March 17th, 2008
Government continued to fight for the betterment of Newfoundlanders and Labradorians today by outing the party responsible for the blizzard currently blasting most of the island portion of the province. Through advanced meteorological and divination techniques known only to the province’s most elite soothsayers, Prime Minister Stephen Harper was determined to have caused the storm.
“Our government has determined that Stephen Harper is actively directing the blizzard that is shutting down most of our province currently,” said the Honourable Premier Danny Williams. “We’re not entirely sure how he is able to control the weather, but we are absolutely certain that he is using this storm to send a message that he is intent on continuing his campaign to undermine this province in all its endeavours.”
The storm began for the eastern part of the province on Monday and is expected to last until sometime Tuesday, dumping as much as 60 cm of snow in some areas. “Monday of course is St. Patrick’s Day, which also indicates to us that Prime Minister Harper likely distrusts the Irish. Quite frankly, I can say we are not at all surprised that the Prime Minister holds such a regressive attitude,” the Premier added.
St. Patrick’s Day is viewed by George Street as one of the biggest nights of the year for business outside of George Street Festival and Mardi Gras. According to a preliminary study by Memorial University economist Greg Locke, the storm is likely to mean lost revenue for the city of St. John’s and by proxy the Province of Newfoundland and Labrador of up to “a lot of money, I guess.”
“Rest assured that the Prime Minister will absolutely not have the last laugh in this situation,” Premier Williams said. “While he may currently have in his possession some kind of advanced weather control device, I have ordered a crack team of archaeologists from Memorial University to retrieve the Ark of the Covenant, which as far as I know is proceeding on a go-forward basis.”
“While we’re waiting, however, I have decided to expand the ABC program to ABCD: ‘Anything But Conservative & Druid.’ Ideally, this will allow the people of the province to send a powerful message to Ottawa and put an end to a government of frauds and black wizards.”