible for the blizzard currently blasting most of the island portion of the province. Through advanced meteorological and divination techniques known only to the province’s most elite soothsayers, Prime Minister Stephen Harper was determined to have caused the storm.
“Our government has determined that Stephen Harper is actively directing the blizzard that is shutting down most of our province currently,” said the Honourable Premier Danny Williams. “We’re not entirely sure how he is able to control the weather, but we are absolutely certain that he is using this storm to send a message that he is intent on continuing his campaign to undermine this province in all its endeavours.”
The storm began for the eastern part of the province on Monday and is expected to last until sometime Tuesday, dumping as much as 60 cm of snow in some areas. “Monday of course is St. Patrick’s Day, which also indicates to us that Prime Minister Harper likely distrusts the Irish. Quite frankly, I can say we are not at all surprised that the Prime Minister holds such a regressive attitude,” the Premier added.
St. Patrick’s Day is viewed by George Street as one of the biggest nights of the year for business outside of George Street Festival and Mardi Gras. According to a preliminary study by Memorial University economist Greg Locke, the storm is likely to mean lost revenue for the city of St. John’s and by proxy the Province of Newfoundland and Labrador of up to “a lot of money, I guess.”
“Rest assured that the Prime Minister will absolutely not have the last laugh in this situation,” Premier Williams said. “While he may currently have in his possession some kind of advanced weather control device, I have ordered a crack team of archaeologists from Memorial University to retrieve the Ark of the Covenant, which as far as I know is proceeding on a go-forward basis.”
“While we’re waiting, however, I have decided to expand the ABC program to ABCD: ‘Anything But Conservative & Druid.’ Ideally, this will allow the people of the province to send a powerful message to Ottawa and put an end to a government of frauds and black wizards.”
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